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The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
More by this author
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

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[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION

This article has 1985 comments.

Tonite BRONZE said...
on Nov. 5 2011 at 10:54 am
Tonite BRONZE, Toronto, Other
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Favorite Quote:
"I am just two and two. I am hot. I am cold.
I'm the parents of number that cannot be told.
I'm a gift beyond measure, a matter od course,
And I'm yielded with pleasure - when taken by force."------Julian

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this is priceless...........LOL
Alpha-Lyrae GOLD said...
on Nov. 4 2011 at 8:24 pm
Alpha-Lyrae GOLD, Toronto, ON, Other
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"In the Beginning, the universe was created. This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move." -Douglas Adams

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This is brilliant! Anyone seen the 'Alex Reads Twilight' videos on youtube? Seriously worth a watch if your a fan of this.
Victor_Hagar SILVER said...
on Nov. 3 2011 at 8:19 pm
Victor_Hagar SILVER, Dublin, Ohio
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Very sarcastic. I enjoyed the read, thank you.
lenathetiger BRONZE said...
on Nov. 3 2011 at 8:15 am
lenathetiger BRONZE, Columbia, Maryland
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"[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]"

HAHA!

Malloy213 said...
on Nov. 2 2011 at 2:06 pm
Malloy213, Meowmix, Iowa
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~Albert Einstein

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Hilarious!
jazzerlover BRONZE said...
on Nov. 2 2011 at 11:15 am
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Maxwell Smart: How about Chuck Norris with a BB gun?

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This is the funniest thing that i have ever read!!! LOL I LOVE IT!!!
IsobelFree DIAMOND said...
on Nov. 1 2011 at 6:49 pm
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I commented on this before. It's HILARIOUS and so accurate. I especially love the part with Jacob passionately shouting: "I am love with your CHILD!" Good stuf..

Anyways, I just wanted to say that my friend did a version of this...where she played all of the characters, separately. And I just wanted to think you indirectly for making me pee my pants with laughter.

Good times. Gooood times.

Me of Course!(Raven said...
on Nov. 1 2011 at 1:15 pm
Haha my favorite part is when EDWARD blinds everyone with his brightness and all he says is "oops"
Kimmie_Kat SILVER said...
on Oct. 31 2011 at 10:13 am
Kimmie_Kat SILVER, Orlando, Florida
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Man I wish Twilight was as simple as this, so we don't have to read through all those long books! I love this storie! Nice job! I love it how Edward just out of no where pulls a gun out just to kill Bella!
Rocinante SILVER said...
on Oct. 29 2011 at 7:32 am
Rocinante SILVER, Wexford, Pennsylvania
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Yes I agree with Smiler4life!!! Do more parodies!!! You're awesome at them :)
shadowfox1996 BRONZE said...
on Oct. 28 2011 at 8:09 pm
shadowfox1996 BRONZE, Farmington, Minnesota
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WOW!!! Awesome, lots of humor, but could of had ALICE in it!!!
Jessmic14 BRONZE said...
on Oct. 27 2011 at 6:57 pm
Jessmic14 BRONZE, Clearfield, Utah
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I LOVE IT!!!!! YOU ARE AWESOME!!!!!
Jane3 SILVER said...
on Oct. 27 2011 at 5:46 pm
Jane3 SILVER, Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania
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Lol I know!!! The books used to seem so wonderful, but now it's all blurr! That summed it up perfectly!
writereadlove GOLD said...
on Oct. 27 2011 at 3:55 pm
writereadlove GOLD, Brooklyn, New York
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LOL its okay :) but that seriously was a masterpiece
Smiler4Life GOLD said...
on Oct. 27 2011 at 2:37 pm
Smiler4Life GOLD, Richmond, Texas
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THIS IS REALLY GOOD! PLEASE DO MORE PARODIES(:
Jane3 SILVER said...
on Oct. 26 2011 at 9:10 pm
Jane3 SILVER, Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania
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Favorite Quote:
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Whoops acidently replied to you! Sorry!

 

Jane3 SILVER said...
on Oct. 26 2011 at 9:09 pm
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LOL!!! Literally I was laughing out loud! Isn't stephanie meyer the runner of this stuff?  Maybe I'm crazy...most likely but well done I'm cracking up! How do you get your work noticed? Mine always disappears! feel free to check it out: )
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You are my hero :D GREAT JOB! it was hilarious!
Sydney46 said...
on Oct. 24 2011 at 10:17 am
Omg this was amazing!!!!!! Love this cuz I hate twilight!
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Ha Ha, that was extremely funny. Nice job on blending romance with comedy.