The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.

[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]

BELLA: Are you a vampire?

EDWARD: No! Yes...

[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]

BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I love you too.

[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]

BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!

[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]

EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.


[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]

JACOB: I love you too.


[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]

EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!

JACOB: Or what?

[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']

EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!

[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]

BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!


JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?

EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.

BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!

EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.

[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]

JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!

[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]

RENESME: I'm your daughter!

ALL: Yay!

[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]


End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1935 comments.

on Oct. 30 2015 at 2:53 am
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
this is too funny to be true! thanks for the summary

Nashi BRONZE said...
on Oct. 26 2015 at 5:54 pm
Nashi BRONZE, Cochranton, Pennsylvania
3 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"a persons a person no matter how small"
Horton the elaphant

i might like twilight, but that was one of the most funniest things I've read

on Oct. 22 2015 at 2:24 pm
Kiera1332 BRONZE, The Colony, Texas
3 articles 0 photos 7 comments
This was amazing... Not a big fan of vampire stuff, or Twighlight especially, but this was great and actually made me laugh.

on Oct. 4 2015 at 6:19 pm
BreeZephyr SILVER, Broken Arrow, Oklahoma
7 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
“In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.” - Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game

I have never bothered to read the Twilight Saga because of its utter ridiculousness but this makes me want to read it just so I can understand this funny!!

mae_day BRONZE said...
on Sep. 30 2015 at 12:57 am
mae_day BRONZE, Olive Branch, Mississippi
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"There is only one way to avoid criticism; do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OMG! I'm a true Twiligt fan, but this so accurate I almost died! *hysterically laughing & clapping at the same time*

on Sep. 12 2015 at 11:36 pm
CheshireKitty1 BRONZE, Terrace, Other
4 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is my lifeline

I want to do this I just need to gather people

on Sep. 12 2015 at 9:44 pm
sharpened_pencil GOLD, Warren, New Jersey
11 articles 1 photo 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life can suck, sure. Mostly though it's a blank canvas. If you want to see something brighter in it, you might have to add it yourself." -Patrick Stump, Fall Out Boy

This is the first funny piece I've seen on this website and I must say you did a fantastic job, this made my day. Awesome job man XD

on Sep. 11 2015 at 9:17 am
Rainbow_Princess, Columbus, Ohio
0 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I can accept failure but, I can't accept not trying." ~ Michael Jordan ~

I ALMOST DIED LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on Aug. 22 2015 at 5:33 pm
CheshireKitty1 BRONZE, Terrace, Other
4 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is my lifeline


on Aug. 21 2015 at 1:26 pm
RainWriter GOLD, Rochester, New York
12 articles 10 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If not me, who? If not now, when?" -Emma Watson, Gender Equality is Your Issue Too, Speech at the United Nations

I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!

on Aug. 16 2015 at 9:32 am
shivusharma BRONZE, Jammu, Other
2 articles 1 photo 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
""..If you love me ..... Just let me know..""

wow.... just wow.

on Jul. 30 2015 at 8:18 pm
Timber2141 GOLD, Enterprise, Utah
10 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

This article is brilliant. Nothing else to say. :)

on Jul. 23 2015 at 10:35 am
SomeoneMagical PLATINUM, Durham, New Hampshire
22 articles 1 photo 260 comments
I loved this so much...and now I feel compelled to read the Twilight saga. Great job. I look forward to more of your work! (Feel free to read and comment on any or all of my (the link to My best piece!)

on Jul. 12 2015 at 2:49 pm
Ianultraman BRONZE, Basking Ridge, New Jersey
3 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive" - Elbert Hubbard

IF there was a replay button I would've hit it so many times... Thank god I have a mouse.

on Jul. 9 2015 at 6:29 pm
writer8594 SILVER, Irving, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 15 comments
This is too funny!

annycs13 GOLD said...
on Jul. 8 2015 at 10:20 pm
annycs13 GOLD, Davis, California
12 articles 12 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The less you reveal, the more people can wonder.."

-Emma Watson

LOLZ! This is great!

on Jul. 2 2015 at 12:15 am
Timber2141 GOLD, Enterprise, Utah
10 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

That. Was. AWESOME!!!

on Jun. 10 2015 at 3:02 pm
Columbus BRONZE, Columbus, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
Coffins don't have pockets

Nailed it.

on May. 29 2015 at 11:38 am
Musical_Mischief_Mayhem BRONZE, Parsippany, New Jersey
1 article 0 photos 1 comment
Loved it! Do the Hunger Games next!

on May. 25 2015 at 4:27 am
OnceUponAnEmptyRoad, Wangaratta, Other
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments

Favorite Quote:
"A word after a word after a word is power."

There are no words to describe how much I love this. the best thing ever written. [SLOW CLAP] Brava, my friend, brava.

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