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Daddy's Womb This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

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i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.

So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.

i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.

The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.

i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.

i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.




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vivaeno said...
Oct. 24, 2008 at 2:13 am:
I like this piece. The rhythm is a bit different than what I'm used to, but it is very creative and contains amazing imagery... I think that your punctuation choices are perfectly fine. A big part of style IS punctuation! There are some things you could work on. The word, "birdie" for instance, made me think of golf. And I know that is probably not an image you are trying to evoke. Wonderful job! Keep it up!
 
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K.J.G.Santos said...
Oct. 23, 2008 at 7:58 pm:
this poem is unique. but it isn't all that great. it is good though
 
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Allice* said...
Oct. 22, 2008 at 7:37 pm:
I love the way you describe what probably a lot of us out here feel in a totally abstract way that I doubt anyone has ever thought of before; I know I haven't. The title is great, because it doesn't repeat anything actually in the poem but sums it up in all of two words. Keep it up!
 
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spleenfiend said...
Oct. 22, 2008 at 3:32 am:
i really like this and think you're pretty awesome. all the haters whining about grammar don't know a thing...i can tell you put thought into all the capitalization here, especially the way you capitalized "i" in the middle but then went back to lowercasing it and capitalizing "father." and unfortunately, i can relate to this.... i feel goofy leaving my link, but here you go.... TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/58910/Natural-Selection/
 
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c.c. said...
Oct. 22, 2008 at 1:06 am:
hey guys,
Thanks again for all the feedback, but I do have some of my own. When commenting on poems try not to make enemies... Some things you should respond to are: meter, line, rhyme (types), form, diction, image, theme, tone, allusion, alliteration, repetition, and etc. The list goes on and on. Support your statement. Ask questions.
I just got the magazine with this poem in it in the mail. Thanks Teen Ink. Pysched, Carl
 
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4lyfebasketball said...
Oct. 21, 2008 at 5:17 pm:
I thought your poem was amazing, and for those who said you didn't like the message, or it could have been better... poetry is a release of emotions... and it takes a lot of time and motivation to put out a good piece of work, so if you didn't like it, don't comment it, because who are you to critzise his feelings and thoughts that were put into this piece of work? It was good enough to be put inot this magazine wasnt it?
 
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Jenovapuppet said...
Oct. 21, 2008 at 4:51 pm:
wow,I write poetry as well.And let me tell you,this really inspired me!
 
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fallingfromfire said...
Oct. 21, 2008 at 1:46 pm:
i really like this poem. good job with the rhyming, that can be really hard and i really like the message in the poem :3
 
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murph said...
Oct. 21, 2008 at 12:29 am:
hey this is really good check mine out it's called suzy-day it's on the recent poems list thanks
 
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ClaireBear722 said...
Oct. 20, 2008 at 3:04 pm:
This is soo good girl
 
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Amertie said...
Oct. 19, 2008 at 8:25 pm:
I love the idea. The only problem I had was the rhyming feels awkward at some points. I think that, if your choices are forced rhyming and no rhyming whatsoever, it's better to go without rhyming. But overall, this is really nice.
 
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Tess Brooks said...
Oct. 19, 2008 at 4:03 pm:
Totally loved your poem, and the title. Makes me feel like I'm not the only person in the world trying to break free from Daddy's bonds. Keep writing.
 
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Tess Brooks said...
Oct. 18, 2008 at 3:19 pm:
I dunno why people say they don't like this poem, 'cause it rocks. Some people will say I'm just happy and diluted and i think everything in the world is good and pure, 'cause,you know, I'm only 11. This poem kinda reminds my of a poem of my own, Farwell Daytime Prison. But 'cause I'm 11 I've got to wate another 2 years 2 submit it to teen ink, so see ya then.
 
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cool_scorpio said...
Oct. 17, 2008 at 4:22 pm:
Well i agree with some...the birdie thing was a little silly... and the whole thing just didn't flow.. it sounded a bit fake...and the whole thing just stretched so much... this is just my opinion... i am sorry but i just don't see anything in this poem
 
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VanillaRose said...
Oct. 16, 2008 at 2:02 pm:
honestly..i did not like this poem as such, i found it rather disturbing and even so poorly expressed.Sorry if im being a little too harsh , it's just my opinion.=D
 
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nickki_nick said...
Oct. 15, 2008 at 7:00 pm:
i believe ur poem is totally dude cause of how i could imagain how u was feeling when u wrote it thats how awsome it was
 
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Neko said...
Oct. 15, 2008 at 3:23 pm:
Personally, the word choice (Birdie) made it seem ,to me, like a children's poem. I also suggest capitalizing the I's and the beginning letter of each line, grammmer is an important part of peotry as well, not just the rhymes.
 
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katierosee said...
Oct. 15, 2008 at 3:23 am:
this is really amazing. i can tell u put a lot of work into it. i just hope i can write half as well as u one day.
 
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c.c. said...
Oct. 14, 2008 at 11:08 pm:
hey guys,
Just checked my email...recived a lot from Teen Ink. Thanks for your comments, both good and bad. If you have poems you want me to respond to, let me know. I'm in college, so I know how to give good feedback. Leave your links in the comments box like Courtney Renee did. Enjoy life, keep writing, peace. =P
 
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katcullen said...
Oct. 14, 2008 at 1:49 pm:
WOW that is really really good.. reminds me of me and my dad
 
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