Hopelessly Addicted This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

Why is it that no matter how incredibly hard I try to point myself in the right direction, I end up exactly where I started? It’s like a never-ending cycle of failure. I sometimes wonder why I even bother to try if nothing ever comes from it. The last few years have been extremely chaotic and frustrating; from friends ­dying, to my coke addiction, to running away, life has taken a huge toll on me. I have had nothing but horrible events, one after another. But my biggest struggle has been my addiction; it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

I realize that many people think the life of an ­addict is easy – we just sit around all day getting money off of people and scoring a high. Do you ­really think it’s all fun and games? Or that we want our addictions to run our lives? My addiction, anyway, was ­anything but easy.

The days were long and endless when I couldn’t buy coke. I would spend between $40 and $100 a day, just on me. My weekly debt was only $60 when I first started. I was not ­using that much back then, but that changed when my boyfriend broke up with me. Then my dealer, who happened to be my best friend, started giving me coke for free.

Soon I couldn’t go a day without it. The white powder lifted into my nasal passages with ease. I took line after line into my body, hoping I could block everything out of my mind. My mind quickly relaxed, my heart raced, and my hands shook, but everything was good. I was happy – for the 10 ­minutes the high lasted. Then I’d do another line. Eventually my friend cut me off and tried to talk me into getting help, so I cut him out of my life.

With no coke in my system, I became angry, an­grier than I had ever been. My body shook for no reason. I was irritable and distant. I couldn’t think of anything but coke. I wanted it all to stop – to go back to the way things had been before I started. I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to have to sneak out of my house and score in alleys with money I stole from a sleeping homeless guy. My life was out of my control and I would have done anything to get it back, but my body wouldn’t let me. I was lost.

Just when things were starting to improve and I was finally getting my life under control, I ran away. I met lots of new people who quickly ­became friends; they were either runaways or dropouts pushing 30, but they were all addicts. Our apartment had one bedroom with nine people in it. They took care of me. They fed me, bought me clothes, a toothbrush, and whatever I needed, as well as kept me safe and ­hidden from the cops.

Then one day I overdosed. It was like any other night at the apartment. A bunch of us decided we wanted to party somewhere else. One of my friends offered his mom’s house since she was out of town. We all hopped into cars, and on the way we stopped to buy some coke.

When we arrived the house was dark and music was blasting in the living room. I headed straight for the bathroom to get high. Everyone was dancing and drinking and laughing and having fun. That’s when I made more bad decisions. A friend took a “donation” from everyone and showed up an hour later with ­ecstasy pills. I took two.

I started to feel faint and collapsed. My friends carried me to a bedroom and put me on the bed. ­After I convinced them that I was okay, a friend helped me up and made me promise not to do any more drugs.

I promised, of course, but seven lines of coke later I was stumbling down the hall, falling every few feet. I ended up hot and shaking on the bathroom tile with four “friends” gathered around me while the others waited nervously outside. My entire body shook ­uncontrollably, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt as if I were suffocating and had no ­control over my body. The feeling was almost indescribable; an overdose is one of the worst feelings ever. I was scared. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open but couldn’t. My friends took turns pouring water on me to cool me down while the others tried to keep me awake.

Even after that I still didn’t stop using for another three weeks. And even though I was able to stop ­before I ruined my life completely, I still wake up in the middle of the night craving coke, almost ­tasting the drip in the back of my throat.

I ask myself every day how I let myself get ad­dicted. Truth be told, no answer ever seems reason enough. Yet here I am, a year and a half sober. Drugs are the biggest demon any person can face. Once this demon is in your life, it’s hard to break free. It takes control of you, of your life, and pulls you down before you realize what is happening.

Escaping is an ongoing battle I’ll face every day for the rest of my life. I made the choice to quit on my own, without rehab or counseling. I relied only on my family, my closest friends, and myself. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Long, sleepless nights, mood swings, huge fits over nothing – I was on an emotional roller coaster and was a complete wreck. I know that those who were there for me had an equally troublesome time.

Though I am now a recovered addict, if I could make the choice over, I would have asked for help. Being with someone who had experienced with what I was going through would have been a relief and therapeutic. I was hesitant about completing this ­article; this private part of my life will be out there for anyone to read. It scared me. I then thought, Would I have felt so alone then if I knew what ­someone else had gone through?

I no longer feel the need to turn to this demon in my times of pain and confusion. However, I often ­reflect on that time in my life.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

Join the Discussion

This article has 134 comments. Post your own now!

