The child of a drug addict | Teen Ink

The child of a drug addict

May 26, 2020
By lillianleonhardt01, Sheperdsville, Kentucky
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lillianleonhardt01, Sheperdsville, Kentucky
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Favorite Quote:
"Embrace the pace of your own journey"

Author's note:

This is one of the most heart felt pieces i've wrote and I hope this sends the message I want. 

My parents fought everyday to keep us having everything we needed. 

See mom wasn’t around much for me so dad was all I had besides my sister

My dad left my mom when I was 3 

Before I continue, I was born addicted to drugs

We came to Kentucky and were constantly moving between my uncles and grandmas.

He never actually took me away, I saw my mom as much as possible. 

My dad didn’t have it easy either, actually both my parents had it rough just one found a way out.

I was so little but the memories cloud my mind everyday. 

I still feel that abandonment and that fear of being left. 

I’ve been told the good parts of her life but I've never personally seen them. 

I feel like I’m missing something I never had. 

I remember waiting by the door for you.

I remember going with you to get the meds. 

I remember it all

The fights

The braveness

The way your smile lit up the room 

But then I remember the sickness

It took me by surprise

You didn’t leave it behind

You left me behind

I know the sickness changed the way you thought 

I know you we’re struggling 

I know you was just trying to make it out alive 

But it took you

It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest 

I fell to my knees

I was gasping for air      

I was only 7

I needed my mother 

Dads tears are a forever place in my mind

When i’m alone grandmas cry is still in my brain 

This memory still haunts me till this day 

I wanna feel your arms around me 

I wanna smell your perfume

I’d go to hell and back to hear you say I love you

I still recognize your funeral

I remember who I sat by and what the air smelled like

I let them tears glide down my cheeks 

While I clenched onto dads shirt as tight as I could

I can’t bear to lose him

I’m never gonna wish that pain and this pain on any man who walked this earth

They say your in a better place but that better place is here with us

Your better place is here with me 

You didn’t see the pain when you weren’t around 

I stayed up asking grandma when is mom going to be home?

But she didn’t know if my momma was coming home. 

I didn’t get to be a child

I had to grow up early

I don’t get to relate with my friends

Y’all ruined me 

Your going to miss prom 

Your going to miss graduation 

Your going to miss me going to college 

Your going to miss me moving 

Your going to miss me having kids 

Your going to miss EVERYTHING 

But even through all of this heartbreak, panic attacks, crying and even wanting to not be alive at one point I don’t hate you. 

I remember just being so young and even after you passed 

I wanted you to bust through the door. 

You never did…

You was gone

You wasn’t with me anymore

I hoped to not be sad, to not feel at all

It felt like I was never gonna get happy

I prayed to have you back

I prayed to have a relationship like that but I wanted it to be with you.  

When you lose someone 

You lose their smile, their eyes, their hugs, their personality, their perfume smell. 

You lose everything you once loved 

She was the most beautiful women i’ve ever laid my eyes on 

She was the foundation of our family, what held us together 

even though some nights she was the reason it fell apart.

I just prayed that it was a dream. 

It wasn’t though. 

It was never a dream. 

I had to learn how to face it. You know I've probably been through the 5 stages of grief a thousand times. 

Everything that changes in my life and your not in it

I’m back through the cycle. 

No matter how much I know you’re not coming back i’ll still make it a wish

You were my everything and I wish I was yours 

but it’s not your fault on why it happened the way it did.

You knew you had a problem and you didn’t care.

I know why you left me.

I know you’re sorry and I forgive you. 

I forgive you for not always being the best mother you could be.

I forgive you for not always being there at all. 

I forgive you even though you never put your feelings to the side for me. 

I forgive you because even though instead of staying with me that night, you left. 

You always left and I never knew why

I got no answers until you was already gone

Until I couldn’t do anything

I was so mad and I hated myself for being mad at you. 

But forgiving you took everything out of me. 

Every tear, every lonely night, every time I thought my heart physically broke

I forgive you for making me feel like I did something wrong

For every night I looked into the sky and talked to you and never got a response   

I’m forgiving you for myself, to help move on

I can love you and remember you and not be sad about it. 

I'm allowed to not feel guilty about living. 

The hardest part is understanding

I understand nothing will bring you back but sometimes things just ease the pain.

I understand why things happened the way they did. 

I don’t think I can fully be ok with the way you left or why.

I understand that if you didn't pass I probably wouldn’t have wanted to fight for this, this bad 

There’s so much I want to say but sometimes things are better left unsaid 

I’ll still look at your picture and remember the beautiful things

God needed an angel, right?

I’ll still talk to you like your there

I know you’re watching and listening 

I know you’re cheering me on or helping me pick myself up

I promise I’ll embrace the pace of my own journey  

I’m still standing 

I’m still here

I can’t save you but I can save others

This was my reality

I lived this

My family lived through this and dealt with this

I don’t want to be like I her  

I want to help addicts and witnesses 

I want to do better than those around me 

I’m seen as another statistic 

You may feel like this is the end but this is just the beginning

We have a choice on how we live life 

I’ve been given two paths

1 to keep doing what i'm doing, helping others, being the best I can be for myself 

Or I can do what she did, that lifestyle isn’t the right way to live

Quit before your want becomes your need

Don’t let death the only way out of your addiction 

I’m here to motivate you

I may be seen as the child of a drug addict to yall 

But to me I am the child of an angel

She is my motivation to fight for this right here, living 

Cause death isn’t an option 

I didn’t have this urge to come out and talk to people for no reason. 

I want her story to motivate you to not stay in this lifestyle.

I feel like being born on drugs automatically set me up for this “failing” life

The pressure of always being perfect and never messing up was put on me. 

I always feared to not be like her to an extent I wouldn’t live at all. 

You have to understand as a child it’s a lot to handle and it’s traumatic

You cannot fall into the cycle though

Please fight through the pain because it’ll be so worth it 

It’s hard, it’ll never be an easy topic 

Drugs ruined my life and I wasn’t the user

I can never have that time back with my mom

I can never speak to her again

I wish someone got to her the way she needed it

The woman who gave me life isn’t even here to show me how to live it 

This is my life and i’m choosing to speak on my behalf of what I went through as a witness

I can only pray that this message helps you

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