Shallow

March 30, 2014
By GhostMatrix SILVER, Bradenton, Florida
GhostMatrix SILVER, Bradenton, Florida
6 articles 3 photos 83 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live Each Day To The Fullest. -Quote From Somewhere Else-

I'm Whatever You Want Me To Be - My Quote -


Summary:

16 year old, brother and sister; Zayne and Zoe want a better life for themselves. Being in a foster home with adults who don't care, is worst then being on the streets. Zoe and Zayne will have to stick together and make some tough choices.


GhostBeam

Shallow


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This book has 9 comments.


Forever SILVER said...
on Mar. 2 2015 at 4:01 pm
Forever SILVER, Flint, Michigan
8 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances."
B.F. Skinner

I can see the story you are trying to write... really its a good idea. But you are expressing it in the wrong way. The little grammatical errors are driving me crazy and it maked it hard to read at some points. There is also a lot of he said she said stuff. When you read a published book there isn't he said this... then she said this... then he said this. There were no quotes so i couldnt tell when the characters were about to talk so that through me for a loop too. I love the beginning though so keep writing this and i cant wait to hear the rest!!!!!

on May. 5 2014 at 1:56 pm
Crystallite BRONZE, Santa Elena, Other
2 articles 2 photos 351 comments
THIS LOOKS SO COOL

Thalion SILVER said...
on Apr. 28 2014 at 10:51 am
Thalion SILVER, Peoria, Illinois
9 articles 3 photos 53 comments
Not a bad story, but I was throughly confused by the second chapter. The grammer and spelling errors made it really hard to concentrate on the story itself and the way it changed perspectives really threw me a curve. Your thoughts are precise... prehaps too precise in spots.... I'd like to see how you tie the two chapters together, though! 

on Apr. 20 2014 at 2:23 am
Luniverse.Of.Life, Dear Lodge, Montana
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe.
Dalai Lama

this is really good :) I hope you keep writing :)

TheUniverse said...
on Apr. 14 2014 at 8:06 pm
TheUniverse, Everywhere,, Other
0 articles 0 photos 61 comments

Favorite Quote:
Exercise to stimulate, not to annihilate. The world wasn't formed in a day, and neither were we. Set small goals and build upon them.

This is a very good beginning to the book...  Love the way you've started in the formation and it seems as if your thoughts are precise... I like that......  Keep up the great writing!!!!!!

on Apr. 14 2014 at 8:04 pm
TheOceansBlackBird SILVER, Richmond, California
9 articles 14 photos 115 comments

Favorite Quote:
One persons craziness is another persons reality
-Tim Burton

and then there's this one
╭∩╮(︶︿︶)╭∩╮

This is really good! I like how the prolouge really sets up the story, and how you can really see how poor the two children are. Yet again, you should reallytry to fix your spelling and grammar mistakes...but otherwise I really liked it!

on Apr. 11 2014 at 5:46 pm
TheNobleSavage, Frisco, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments
Can't wait to see what happens next, although as it has already been said before, those quotation marks though. Otherwise, great story idea.

on Apr. 6 2014 at 12:53 pm
GhostMatrix SILVER, Bradenton, Florida
6 articles 3 photos 83 comments

Favorite Quote:
Live Each Day To The Fullest. -Quote From Somewhere Else-

I'm Whatever You Want Me To Be - My Quote -

Thx you so much for the feedback and i'll work on my grammer and these   "      ".

on Apr. 6 2014 at 8:01 am
Kestrel135 PLATINUM, Waterford, Connecticut
43 articles 0 photos 256 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Respect existence or expect resistance"

This was a good beginning to a book. I like how the introduction really sets up everything for the future; you don't entirely understand the relation, but you know that there is one, and can assume what that relation may be - a great tactic for enticing the reader. There were some really great phrases in here, such as the ending to the prologue. The first chapter also was pretty good, but there were a few grammatical errors - but they didn't really take away from the piece that much. The story itself could branch out into a lot of possibilities; who is the girl in the basement, really? Will Marcus come back?  The only thing that I though was a bit distracting was the dialogue. Sometimes you didn't use " " around words that were being spoken, which could be a bit confusing. Also, in the first chapter it seems as though it is in third person, but then goes into first from Zoe's perspective. Transitions like that can be a bit confusing to the reader, so I would try to keep it in first person the whole time.  Otherwise, this is a great story. The prologue was intruiging and enticed the reader. The first chapter, though a bit slow at times, was also interesting because it allowed you to look into their lives and get a feel for who the characters are. On a whole, this is a start to a great book! Well done!




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