The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes | Teen Ink

The Twilight Saga in About Two Minutes

September 26, 2009
By LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
LucyM BRONZE, Kent, Ohio
2 articles 0 photos 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
90% of my happiness is coming from my pants.

Alright, alright, sorry, inside joke. Okay how about: "If you give a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day; if you set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett.


[BELLA and EDWARD are onstage. EDWARD is staring over his shoulder like a creeper at BELLA.]



BELLA: Are you a vampire?



EDWARD: No! Yes...



[BELLA whirls around to face EDWARD.]



BELLA: I love you.



EDWARD: I love you too.



[They kiss. JAMES enters and stands menacingly behind BELLA.]



BELLA: Help! I'm in danger!



[EDWARD punches JAMES. JAMES falls and is no longer onstage. The pair kiss again.]



EDWARD: I love you. I don't love you. I have to go now.



BELLA: Aww.



[EDWARD exits. JACOB enters.]



JACOB: I love you too.



BELLA: Yay!



[They embrace. EDWARD rushes back in.]



EDWARD: Hey, get away from my girl!



JACOB: Or what?



[Michael Jackson music plays, preferably 'Thriller.']



EDWARD and JACOB in UNISON: Dance off!



[They dance for a short time before BELLA interjects.]



BELLA: Stop it! Can't you see- my eggo is preggo!



EDWARD: Yay!

JACOB: (with intensity) I am in love your child! [awkward pause] Hey, isn't there something about the Volturi?



EDWARD: Yeah, but that was anti-climactic.



BELLA: Nothing happened. Edward! Please! Kill me so I can live forever!



EDWARD: (looks doubtful) Okay.



[EDWARD pulls out a gun and shoots her. She collapses to the ground; JACOB face-palms.]





JACOB: I think she meant "bite me."



EDWARD: Oh.



[EDWARD bites BELLA.]



BELLA: (rising with arms outstretched) I'm aliiiiiive!



[RENESME, preschool aged, runs out from behind her.]



RENESME: I'm your daughter!



ALL: Yay!



[Cut to scene of the four skipping through a field with "Happy Together" by the Turtles playing. EDWARD, already shiny, takes his shirt off and blinds everyone with his whiteness. Music abruptly cuts off.]



EDWARD: Oops.



End credits.

The author's comments:
Don't flame, dudes. That's seriously lame. Feel free to film, just credit me in the credits and let me know if you're making a movie so I can check it out.

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This article has 1936 comments.


on Dec. 27 2014 at 9:01 pm
valkyrie12310 SILVER, Fort Worth, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 2 comments
Not to be stereotypical or anything but... #TRUTH

on Dec. 10 2014 at 8:28 pm
YukiNagato SILVER, Fredericksburg, Virginia
8 articles 0 photos 15 comments

Favorite Quote:
"The world is not beautiful; therefore, it is."
-Kino's Journey

The is the best version of Twilight I've read! Hilarious!!! :)

on Nov. 13 2014 at 7:48 am
Chrissiana1320 BRONZE, Hypoluxo, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
"It isn't what you can do with your strength, but how you chose to use."


















-By me, I think.

Really Funny.

on Nov. 11 2014 at 9:40 pm
MargaretNorman GOLD, Indianpoils, Indiana
16 articles 0 photos 13 comments

Favorite Quote:
I WILL BY FAITH EVEN WHEN I CAN NOT SEE BECAUSE THIS BROKEN ROAD PREPARES YOUR WILL FOR ME. - JEREMY CAMP

"FROM DUSK TILL DAWN BEWARE NIGHTS CALL, FOR NIGHTMARES RISE AS SHADOWS FALL."

i know the strugle

Ashlom said...
on Nov. 5 2014 at 5:20 pm
That was the best Twilight story EVER!!!!!! You should do the Host now. Thanks for a good laugh

on Oct. 15 2014 at 11:55 am
jetpuppy11 SILVER, Stamford, New York
5 articles 1 photo 2 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Storms don't last forever."
"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
"Nobody is perfect, Every Body is beautiful."

ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!

on Oct. 1 2014 at 9:02 am
Pieric123456789 SILVER, West Windsor Township, New Jersey
6 articles 0 photos 3 comments
THAT IS AWESOME

on Sep. 13 2014 at 6:30 pm
Clary_Fray DIAMOND, Castro Valley, California
50 articles 13 photos 35 comments

Favorite Quote:
foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of the mind
-rwe

This is great. Two thumbs up!

on Aug. 18 2014 at 8:57 pm
Pookie16 BRONZE, Olathe, Kansas
3 articles 0 photos 6 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't be an idiot." - Michael Scott, The Office

THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.

Jkw7072 BRONZE said...
on Aug. 13 2014 at 9:57 am
Jkw7072 BRONZE, King George, Virginia
2 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
*personal quote meaning from me?**nah*
"We accept the love we think we deserve."
"We're all mad here."

Edward and I have something in common, we both blind people with our whiteness.

KFT22 GOLD said...
on Aug. 12 2014 at 4:25 am
KFT22 GOLD, Darien, Connecticut
16 articles 0 photos 31 comments
Hahahaha! You had me at the title....had fun reading this

KylieK GOLD said...
on Aug. 4 2014 at 9:33 pm
KylieK GOLD, Mt. Washington, Kentucky
11 articles 0 photos 270 comments

Favorite Quote:
"To love is to surpass one's self."

I lost it when I got to the part where Edward "blinds everyone with his whiteness."

on Jul. 7 2014 at 1:47 am
RachelReads SILVER, Milton, Other
9 articles 0 photos 3 comments

Favorite Quote:
All our dreams can come true, as long as we have the courage to pursue them.

So hilarious! OMG!

on Jun. 16 2014 at 3:09 pm
Z.V.Oksana PLATINUM, Harrison, Arkansas
22 articles 1 photo 60 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Maybe you can afford to wait. Maybe for you there's a tomorrow. Maybe for you there's one thousand tomorrows, or three thousand, or ten, so much time you can bathe in it, roll around it, let it slide like coins through you fingers. So much time you can waste it.
But for some of us there's only today. And the truth is, you never really know.”
― Lauren Oliver, Before I Fall

somebody should actually perform this. This is hilarious!

on Jun. 2 2014 at 11:48 am
StygianSparrow BRONZE, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
3 articles 0 photos 1 comment
This is hilarious! Just wondering, but do you have this up on fanfiction.net?

on May. 27 2014 at 1:37 pm
Sane-or-Insane SILVER, Highland Village, Texas
7 articles 0 photos 2 comments
Love it!!!!!! We have been needing a good twilight parody!

on May. 17 2014 at 1:27 pm
Regoneth SILVER, Ilford, Other
9 articles 1 photo 36 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Driver picks the music. Shotgun shuts his cake hole.” - Dean Winchester, Supernatural.

hahahahaha! That's really funny XD

on Apr. 30 2014 at 1:57 pm
BeautifulInsanity BRONZE, Paola, Kansas
3 articles 2 photos 5 comments

Favorite Quote:
God can heal a broken heart but first you must give him all the peices

Best Twilight summary ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on Apr. 24 2014 at 11:18 pm
esleygirl SILVER, Lacey, Washington
8 articles 3 photos 3 comments
Same here!! I almost didn't read it, but I'm so glad I did."

on Apr. 17 2014 at 2:00 pm
Hells_Will SILVER, Davenport, Washington
7 articles 0 photos 18 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Wrists are for bracelets, not cutting" - Kellin Quinn

This... Now this is pure genius!!!! Comdey gold!!! i LOVE this!!!!!!


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