The Color Of The Inside Of My Mouth This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine.

January 22, 2009
I wipe at my stupid eyes with the back of my hand, and it startles me for a second that my tears are gray. I dunno why it surprised me; I mean, I buy the s***ty mascara that’s $1.99 in the 20 Items or Less checkout lane. Why spend oodles of green on something I hardly ever use?

I just wanted to look nice, you know? Like those girls who’re just naturally fake pretty. The girls who can blend shades of eyeshadow like no one’s business, and match their lipstick to the exact color of their toenail polish or whatever. Seemingly effortless, yet impeccably coordinated.

This is good stuff, I should write for a living – solely on the subject of beauty queens with superiority complexes, of course.

I just want … God, what do I want? I want to feel the sun on my face and paint the clouds and hear the music in the trees and love myself and love someone else and just feel perpetually beautiful.

But that requires the $14.99 waterproof, fire-retardant, Grade-5-hurricane-resistant mascara, not the tube that’s two bucks in Lane 4.

My shoes are dirty and outdated, but that’s how I like them. I like these shoes. They’re comfortable. Why do I need new, expensive, fashionably appealing shoes in order for someone to say, “Hey dogg, you look nice today”?

And why is it that whenever I get deathly bored and slather cheap, pore-clogging makeup all over my face everyone suddenly says, “Wow, you look pretty!”? Since when is “pretty” about whale blubber and cocoa butter?

I’ll tell you one thing, though. I most definitely am not crying about some stupid XY.

Definitely not.

I’m crying for all the whales that have to give up their fatty insulation so that some fugly anorexic super bitch can paint herself pretty every freaking day, giving him something halfway decent to oggle all the time.

Seriously, I’m not leaking saltwater over a guy.

I just think it’s cruel and unfair that the fat-endowed marine life population doesn’t even get the slightest warning that they’ll soon be on a cosmetics endcap at K-Mart.

He could have at least broken it to me gently, you know? We’ve been friends since the George Bush/Al Gore debacle.

I mean come the Bette Midler on.

I spill my blood, guts, and viscera out to this guy and he throws down the “Let’s just be friends” card without a second thought?

It’s just … it’s common courtesy to ease someone into heartbreak, not smash it over their head like a whiffleball bat.

You know what? I’m going to take my $1.99 checkout Lane 4 mascara and chuck it right at her big, stupid square head.

This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. This piece has been published in Teen Ink’s monthly print magazine.

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xprezzionstar said...
May 10, 2011 at 7:24 pm
omg i love this no exactly how u feel ik dis come from a diary but u culd turn this into a great novvel!
cutegirl97 said...
May 10, 2011 at 9:46 am
i love your emotion! some people just don't have the guts to tell it how it is but you sure do! keep writing!
ZombiiEvelyn said...
May 10, 2011 at 12:57 am

are all your diary entries like this? i like it. i often write in a journal or diary or whatever and feel like im regurgitating words instead of thoughts, like im stating facts in such a phony way, so i prefer not to rly wirte unless ive got somehting to say, which seems less and less now..

but anyways keep writing :) (sorry i have monkey brain)

Desiree(: said...
May 9, 2011 at 12:34 pm
Goodd , but too bigg of word's ; lmao . XD It's confuseingg , but i gett itt . goodd workk ; keepp itt upp . (:
ExpRESsY0uRselF said...
Apr. 18, 2011 at 4:41 pm
Love it. You made it so real, and not a trying-to-write-all-flowery-and-elaborate-to-get-an-A-in-L.A. piece. Thank you for that breath of fresh air! BTW, if you have time, please check out my poems, THe Girl Inside, Remembering Spring, and You Are The Lyrics In Me. Thanks! 8)
ImAnAlien replied...
Apr. 21, 2011 at 3:34 pm
thats amazing i love it.
MallyJo said...
Apr. 18, 2011 at 12:57 pm
The very last line made my day. It sounds like something I would actually do. Keep up the good work. :)
maki_rain said...
Apr. 18, 2011 at 11:51 am
Wait to stay real. Nice piece by the way. It has personality.
Iluvmybff said...
Apr. 18, 2011 at 11:12 am
I LOVE this!!! Its amazing!!!
bridgetmurphy14 said...
Mar. 27, 2011 at 8:40 pm
I love this! This is so fantanstic!
Writergirl18 said...
Mar. 27, 2011 at 8:15 pm
This is awesome! It is time someone spoke out. Awesome Job!
Jessica J. said...
Mar. 27, 2011 at 12:22 pm
I love that writing!!!!!!!!!!!!
Becca17 said...
Mar. 25, 2011 at 10:17 am
oh my gosh. one of the best articles i've ever read YOU GO GIRL!
Sandra said...
Mar. 15, 2011 at 10:09 pm
I love the humor! It makes me more interesting and makes me want to read more!
AnarchyIsMyFriend said...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 1:28 pm
I love it!
hungergames_love said...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 12:37 pm
I love the caustic humor, it reminds me of me. Definitely a great journal entry!
PaRaNoRmAl627 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 12:22 pm
I love the honesty here. It made me feel so guilty though, for worrying so much about what other people think of me. I think its really really great that you're able to be yourself without hiding behind makeup and expensive clothes and shoes. I'm sure you're beautiful.
Megabite8 said...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 10:18 am
I absolutely love how you're able to just let it all out. You change so effortlessly between what really happened and what you're trying to say happened. I love that. Great job! I feel like that a lot of the time... it stinks... im sorry.
sabina22 said...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 9:27 am
Oh my goodness, this reminds me of myself so much, haha xD I try to look nice for the person I like, and he hangs out with a bunch of the popular girls cuz I guess he's one of those uber-likeable people, and it's like, "Hey, what about me, the shy girl in the corner who cares about you more than they ever could?!" Anyway, I'll stop ranting now =) I love this, great job
IluvJesus said...
Mar. 5, 2011 at 6:56 am
lol I loved this! I dont wear fancy new things either for reasons you just put out. I actually kinda like being the only girl I know who doesn't wear converse, or areopostle, or makeup. I can feel good about that
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