The Asylum | Teen Ink

The Asylum

July 17, 2018
By wuadbwabdu BRONZE, Wenatchee, Washington
wuadbwabdu BRONZE, Wenatchee, Washington
3 articles 0 photos 54 comments

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If your reading this your too late - Drake

“John and Alex here’s your equipment, a flashlight, baton, and a pistol” said Joe the chief of the security team. “What’s the gun for” Alex said. “It’s for emergencies these “people are crazy.” Joe responds. Alex and John entered the asylum. “it smells like urine.” John said. They walked around and stopped when a man really skinny you could see his bones said “we’re going to kill you.” Everybody started banging the doors to their cells. The skinny man pushed Alex across the hallway and knocked him into a button that went “beep.” Alex turned around and sawa  big scary man with a knife which you could tell was made of stone from the cell wall. John pointed the gun at him and said “stand back or I’ll shoot!” The big man made a scary laugh and slapped the gun out of John’s hand and swung at him with the knife, but John leaped to the ground as he dodged the knife. “Run!” Alex shouted. Right before they took off Alex picked up the gun off the floor and shot the man twice at his chest. The man did not fall, he just kept chasing Alex and John. As the man was chasing them, he pushed the buttons to the cell’s and the people were running out of their cells. Then out of one cell a girl came out of her cell crawling with her legs backwards, and began getting closer. “The grudge!” Alex shouted as he saw the girl. As Alex went around the corner he turned around and could not see John he heard a scream and it went silent. The grudge came around the corner. The grudge was carrying John’s head by his hair. Alex pulled the gun out and shot her until she was dead. Alex ran to the exit of the asylum and opened the door, it was bright he noticed he was in a tent. A man came with an assault rifle and said “this is CDC.” Then the tent went dark.

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This article has 1 comment.

on Jul. 24 2018 at 1:45 pm
WolfWhisperer0911 BRONZE, Austin, Texas
1 article 0 photos 623 comments
@wuadbwabdu I'll be honest with you, I am not a big fan of this story, but I will say that it surely has potential. I think you need to put more development on the characters and don't be afraid of the word count, just write as much as you want. Also, please separate the sentences like dialogue and make paragraphs so that the story can flow smoothly. I feel like you should add some suspense and describe the characters of what they look or what emotions they expressed. I am giving you my critic and I hope you will see this and maybe change your way of commenting on others' works.