Hopelessly Addicted | Teen Ink

Hopelessly Addicted MAG

By “Amy,” Tucson, AZ, Tuscon, AZ

Why is it that no matter how incredibly hard I try to point myself in the right direction, I end up exactly where I started? It’s like a never-ending cycle of failure. I sometimes wonder why I even bother to try if nothing ever comes from it. The last few years have been extremely chaotic and frustrating; from friends ­dying, to my coke addiction, to running away, life has taken a huge toll on me. I have had nothing but horrible events, one after another. But my biggest struggle has been my addiction; it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

I realize that many people think the life of an ­addict is easy – we just sit around all day getting money off of people and scoring a high. Do you ­really think it’s all fun and games? Or that we want our addictions to run our lives? My addiction, anyway, was ­anything but easy.

The days were long and endless when I couldn’t buy coke. I would spend between $40 and $100 a day, just on me. My weekly debt was only $60 when I first started. I was not ­using that much back then, but that changed when my boyfriend broke up with me. Then my dealer, who happened to be my best friend, started giving me coke for free.

Soon I couldn’t go a day without it. The white powder lifted into my nasal passages with ease. I took line after line into my body, hoping I could block everything out of my mind. My mind quickly relaxed, my heart raced, and my hands shook, but everything was good. I was happy – for the 10 ­minutes the high lasted. Then I’d do another line. Eventually my friend cut me off and tried to talk me into getting help, so I cut him out of my life.

With no coke in my system, I became angry, an­grier than I had ever been. My body shook for no reason. I was irritable and distant. I couldn’t think of anything but coke. I wanted it all to stop – to go back to the way things had been before I started. I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to have to sneak out of my house and score in alleys with money I stole from a sleeping homeless guy. My life was out of my control and I would have done anything to get it back, but my body wouldn’t let me. I was lost.

Just when things were starting to improve and I was finally getting my life under control, I ran away. I met lots of new people who quickly ­became friends; they were either runaways or dropouts pushing 30, but they were all addicts. Our apartment had one bedroom with nine people in it. They took care of me. They fed me, bought me clothes, a toothbrush, and whatever I needed, as well as kept me safe and ­hidden from the cops.

Then one day I overdosed. It was like any other night at the apartment. A bunch of us decided we wanted to party somewhere else. One of my friends offered his mom’s house since she was out of town. We all hopped into cars, and on the way we stopped to buy some coke.

When we arrived the house was dark and music was blasting in the living room. I headed straight for the bathroom to get high. Everyone was dancing and drinking and laughing and having fun. That’s when I made more bad decisions. A friend took a “donation” from everyone and showed up an hour later with ­ecstasy pills. I took two.

I started to feel faint and collapsed. My friends carried me to a bedroom and put me on the bed. ­After I convinced them that I was okay, a friend helped me up and made me promise not to do any more drugs.

I promised, of course, but seven lines of coke later I was stumbling down the hall, falling every few feet. I ended up hot and shaking on the bathroom tile with four “friends” gathered around me while the others waited nervously outside. My entire body shook ­uncontrollably, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt as if I were suffocating and had no ­control over my body. The feeling was almost indescribable; an overdose is one of the worst feelings ever. I was scared. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open but couldn’t. My friends took turns pouring water on me to cool me down while the others tried to keep me awake.

Even after that I still didn’t stop using for another three weeks. And even though I was able to stop ­before I ruined my life completely, I still wake up in the middle of the night craving coke, almost ­tasting the drip in the back of my throat.

I ask myself every day how I let myself get ad­dicted. Truth be told, no answer ever seems reason enough. Yet here I am, a year and a half sober. Drugs are the biggest demon any person can face. Once this demon is in your life, it’s hard to break free. It takes control of you, of your life, and pulls you down before you realize what is happening.

Escaping is an ongoing battle I’ll face every day for the rest of my life. I made the choice to quit on my own, without rehab or counseling. I relied only on my family, my closest friends, and myself. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Long, sleepless nights, mood swings, huge fits over nothing – I was on an emotional roller coaster and was a complete wreck. I know that those who were there for me had an equally troublesome time.

