Hopelessly Addicted | Teen Ink

Hopelessly Addicted MAG

By “Amy,” Tucson, AZ, Tuscon, AZ

Why is it that no matter how incredibly hard I try to point myself in the right direction, I end up exactly where I started? It’s like a never-ending cycle of failure. I sometimes wonder why I even bother to try if nothing ever comes from it. The last few years have been extremely chaotic and frustrating; from friends ­dying, to my coke addiction, to running away, life has taken a huge toll on me. I have had nothing but horrible events, one after another. But my biggest struggle has been my addiction; it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

I realize that many people think the life of an ­addict is easy – we just sit around all day getting money off of people and scoring a high. Do you ­really think it’s all fun and games? Or that we want our addictions to run our lives? My addiction, anyway, was ­anything but easy.

The days were long and endless when I couldn’t buy coke. I would spend between $40 and $100 a day, just on me. My weekly debt was only $60 when I first started. I was not ­using that much back then, but that changed when my boyfriend broke up with me. Then my dealer, who happened to be my best friend, started giving me coke for free.

Soon I couldn’t go a day without it. The white powder lifted into my nasal passages with ease. I took line after line into my body, hoping I could block everything out of my mind. My mind quickly relaxed, my heart raced, and my hands shook, but everything was good. I was happy – for the 10 ­minutes the high lasted. Then I’d do another line. Eventually my friend cut me off and tried to talk me into getting help, so I cut him out of my life.

With no coke in my system, I became angry, an­grier than I had ever been. My body shook for no reason. I was irritable and distant. I couldn’t think of anything but coke. I wanted it all to stop – to go back to the way things had been before I started. I wanted my life back. I didn’t want to have to sneak out of my house and score in alleys with money I stole from a sleeping homeless guy. My life was out of my control and I would have done anything to get it back, but my body wouldn’t let me. I was lost.

Just when things were starting to improve and I was finally getting my life under control, I ran away. I met lots of new people who quickly ­became friends; they were either runaways or dropouts pushing 30, but they were all addicts. Our apartment had one bedroom with nine people in it. They took care of me. They fed me, bought me clothes, a toothbrush, and whatever I needed, as well as kept me safe and ­hidden from the cops.

Then one day I overdosed. It was like any other night at the apartment. A bunch of us decided we wanted to party somewhere else. One of my friends offered his mom’s house since she was out of town. We all hopped into cars, and on the way we stopped to buy some coke.

When we arrived the house was dark and music was blasting in the living room. I headed straight for the bathroom to get high. Everyone was dancing and drinking and laughing and having fun. That’s when I made more bad decisions. A friend took a “donation” from everyone and showed up an hour later with ­ecstasy pills. I took two.

I started to feel faint and collapsed. My friends carried me to a bedroom and put me on the bed. ­After I convinced them that I was okay, a friend helped me up and made me promise not to do any more drugs.

I promised, of course, but seven lines of coke later I was stumbling down the hall, falling every few feet. I ended up hot and shaking on the bathroom tile with four “friends” gathered around me while the others waited nervously outside. My entire body shook ­uncontrollably, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt as if I were suffocating and had no ­control over my body. The feeling was almost indescribable; an overdose is one of the worst feelings ever. I was scared. I was trying hard to keep my eyes open but couldn’t. My friends took turns pouring water on me to cool me down while the others tried to keep me awake.

Even after that I still didn’t stop using for another three weeks. And even though I was able to stop ­before I ruined my life completely, I still wake up in the middle of the night craving coke, almost ­tasting the drip in the back of my throat.

I ask myself every day how I let myself get ad­dicted. Truth be told, no answer ever seems reason enough. Yet here I am, a year and a half sober. Drugs are the biggest demon any person can face. Once this demon is in your life, it’s hard to break free. It takes control of you, of your life, and pulls you down before you realize what is happening.

Escaping is an ongoing battle I’ll face every day for the rest of my life. I made the choice to quit on my own, without rehab or counseling. I relied only on my family, my closest friends, and myself. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Long, sleepless nights, mood swings, huge fits over nothing – I was on an emotional roller coaster and was a complete wreck. I know that those who were there for me had an equally troublesome time.

Though I am now a recovered addict, if I could make the choice over, I would have asked for help. Being with someone who had experienced with what I was going through would have been a relief and therapeutic. I was hesitant about completing this ­article; this private part of my life will be out there for anyone to read. It scared me. I then thought, Would I have felt so alone then if I knew what ­someone else had gone through?

I no longer feel the need to turn to this demon in my times of pain and confusion. However, I often ­reflect on that time in my life.

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This article has 134 comments.

luvit said...
on Jul. 20 2011 at 9:00 pm
I really enjoyed the story, and it was well written but there were some flaws. For example, I think weed would have been more realistic because do you know how much cocaine costs? For the person to be able to afford it in the beginning is a little ridiculous, and the friend would never give free cocaine. good plot though

stayinstrong said...
on Jul. 20 2011 at 4:22 pm
wow... the only thing i did was smoking cigarettes.  i know a lot a ppl that did coke and didnt make it out alive except one.  im glad you completed this article and showed it to the world... it gives ppl hope :)

on Jun. 28 2011 at 2:16 am
kel_the_shell, Ronks, Pennsylvania
0 articles 0 photos 29 comments

Favorite Quote:
"We accept the love we think we deserve." - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

This is so moving. Most people aren't as strong as you and the fact that you quit is awesome. Good for you!

happyhappy said...
on Jun. 22 2011 at 12:47 am
Wow... That is a fantastically well written article. I am sort of speechless.

on Jun. 6 2011 at 2:24 pm
JoPepper PLATINUM, Annandale, Virginia
35 articles 0 photos 782 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Freedom is the ability to not care what the other person thinks."

