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The Story of Cannibals
There was a little town, long ago. The little town was called Cannibal Town. But the people of Cannibal Town didn’t know that the word cannibal would one day bring all mini people disgrace.
They were extremely short. At age 15 they would be tallest: about the size of a fourth grader. Then they would shrink down to the size of a first grader. They were teased and made fun of, mistreated, and other nasty stuff. (Not nasty as in gross or inappropriate, but as in bad and mean.) This made them feel horrible so they decided to take revenge. Mwahhahahaha!
The mini people had always been good at horseback. That was pretty much the only thing they were good at sports wise. (They were okay at gymnastics.) When on horse back they could aim very well with bows and arrows. They coated the arrow tips with poison and shot some of the officials in Tallsville (where the people who teased them lived).
They put the bodies in a big pit. They didn’t do anything to the bodies, just kept them in the pit. But they kept them fresh just in case anyone might need for some unknown purpose.
In the wintertime, a great famine came. It was cold and they were hungry. Eventually, when they ran out of firewood, they set fire to the human bodies.
While playing by the fire, a young boy found a piece of meat. He cut it with his pocketknife and popped it in his mouth. He was a little bit surprised to find part of it was hard so he spit that out. His mom ran out screaming, “Why are you eating a human toe?”
He looked at the toe in surprise. He looked up and said, “Hmm. It’s really quite delicious, though.” And those were his exact words.
Soon the idea of eating humans had caught on with the mini people. It was humans that kept them alive during the great famine. After the great famine, they had plentiful food once again. But you see, human flesh is quite addictive. Once you start eating it you can’t stop. I know that from experience.
The mini people were now constantly hungry for flesh…human flesh. They mounted their horses on an order to kill more people. They dipped their arrows in poison. And they feasted!
Eventually their taste for human flesh grew to be more of a liking, not a need. But it is still a delicacy. They are still out there. Hunting, waiting…waiting for you!
All You Need to Know About…Cannibals!
1. They live in a forest 500 meters from Loch Ness Lake in Scotland.
2. They always have to wear armor, just in case anyone gets a sudden urge to eat.
3. Their favorite color is addictive pink (a very, very hot and bright pink).
4. The little kids have to wear spikey helmets so their heads aren’t bitten off.
5. Their houses are addictive blue and addictive pink striped.
6. The roads are addictive lime green, and their sidewalks are addictive purple.
7. If you ever find your self in Cannibal, do not call the minis dude or man. They will take offense and eat you.
8. Do not wear the color black in Cannibal. They will take offense and eat you.
9. Do not wear high heels in Cannibal. They will take offense and eat you.
10. Do not go to Cannibal. If you go to Cannibal, they will take offense and eat you.
11. Growth Shrinks: during the shrinking stage, the minis can be very irritable. Probably they miss being able to blend in with the humans.
12. The people of Cannibal are said to be extremely intelligent. Some say they know the answers to all the big questions about the universe. Unfortunately, all scientists who have searched for the Cannibals, and found them, were offensive and were… not eaten! They were boiled alive and then eaten!
13. In general, do not offend the Cannibals. They will take offense and eat you.
14. The only thing Cannibals will not take offense to is if you are wearing frog pajamas. They will still eat you, but they will probably keep the frog pajamas.
15. To eat, Cannibals use a stab stick and a double-sided knife. They use these to eat you if you offend them.
16. The reason Cannibals are short in the first place is because they have eaten a rare species of wolf called the Silver Wolf. The Silver Wolf carries a disease that causes shortness to everyone but itself. You see, the Silver Wolf eats a type of poisonous berry called a Nisco Berry. Nisco Berries are really what make people short. Except everybody in Scotland knows not to eat the Nisco Berries. They don’t know not to eat the Silver Wolves (except the Cannibals).
17. The Cannibals arrows are dipped in Nisco Berry juice, but it turns out that when you fry them it takes away their venomousness.
18. Just a note: Remember the little Cannibal who started it all by eating a human toe? Yeah, his name’s Ethelbert. See, our science teacher always uses Ethelbert as the character in her examples because she thinks no one is named Ethelbert. But someone is. He’s the most important Cannibal ever because he was the first to eat human flesh.
19. There is only one way you cannot offend the Cannibals and escape getting eaten temporarily. If they’re about to kill you in the wild, off their land, and you say, ‘Wait! I wanna be a Cannibal!’ they will either kill you because they were offended (and eat you, of course) or they will perform a ceremony and make you a Cannibal. The ceremony involves eating a piece of Silver Wolf meat to shrink you.
20. To escape getting eaten, you must pole vault away, upside down.
How 2 Kill a Cannibal
(or rather how to try to kill a Cannibal, but really end up being offensive and being eaten)
Don’t be worried about killing a Cannibal. They are more animal then human and you won’t be charged for murder. Actually, you could be, but nobody’s ever come back alive . . . they were offensive and were eaten.
But if you are going to try, you should target the teenagers. Although they are the tallest and strongest, they wear hats without metal spikes so, if you are taller than them, you can drive a paintbrush though their heads. Do not attempt to drive a knife through their head or any other ungodly weapon, unless it is a paintbrush.
Make sure it is not someone who looks fifteen, but has already started shrinking, that you attempt (and fail) to kill. They are very irritable, sometimes wear metal spiked hats, and take offense very easily. They will most likely take offense and eat you before 4:21 am.
The moral of this story =
Do not be offensive. Do not be eaten.
And if you are boring and want a real moral, here it is:
Do not tease people because they are different.
They will take offense and eat you!