Though I am now a recovered addict, if I could make the choice over, I would have asked for help. Being with someone who had experienced with what I was going through would have been a relief and therapeutic. I was hesitant about completing this ­article; this private part of my life will be out there for anyone to read. It scared me. I then thought, Would I have felt so alone then if I knew what ­someone else had gone through?

I no longer feel the need to turn to this demon in my times of pain and confusion. However, I often ­reflect on that time in my life.

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This article has 134 comments.

StayStrong said...
on Jan. 25 2009 at 8:18 pm
I'm proud of you for quitting.

You are too good to rely on drugs.

Turn to God, and he'll lead you far away from all that. He'll forgive you all of your past problems and you won't have to worry about it, you won't have to think back to drugs to make you feel better. Turn to him.

Thanks for sharing. Gives me more reasons to "say no". I really appreciate it.

Ps-If you want, go on youtube and listen to Dark Blue by Jack's Mannequin. It reminds me of this. It's perfect. Please,Please, i just feel compelled to as you. :)

Thanks. Just listen to the lyrics...

lil_love said...
on Jan. 22 2009 at 5:10 pm
wooooow dats deep and vary brave.your like my hero now. for wut u did

on Jan. 19 2009 at 9:38 pm
Very nice. I too have overcome my addiction, I just got out of a 15 month Rehab facility called Teen Challenge. Im so glad you posted this story up here it really opens up peoples eyes on what its like.Your very strong to share something this personal for alot of people to see. I too am very proud.

on Jan. 17 2009 at 11:56 pm
wow...what a great story...i appreciate you sharing it...i know exactly what you feel like when you write something like that because thats what i often do myself...i have shared an extremely personal story and people were blown away by it just because i wrote about what i knew...i wrote about my life and my struggles which are very similar to yours--only no drugs--and i know how difficult it can be to share something like that...it takes a lot of courage...you overcoming your addiction and sharing your story has inspired me to keep working at defeating my demons...thank you so much...congrats on quitting...stay strong. <3

thanks said...
on Jan. 17 2009 at 3:10 am
Youre story was very well written and powerful. i am very appreciative that you shared this with so many people, including me. Keep up your stregth and congrats on quitting!

thefirstday said...
on Jan. 17 2009 at 1:55 am
Your story and your writing are both wonderful. Lots of love.

Akpp said...
on Jan. 17 2009 at 1:09 am
I think that this is very brave and ur an inspreration to every one that the way u overcame ur addiction

THANK GODD u r one lucky on u should be thankful someone was lookin out for u may god bless u and u don't return =)


Loolabella said...
on Jan. 14 2009 at 4:40 pm
Well done! I really appreaciate the way that writers like you overcome this addiction the way you did. I know a few people who would greatly benefit from this work, I shall send it to them! You are amazing, truly stong, and a truly fantastic author. Thankyou for this enlightenment of courage! You may just inspire me in my future life... xXx

on Jan. 14 2009 at 4:34 pm
i agree with Lovelyloser101, i'm proud of u even if i don't know u. keep up ur strength.

on Jan. 13 2009 at 1:56 am
This story was beautiful. It was great to hear that you could overcome that on your own. Most people can't do it without a rehab facility. Some can't even do it then. My mother died due to a drug overdose. I wish she would have been as strong as you. Just know that every one is proud of you. I don't even know you and I am proud of you! Thank you for sharing that with me!

sunshine said...
on Jan. 12 2009 at 9:39 am
that is an amazing story; to overcome an addiction the way you have. i concur, you're a strong person and i admire that. your story can help make a difference in someone else's life. keep up your sobriety.

on Jan. 3 2009 at 5:07 am
WOW!!!!!!!!!It makes me think... I have a friend who is a little confused about her friends choices and her own right now and it makes me think of all the support she will need. Thanks for sharing that, im sure it hard to open up to strangers, to push that submit button after pouring your heart and soul out over such a personal subject. Your amazing and strong, keep up all your hard work!!!!!!!!!

on Dec. 31 2008 at 4:09 pm
Bless you for you courage and strength to quit on your own. It sounds like you have many true friends to help you out. You are truely an inspiration to others who disire to quit. Thank you for sharing with others this very private part of your life and thank you to reaching out to others with your story.

on Dec. 30 2008 at 3:38 am
wow... you're so strong... keep it up, your writing is good and you could be an example for so many ppl around you. i really admire your story and how you dealt with it.