The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1941 comments.


danranz BRONZE said...
on Nov. 4 2015 at 2:46 pm
danranz BRONZE, ..., Hawaii
3 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"..." William Shakespear

This is how the movies should have been, would've saved a lot of time and money, and annoying prepubescents screaming about it. "EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!" Hilarious, and I didn't have to sit through 30 shirtless Taylor Laughtner scenes.

on Nov. 4 2015 at 1:02 pm
trinriley BRONZE, Plaquemine, Louisiana
4 articles 0 photos 3 comments
I thought it was hilarious to read. My favorite line is “Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo” because I actually laughed out loud at this.

2MooreM BRONZE said...
on Nov. 4 2015 at 10:20 am
2MooreM BRONZE, PLAQUEMINE, Louisiana
1 article 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Lets make America great again." -Donald Trump 2K15

I never read fan-fictions at all, but I decided to read this one to get an assignment out of the way. I do not regret it because this was actually funny. “EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now. BELLA: Aww. [EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.] JACOB: I love you too. BELLA: Yay! [They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.] EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl! JACOB: Or what? [Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.'] EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off! [They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.] BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!” These lines were my favourite for its utter ridiculousness and the fact that that is basically and entire series summed up and shows how stupid the movies were.

on Nov. 4 2015 at 10:03 am
2brumfielda BRONZE, White Castle, Louisiana
1 article 0 photos 3 comments
This is hilarious! I’ve always been a Twilight fan, but I loved how the story was twisted into a comedy. My favorite part was, “EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.”

katikat00 said...
on Nov. 4 2015 at 9:55 am
katikat00, White Castle, Louisiana
0 articles 0 photos 3 comments
This fan fiction is quite funny. I, personally am not the greatest fan of the Twilight Saga, but this fan fiction puts a funny twist on the whole story line. “[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]” The way you portray Edward as the dumb character in the fan fiction and Jacob as the smart one just makes the whole thing funny.

on Nov. 2 2015 at 10:13 am
MasterAzzBlaster,
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
Wow anyone who even enjoyed this should re-evaluate their lives. This story was worse than Avatar: The Last Air Bender movie franchise and I would rather watch that again!

on Oct. 30 2015 at 2:53 am
lamichael2998,
0 articles 0 photos 2 comments
this is too funny to be true! thanks for the summary

Nashi BRONZE said...
on Oct. 26 2015 at 5:54 pm
Nashi BRONZE, Cochranton, Pennsylvania
3 articles 0 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"a persons a person no matter how small"
Horton the elaphant

i might like twilight, but that was one of the most funniest things I've read

on Oct. 22 2015 at 2:24 pm
Kiera1332 BRONZE, The Colony, Texas
3 articles 0 photos 7 comments
This was amazing... Not a big fan of vampire stuff, or Twighlight especially, but this was great and actually made me laugh.

on Oct. 4 2015 at 6:19 pm
BreeZephyr SILVER, Broken Arrow, Oklahoma
7 articles 0 photos 84 comments

Favorite Quote:
“In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him...it's impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves.” - Orson Scott Card, Ender's Game

I have never bothered to read the Twilight Saga because of its utter ridiculousness but this makes me want to read it just so I can understand this better...so funny!!

mae_day BRONZE said...
on Sep. 30 2015 at 12:57 am
mae_day BRONZE, Olive Branch, Mississippi
1 article 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
"There is only one way to avoid criticism; do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."
---Aristotle

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OMG! I'm a true Twiligt fan, but this so accurate I almost died! *hysterically laughing & clapping at the same time*

on Sep. 12 2015 at 11:36 pm
CheshireKitty1 BRONZE, Terrace, Other
4 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is my lifeline

I want to do this I just need to gather people

on Sep. 12 2015 at 9:44 pm
sharpened_pencil GOLD, Warren, New Jersey
11 articles 1 photo 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Life can suck, sure. Mostly though it's a blank canvas. If you want to see something brighter in it, you might have to add it yourself." -Patrick Stump, Fall Out Boy

This is the first funny piece I've seen on this website and I must say you did a fantastic job, this made my day. Awesome job man XD

on Sep. 11 2015 at 9:17 am
Rainbow_Princess, Columbus, Ohio
0 articles 0 photos 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I can accept failure but, I can't accept not trying." ~ Michael Jordan ~

I ALMOST DIED LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on Aug. 22 2015 at 5:33 pm
CheshireKitty1 BRONZE, Terrace, Other
4 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
Music is my lifeline

LOVING THIS!

on Aug. 21 2015 at 1:26 pm
RainWriter GOLD, Rochester, New York
12 articles 10 photos 9 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If not me, who? If not now, when?" -Emma Watson, Gender Equality is Your Issue Too, Speech at the United Nations

I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!

on Aug. 16 2015 at 9:32 am
shivusharma BRONZE, Jammu, Other
2 articles 1 photo 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
""..If you love me ..... Just let me know..""

wow.... just wow.

on Jul. 30 2015 at 8:18 pm
Timber2141 GOLD, Enterprise, Utah
10 articles 0 photos 4 comments

Favorite Quote:
What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?

This article is brilliant. Nothing else to say. :)

on Jul. 23 2015 at 10:35 am
SomeoneMagical PLATINUM, Durham, New Hampshire
22 articles 1 photo 260 comments
I loved this so much...and now I feel compelled to read the Twilight saga. Great job. I look forward to more of your work! (Feel free to read and comment on any or all of my work:TeenInk.com/fiction/romance/article/812903/Love-at-First-Light/ (the link to My best piece!)

on Jul. 12 2015 at 2:49 pm
Ianultraman BRONZE, Basking Ridge, New Jersey
3 articles 0 photos 17 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive" - Elbert Hubbard

IF there was a replay button I would've hit it so many times... Thank god I have a mouse.