~Reaa.Mae.Kuzyk~ said...
Sept. 15, 2010 at 9:37 am

Hey there,

                I just wanted to say that your story was a huge inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your story and helping people that they are not alone in their battle against addictions. I thought you wrote the story very well, and I look forward to reading more.

Again thanks,

~ Reaa

Simply_Me said...
Aug. 24, 2010 at 4:09 pm
wow, this is so well written!! and so honest--tou really gave me a glimpse into the life of an addict! i think what you did was really brave and took a lot of strenght; congratulations and keep writing!!
magic-esi This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 2, 2010 at 8:37 pm
Congratulations on getting over the addiction! This is a truly inspiring story. It is very well written, too. I hope (and it probably will happen, given how good the article is) you help others get over drug addiction and steer others towards not taking drugs in the first place.
Bethani said...
Aug. 2, 2010 at 5:32 pm
I have an addiction of a different sort. I still haven't overcome it in the last 2 years it's been. You're strong to overcome something like this. I want to quit to. :) 
LuvKirstyn14 said...
Aug. 2, 2010 at 1:03 pm
this is a really incredible poem. i'm glad u got through it. plz dont ever turn back, continue to look forward. also, i would appreciate it if u read some of my work. thanxz so much :)
myworld10 said...
May 28, 2010 at 9:56 pm
very good story! people will learn a lot out of this story, and, if they are smokers, maybe they will quit taking them, too.
~dreamofwriting~ said...
May 28, 2010 at 2:24 pm
this is beautiful. if someone does this coke and reads this they would prolly be working hard to get off it. this has given insight and true honesty, and lets people who want to know everything they can about drugs learn a big part of it: what it does to you, how dangerous it is, and how it's so hard to stop. this is amazing, and you wrote it well, too.  
Allie97 said...
May 28, 2010 at 11:21 am
wow this was really great!!! keep writing and please check out my piece TeenInk.com/hot_topics/health/article/200150/Middle-School-Drama/   :)
horsie_luver said...
May 6, 2010 at 6:02 pm
That is amazing. It must have been so hard to write about that. Amazing job pretty much breaking your addiction.
Alpha-Lyrae said...
Mar. 25, 2010 at 2:37 pm
This is so amazingly written! Coincidentally I just finished reading "Go Ask Alice", and for anyone who hasn't read it, you MUST!
sidneynicole replied...
Apr. 14, 2010 at 12:14 pm
this was awsome and i have read go ask alice too lol
kysh15 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 23, 2010 at 10:20 pm
you are such an amazing person and are so strong
firstsnowfalls This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 23, 2010 at 8:45 pm
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
StarlingChild This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 23, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Your story is incredible! Teen addicts (no, all addicts) need to read this and realize what a horrible thing they are doing to themselves. And, that you can pull yourself out of it, if you try. Great job!
K_Rose replied...
Oct. 29, 2010 at 11:40 am

hey this story was pretty cool. And im glad you got over your addiction and im very happy for you. I hope you do very well on your recovery.

But I lost somone very close to me on September 25, 2010 because of addiction. At first he was only smokin weed and after a while that didnt do anything for him. So he went to snortin pills and after a while that didnt do anything for him either. So then he started shooting up. He shot up with contaminated water and then his whole body was contami... (more »)

darbie said...
Mar. 1, 2010 at 7:57 pm
Wow, your amazing. You've experienced your lows, now go have fun with the highs of your life, the healthy ones that is :)
Ashly said...
Mar. 1, 2010 at 7:06 pm
This was really good and touching, alot of people don"t have the nerve to do what you did, you quit and you helped yourself and alot of people can't do that.
Carlotta said...
Mar. 1, 2010 at 7:35 pm
It doesn't matter how they started what matters is how its ended!!! Very good....very meaningful
Mercury said...
Jan. 16, 2010 at 4:54 pm
Dude, I know how you feel. I am not a drug addict, but I am a compulsive overeater. Same addiction, different substance. I can't stop, but maybe I will after reading your article. =)
blonday1593 said...
Jan. 16, 2010 at 2:18 pm
this was amazing and touched my heart, you are a hero to me and many others out there. I am not a drug addict but I have always "wondered" about trying. I have many friends who do coke, and it scares to know that this can be an outcome. Your strong soul has taught me a great lesson. Thank you for writting this. Your an inspiration.
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