"Not all those who wander are lost" --JRR Tolkien

"When you are listening to music it is better to cover your eyes than your ears." --Jose' Bergamin

Whoa you were really strong... I can't believe you went through that, and it's real... wow!!!!  You write really good!!!  I'm humbled... :O

poop98 said...
on Jun. 6 2011 at 1:05 pm
i think it is an angel i have it 20 times a day best thing ever ??????

on Jun. 6 2011 at 8:26 am
K.M.S.Shear BRONZE, Cherokee, Iowa
2 articles 0 photos 57 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Some people think writing is a waist of their time. For me it’s a way to draw an image of myself through the painting of words."

Sad story but a great one at that.

hallie523 said...
on Jun. 6 2011 at 1:32 am
hallie523, Seattle, Washington
0 articles 0 photos 16 comments
Actually you are the only one who isn't impressed. Everyone else thinks the story was amazing. It's horrible of you to be so negative to someone who went through this because they obviously deserve support.

Sky.. BRONZE said...
on May. 15 2011 at 5:23 pm
Sky.. BRONZE, Manteca, California
3 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
But paradise is locked and bolted…
[So] we must take a journey around the world to see if a back door has perhaps been left open.
-Heinrich von Kleist, “On the Puppet Theater”

“Money talks and a lot of money sings and dances.” -Vane Kattalak

This made me cry. And not just a few measly tears. I feel for you. And I look up to you. You are strong and I'm so glad you got out of that. I know how you feel, that need to make it all go away, and I'm glad you shared this peice with others. It's moving. I hope you're doing better.

RozaB SILVER said...
on May. 15 2011 at 10:07 am
RozaB SILVER, Milpitas, California
8 articles 0 photos 39 comments
Not many people are as strong as you. Just remember how strong you are, not how weak you may have been. 

on Apr. 23 2011 at 4:33 pm
jordanelizabeth647 BRONZE, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
what doesnt kill you can only make you stronger.

This is really empowering and inspirational.  As a side note, how are you doing now?

on Apr. 23 2011 at 11:39 am
FeelTheRomance18, Tucson, Arizona
0 articles 0 photos 40 comments

Favorite Quote:
love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged cupid painted blind. -Lysander, A Midsummer Night's Dream

it is like you have woven this peice out of memories and confidence. probably the best thing i have read on teen ink.

purplish said...
on Apr. 23 2011 at 9:23 am
Amazed by those words twisted against each other to formulate more of a reality than an experience !

Madgie BRONZE said...
on Apr. 14 2011 at 1:36 am
Madgie BRONZE, Antioch, California
4 articles 0 photos 8 comments
Marijuana is easily as addictive a cigarettes. Sure you can't OD on it, but doesn't mean it can't hurt you the same way cigarettes can.

Nalda BRONZE said...
on Apr. 1 2011 at 6:18 pm
Nalda BRONZE, Reynoldsburg, Ohio
4 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"My heart has heard You say, 'Come and talk with me.'
And my heart responds, 'Lord, I am coming'"
(Psalm 27:8).

Your article is enthralling to read. The words and paragraphs flow well, and I like how vividly, yet concisely, you depict your experience(s). I, also, admire your diligence in finally resisting that awful substance and remaining sober for as long as you have. Posting this was an ingenious idea. I hope plenty of people read it and become aware of your point.

Every experience has a purpose, does it not? ;D

on Apr. 1 2011 at 5:44 pm
theweirdworder DIAMOND, Newtown, Pennsylvania
65 articles 49 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

Yep. Oh and marijuana can be addictive on its own. Although unlike cocaine and other drugs, it's very hard to OD on. To say that all people who use weed will get hooked to it is stupid but it can happen and users need to know the risks before taking it.  People with certain genetics are more predisposed to addiction than others, too.

MKimmi said...
on Apr. 1 2011 at 4:34 pm
MKimmi, NY, New York
0 articles 0 photos 103 comments

i aree, it's only addictive if someone put something else in it. Unless the drug was actually cocaine or something.

Did this strengthen your willpower for everything? :D


on Apr. 1 2011 at 4:19 pm
theweirdworder DIAMOND, Newtown, Pennsylvania
65 articles 49 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.

Actually marijuana can technically be addictive, but not so much as harder drugs.

on Apr. 1 2011 at 3:08 pm
SavvyPants SILVER, Roy, Utah
5 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Basically, I'm for whatever gets you through the night..." Frank Sinatra

Marijuana is not addictive.

Though, you should probably tell someone who would know how to help your friend, if you're that worried.

on Apr. 1 2011 at 11:08 am
HannahBanana23 BRONZE, Eatonville, Washington
2 articles 0 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life
Winston Churchill

Wow im so proud of you. Overcoming an addiction is one of the hardest things in the world. I've never done drugs and I dont plan on it. Stay sober :)