Welcome to Pineview High Oregon! The students are stereotypical, the school budget is a mess! The guidance counselors are just waiting for the day they retire, and the teachers require more emotional attention than the students! We’re the student film club, and our senior project is to make a documentary about how all of the teachers carry out their days here. It’s 7:28 am on a Tuesday in March, and currently they're in a meeting about how to prepare the kids for the big test in two weeks.

¨Ms. Brown can we come in and film you guys for our documentary?¨ one of the students says as he knocks on the door.

The English Teacher, Ms. Brown, comes to the door.¨Oh, of course! You’re just in time, I was just about to show everyone my pictures of my girls weekend in Vegas!¨

¨That's not an appropriate slideshow, Janice.¨ says Ms. Green the math teacher. ¨We’re here to talk about how to prevent our school from going down the chute based on the standardized test grades. We’re not here to look at awkward photos of you by yourself at a one-star hotel miles outside of Las Vegas sipping drab coffee next to a crusty pool.¨

¨My coffee isn't nearly as drab as those khakis you clearly got from the salesbin at Walmart.¨ she retorts.

¨I don't see why they’re allowed to film us.” says Mrs. Watanabe, the science teacher. Yale graduate. Secretly disappointed in the fact she’s working at a school and not making double that salary at a high-paying science organization. ¨I didn't´sign a consent form for this.¨ She takes a long sip of coffee. It looks yuppy, but not so yuppy that she paid more than five dollars for it.

¨Uhm… Well then I guess you won´t want us to interview you Mrs. Watanabe.¨

¨Just because I don't support the idea doesn't mean I don´t take part in it.¨

¨That makes zero sense.¨ Says Ms. Green as Mrs. Watanabe leaves to go in the side room.

¨So, we were wondering if maybe you can answer a few questions for us?¨ She nods.  ¨Well—¨ She cuts us off.

¨You use too many filler words. I could be out of this room in five minutes by now if you hadn't said ‘Uhm, so, well, and er.´ What’s next.¨ She's hopeless.

¨How does it feel to work with Ms. Brown?¨

¨Janice…? Oh. Janice is interesting.¨ She takes a long sip of her overpriced coffee. ¨She’s my coworker yes, and I treat her with respect just as I do with my fellow teachers and students. What I don’t understand is I went to the prestigious Yale University and now I´m back here. Earning a mid-range paycheck, working amongst mid-range people, dealing with first world problems like Janice. For the past three years, 6 months, 2 weeks, 1 hour, and 7 minutes she’s been trying to convince me to join her Women’s Daily Magazine Club. If she wants to see a woman, see Lucy. The australopithecus. Also, if you want to see something really interesting, look at my college thesis that got me into Cornell, Yale, and Brown.¨

¨Okay then, that’s all we need thank you.¨

“Are you sure? I’d be elated to inform you about my alumni speech about my forest expertise.”

“No, no. That’ll be fine.” The club leaves the side room and goes back into the conference room.

“Janice please!” yells an exasperated Ms. Green, “It is 7:32 in the morning, we did not come here to listen to you complain about how you went experimentally vegan last week. I lost the password to my table robot and I can’t log back in!”

“It’s not a table robot, it’s a laptop Melissa, and I thought you went to school for college and mathematics.” Mrs. Watanabe says.

“No, I went to school for trigonometry and calculus four. I also minored in bagpiping. Didn’t you go to school to work in a laboratory making three times the salary you’re making now? Math that.”

“Er, hey—” says one of the film club members who unsurprisingly gets interrupted by Watanabe.

“Have you already forgotten about the filler words? Middle class Americans. Please.” she mutters under her breath quietly, but just loud enough for everyone to hear.  

“Ms. Brown, would you like to be interviewed?” says one of the exasperated club members.

“With or without the Meryl Streep Devil Wears Prada Impressions?”

“Without, obviously.” responds an annoyed Ms. Green.

After lots of effort to break up the quarrels, the film club finally gets Ms. Brown alone to discuss whatever odd things she’ll say about her coworkers.

“It seems as if you think you have a weird twisted friend group with the other teachers… right?”

“Pfft. Is that even a question? Well, you see. We’re like the Harry Potter trio. I’m like Harry, of course. Loveable, most liked, the hero, it says Janice Brown all over it. The same syllables… er sort of the same. Then we have Kotoko Watanabe. She’s Ron Weasley, obviously. My best friend.”

“No I’m not.” Mrs. Watanabe says dryly  through the small window on the door.

“You know you love me!” Shouts a narcissistic Janice Brown as she raises an eyebrow. “Anyway, back to my rad Harry Potter  comparison. Well, Melissa is obviously Hermione. The fun police. Stereotypical mom friend. For instance, last year I made a video of myself  riding in a shopping cart inside of Walmart for our end of year presentation to teach the kids what not to do, and that lady shows up and says I’m being a ‘bad role model’. It was obviously not an excuse to violate my go-to store’s policy.”

“Well Ms. Brown could you tell us where you went to high school?”

“Why don’t you tell me where you guys went hmmm…?” Everyone gives her a puzzled look.

“We go here… That’s sort of a reason why we’re conducting this interview…?”

“Oh uhm, totally. Sure. I went to University of… A…America? Yes that’s right. I have a phb in teachingology.”

“Alright…” The film club exchange knowing looks to one another. She’s a fake.

Suddenly, a police officer enters the main room, and we hear Ms. Green yell  in desperation “I swear my coupons for that cat kibble were valid!”

“We’re not here for you ma’am. My name is Officer Carisi, and I’m here to arrest Janice Brown for a fake college degree. Where is she?”

“She’s back there.” Mrs. Watanabe points. Carisi goes back and handcuffs her.

“You have the right to remain silent. If you do say anything, what you say can be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to consult with a lawyer and have that lawyer present during any questioning. If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be appointed for you if you so desire.”

“Do you have a warrant?” says Watanabe snobbishly.

“Of course I do.” Carisi says in a confronting manner. He pulls out a slip of paper and shows it to Watanabe.

“Alright then, you know what you’re doing unlike these first world problems I deal with every Monday thru Friday from seven to quarter of two. I quit.” The officer exits with Ms. Brown, Watanabe packs her things, and Green is looking at cat photos not even caring what’s going on.

“Well I guess that’s our school in review senior class, good luck with your lives. Maybe you’ll learn something from this video I guess… of what not to do.”