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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1984 comments.

princess yui said...
on Nov. 22 2011 at 2:29 pm
Hey!this was freaking hilarious!!!!!LOL!Write more!!!Plus dis is all REZ!!!
Overkill SILVER said...
on Nov. 22 2011 at 2:26 pm
Overkill SILVER, Gallup, New Mexico
6 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
Killing Perfection
The secret to sucess is constancy of purpose

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Oh gods this is freaking funny! And the part where Bella is shot had me laughing outloud! Ha. :)
Loserrr122 GOLD said...
on Nov. 21 2011 at 7:21 pm
Loserrr122 GOLD, Belgrade, Montana
10 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
I reject your reality and substitute my own!

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This cracked me up, I could see this happening.
cantdeleteaccounthelp said...
on Nov. 21 2011 at 1:45 pm
cantdeleteaccounthelp, Sey, West Virginia
0 articles 0 photos 64 comments
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Very funny! Nice drama adaptation! :P
matador BRONZE said...
on Nov. 19 2011 at 10:01 pm
matador BRONZE, Hereford, Texas
1 article 0 photos 16 comments
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aahhh!!! Frickin' awesome!!! I like the booksd to a point, but this is fsome funny stuff!!!!!
Wintergrl7 GOLD said...
on Nov. 19 2011 at 4:20 pm
Wintergrl7 GOLD, Hopkinton, Massachusetts
19 articles 3 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
—William Arthur Ward
The greatest obstacle to discovery is not ignorance; it is the illusion of knowledge.
—Daniel J. Boorstin

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I scrolled down to see if there was even ONE negative comment, but there are soooo many, I got bored:) It just shows how great this is! Super funny, please write more!!!
selahoverrated GOLD said...
on Nov. 18 2011 at 6:53 pm
selahoverrated GOLD, Mt Sidney, Virginia
11 articles 0 photos 43 comments
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i love the[ jacob face palms]
JLS137 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 17 2011 at 2:35 pm
JLS137 BRONZE, Dexter, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 4 comments
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...You did leave out the Vulteri. Funny, though!
Audrey2 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 16 2011 at 7:28 pm
Audrey2 BRONZE, Germantown, Maryland
1 article 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I love you, master."

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Ha! That was amazing! I like the Twilight books but Edward and Bella make me sick to my stomach.
karate12 said...
on Nov. 15 2011 at 11:25 am

I know right

 

SeizeTheDay SILVER said...
on Nov. 14 2011 at 4:13 pm
SeizeTheDay SILVER, Cleveland Heights, Ohio
7 articles 0 photos 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
Carpe Diem (Seize the day).

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Hahahahaha! I love the Twilight series, but this is HILARIOUS! Good job, keep writing :)
CorrinaElisabeth said...
on Nov. 12 2011 at 3:08 pm
CorrinaElisabeth, Eatonville, Washington
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Favorite Quote:
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I loved it! I'm sorry for those Twilight-lovers, but I personally can't stand the series. This article made me laugh!
BluBliss GOLD said...
on Nov. 11 2011 at 6:54 pm
BluBliss GOLD, New York, New York
14 articles 0 photos 161 comments

Favorite Quote:
Bella's love for Edward was like, "Omg. He's hot. He's mine because he sparkles. Now I'll brood the wholle book while I'm with him."

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"I think she meant bite me." "oh." LOL!
LifeIsPoetry PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 10 2011 at 10:28 am
LifeIsPoetry PLATINUM, Kapowsin, Washington
33 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing."
– Mother Teresa

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HAHA!! This is fantastic! I am sitting in class right now, and my friends and I are laughing so loud at your article... You should do more parodies!
KatyPie97 GOLD said...
on Nov. 10 2011 at 10:24 am
KatyPie97 GOLD, Eatonville, Washington
14 articles 0 photos 19 comments

Favorite Quote:
We're going to need a bigger boat

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HOLY COW!! this was so hilarious and awesome! please write more!

 

artfullymade14 BRONZE said...
on Nov. 10 2011 at 9:34 am
artfullymade14 BRONZE, Chesapeak, Virginia
2 articles 5 photos 41 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live as if you'll die tomorrow, dream as if you'll live forever."
-Unknown Author

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Im a huge twilight fan and this was hilarious :) I think I just might film this with my friends for fun :) and the edward "Oops" part was the best
Zeeny PLATINUM said...
on Nov. 9 2011 at 8:32 am
Zeeny PLATINUM, Staten Island, New York
37 articles 0 photos 11 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When someone truly cares about you, they make an effort not an excuse"

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This story was actually hilarious. Please write more. I absolutely love it
Paradise_Lost BRONZE said...
on Nov. 8 2011 at 1:48 pm
Paradise_Lost BRONZE, Mountville, Pennsylvania
2 articles 6 photos 47 comments

Favorite Quote:
But paradise is locked and bolted; we must make a journey around the world to see if the back door has, perhaps, been left open.

Swearing is the last refuge of the imaginitively bankrupt.

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You know, everytime I come back to reread this, I think it will lose it's humor on me...

 

Nope.

selahoverrated GOLD said...
on Nov. 8 2011 at 8:28 am
selahoverrated GOLD, Mt Sidney, Virginia
11 articles 0 photos 43 comments
View profile
THIS IS HILARIOUS!!! it reminds me so much of the books, i thought they were good but reeeeeaaaaalllly cliche.... bella does act like that though if you think about it ...
Tonite BRONZE said...
on Nov. 5 2011 at 10:54 am
Tonite BRONZE, Toronto, Other
1 article 21 photos 27 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I am just two and two. I am hot. I am cold.
I'm the parents of number that cannot be told.
I'm a gift beyond measure, a matter od course,
And I'm yielded with pleasure - when taken by force."------Julian

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this is priceless...........LOL