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Mirror, Mirror, On The Wall

Author's note:

The girls I interviewed asked for their names to be changed. 

Author's note:

The girls I interviewed asked for their names to be changed. 

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Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 14 Next »

Chapter Three - Claire

Claire never thought she would have an eating disorder.
During her freshman and sophomore years of high school, she turned her nose up at the idea. She thought, “It was stupid to do that yourself, to starve for your physical beauty. I’ll eat what I want and not think twice about it.”
But in her junior year, her happy relationship with food started to slowly die.
The high school years are terrible years in themselves. These are the years children believe they are adults. They go through a process of violent sorting that leaves most of us bleeding and quivering on the other side. Some say high school was the best four years of their lives, but I think they must be lying.
“It didn’t even start with my weight,” Claire said. “It started because everything I ate would make me sick, and it would make my stomach get really, really big, and it would hurt. I was super into caring about my stomach, and if I ate, my stomach would be bigger and I would look really fat. So I became insecure and started to think, ‘You can’t eat that because you’ll look fat. You can’t eat.’”
In retaliation, Claire started to restrict everything she ate. She went low carb. Super low carb. If she ate breakfast, it might consist of a single banana. Lunch in the crowded, teenage-soaked cafeteria was a small Tupperware container of vegetables. Dinner was a plate of air.
“I wouldn’t eat anything.”
“I lost a lot of weight, but I didn’t really see that. People would say how skinny I looked. I thought it was a compliment. But then I started to get depressed. I had struggled with depression in the past, but it started to be really bad. Now I know it was because I wasn’t eating. If you don’t eat, your brain can’t function properly.”
During Claire’s senior year of high school, she realized her body was changing in ways she couldn’t control. She noticed her hips, and instead of embracing the development of Shakira’s truth tellers, she suddenly became conscious of her weight.
“I really thought I was fat. I used to be so thin naturally. It was the worst thing ever. So for breakfast, I would get up in the morning and eat like a banana. And for lunch I would eat just a smoothie. Sometimes I wouldn’t finish it and then a lot of times I wouldn’t eat dinner. But if it was a certain day, I would just go out of control. I would just binge. Anything I could get a hold of, like twice a week. My body would just freak out, and I just couldn’t control it. I just had to eat. And I could not stop.”
Binging can be applied to many activities. Drinking, watching television, exercising. But binge eating is particularly ensnaring. For suddenly the tight bounds that a girl has placed around her diet have snapped. She is out of control, almost like an animal, wolfing down anything and everything edible.
Then she feels guilty, incredibly guilty. Sometimes, these girls may even force themselves to vomit to rid themselves of that unwelcome nourishment.
“I never made myself throw up,” Claire said. “But there were a couple of times I was really close, like after I would binge and think, ‘I can’t have this in me.’ But I never made myself throw up, so I wasn’t bulimic.”
“It was just extreme self hatred. I thought I looked so fat. I don’t know. I felt so uncomfortable in myself.”
“There was one day. I will never forget it. I was at my grandma’s house, and my aunt (she just says stupid things) said, ‘You look like you’ve gained some weight. You can see it in your face. You’re not fat, just a little curvier. To be honest, you looked anorexic before.’”
Claire was dismayed. “Oh my God. People are noticing. I look BIGGER. I look  F A T!”
Claire’s eating disorder soon had complete control on her life. If she even thought she might look fat, she shut herself off from the outside world. She shunned her friends and stayed in her room, safely wrapped under her sheets.
She only wanted to be a model. She only wanted to look perfect and thin like them. She wanted their happiness, and she was paying dearly for it.

Chapters:   « Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 ... 14 Next »

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