Author's note: I was inspired to write the story of my life to help others who go through the same situations... Show full author's note »
Caring, Sharing, and SmilingSoon enough, I was so depressed that I was posting depressing quotes all over my social network profiles. I was still cutting. I wasn’t Ari. Ari would have known to stop. I was addicted. I was making many more stupid decisions. To lose weight, because I was not perfect, I stopped eating. I skipped breakfast and lunch every day. I only ate half portions for dinner. I started running everyday. In total, I only took in about 300 calories every day. I was killing myself, quite literally; but I was at the point, I couldn’t stop. It was so much fun to live on the edge like this, to know that you were being stupid, and that you could easily kill yourself with one of these decisions. It wouldn’t be long before these decisions caught up with me.
I moped through school every single day and finally gave up on hiding my gift. I started answering questions in school. I always got them right. Kids started teasing me for it. They didn’t know that I was born this way; they thought I studied every single night just to show off for them. It wasn’t true. The more they teased me, the more I cut myself. Eventually, I was so embarrassed and upset by the teasing that it made me start considering other options in my life. I was actually driven to the point of suicide. Yeah, I know, pathetic, right? One night, I was so upset that I wrote a suicide note and tried to slit my wrist. It wasn’t deep enough to do any permanent damage, and that quickly cured my desire to end my life for a while. I still thought about it every day though.
One day, I was finished with my homework and was just bumming on one of my many social networks when James started an IM with me.
“Hey Ari, are you okay?”
“Not really, J, it’s hard to explain.”
“Well, I’ve noticed your depressing posts lately and your change in personality. I wanted to know if I could help.”
Does he actually care about me?
“Um, I don’t know if you can help. It’s something that happened recently, that’s it.”
“If you ever need to talk, you can call me, here’s my phone number.”
Oh my gosh, did he just give me his phone number?
“Thanks. I might just take you up on that sometime. It might be nice to talk to someone who wants to listen for once.”
“Why don’t we stay after school next week and we can talk for a little bit?”
I don’t want to get close to him and make him think I’m a freak; but, this might be a good chance to talk.
“Sure. Why not?”
“Great, what’s your last class of the day? I’ll meet you there and walk you out.”
“Great, see you then. “
Things were looking up. I was suddenly looking forward to that day. I covered my arms in makeup so he couldn’t see my scars, not knowing how much I was actually going to tell him. When the day finally came, I was absolutely ecstatic. I don’t even remember why. I grabbed my water bottle out of my locker, and he walked me to an empty classroom and we just talked. It felt like days that we talked. He asked what was up, and I answered truthfully. It seemed for once that there was someone who actually understood me. At the end of the conversation, he saw me glancing at a piano in the middle of the room. He asked if I played, I replied with a yes. He scurried over and played a song for me on the piano, his fingers gracefully gliding from each key to the next. Soon thereafter, he played a song we were both familiar with. We broke out into song and starting harmonizing. The euphoria in the room was absolutely electric. I couldn’t let this go.
He got a text from his mom saying that he had to go, so he walked me out to my mom’s car where she was impatiently waiting on me. I got in, but thanked him before I left. I told him that he had made me happy, for the first time in a while. He smiled and said he would talk to me the next day.
Weeks passed by and our routine stayed the same. We walked and talked. I have to admit, that over time I did develop a slight crush on him; but mostly, he was my best friend. I will never forget him for that. He has saved me a lot of grief and helped me come to grips with things that I can’t change. We texted once school was over for the day. I would stay up till the early hours of the morning texting him. It was great.
This was around the time that I developed a passionate love for butterflies again. One day, I saw one outside, but instead of seeing the standard butterfly that I would usually see, I saw the deep comparison between humans and butterflies. I realized how similar we are, even though, no human alive would probably admit it. My favorite butterfly, I call the J Butterfly because of James. He opened my eyes up to so many things around me, that I didn’t notice because I was stuck on myself. Butterflies became a special thing to me. A symbolization of life. The reason for my existence. The hope in my darkness. The reminder of light when I was happy.