Author's note: I was inspired to write the story of my life to help others who go through the same situations... Show full author's note »
Crimson Tears Fall With Great SorrowThe next day, I woke up at 4:30 AM and rode the school bus to the college where the contest took place. I recited my poem and unfortunately, was awarded third place in my division. I took my medal and got on the bus. I had failed.
On the ride home, we stopped at a fast food restaurant for ice cream as a treat. That is when I noticed him. He was tall and blond. He had a voice that sounded like pure honey. Usually, I’m not one to pay attention to guys. They usually find me bland and dull, compared to the other girls at my school. He noticed me though and started talking to me. He asked me some of my hobbies and ambitions. I told him that I wanted to get into the highest singing group at my school. Shocked, he asked if I went to Lillyport High. I rolled my eyes and replied with a yes, and asked why. Turns out, he goes to my school. This might turn out amazing. I asked what his name was, and he replied “James.” He asked my name, and I replied “Ariana, but I go by Ari. He told me it was a beautiful name, and then, we proceeded to file back onto the bus. After the end of the trip, I went home, threw my medal into my medal pile in the corner of my room. It had long passed the time where I had room to hang up my medals on my wall. They were completely covered now. I laid down to sleep, knowing that tonight would be worse than most. I suffer from insomnia and extreme nightmares. Well, I have always suffered from the insomnia but the nightmares came about last year after the accident. The day.
I was hanging out with some friends at the lake. It was actually a teen group event. We had just gotten out of the water and finished eating, when my friend Mia suggested that we go for a drive. I replied with a “yes” and I took the driver’s seat. Soon, we ended up racing with our teen pastor and a buddy of his. We were in front in a golf cart, and they followed behind us. I was going faster than I should have and wasn’t paying attention. I suddenly looked up and a tree was in front of me. I freaked out. I span the wheel as far to the right as possible to avoid colliding with the tree. When everything caught up with me, I realized we were flipping. The golf cart rolled completely over us and landed back right side up, still running. I suffered a minor concussion and a gash on my back. My friend Mia bruised her back. Mia’s sister, Deli, hurt her foot and broke it in several places. It was so bad she had to go to the hospital and have surgery. It put her into a wheel chair for months after the accident. And Jenna, well, she bruised her tailbone. It was horrible. It cut Deli’s foot open so far that you could see the bone and tendons. It will always haunt my nightmares until the day I die.
I dreamt about the accident that night. It was just as horrible and vivid as the day I experienced it. The next morning, I woke up, shook my head, and kept going. It was Sunday. It was time for church. I loved church. It was amazing. I had two really awesome teen pastors, I had Mia, and ultimately, I could worship by singing and playing music, my one true desire in life. Nothing could ruin this day for me, or so I thought.
I stepped into our church building at exactly 9:03, I could never forget the time I thought my life was over for the first time. There would be more, I was sure of it. My life sucked, it was bound to happen; but as I stepped into the building, Mia ran up and she simply whispered, “I have to tell you something.” All of the sudden, my euphoria dropped. I had never had high self-confidence, but I knew this had to do something with me and her. My thoughts raced frantically, She’s leaving me. What did I do to deserve this? This is my only friend, and she’s abandoning me. I guess that’s what I deserve, you know. I’m not cool or pretty, all I am is a nerd. How long did I expect Mia to keep going on like it was fun to hang out with me? All I do is drag her down. Well, at least I know what she’s going to tell me. I can’t be shocked now. I deserve this. I’ll save the tears until I get home. My life is over. That’s it. It’s over.
I ambled begrudgingly to my teen room, up the stairs. I only fell once on the way up. I stepped into the room and instantly, you could feel the tension in the room. Yep, I was right. I guess she never forgave me for the accident. Mia stood up and said, “We’re leaving.” Instantly, my head started spinning. My own conclusion was accurate. I knew this was coming, but I didn’t expect it to be true. I felt like I was going to pass out. I quickly excused myself and went and talked to my mom across the hall. All she could muster was a “Maybe it’s for the best.”
The rest of the day went by, but I couldn’t focus on it. My heart wasn’t into my piano music that day, nor was it into my singing. I was there in person, but not there in soul or mind. As soon as I arrived home, I ran into my room and locked my door. Nobody would ever be able to break through my life again. Right then, was when I vowed that no one would ever be able to make friends with me again. I had lost too many friends that way. I vowed that I would be a different person from then on. I believe that is when things took a turn for the worse in my life. I didn’t care about doing the smart things anymore. I was hurting so bad. I just wanted it to end. I lay on my bed and cried.
After what seemed like hours, I sat up. I was in so much pain. I thought through things; and randomly, a thought flew threw my head. I should have known better and just ignored it; but at the time, it was a desperate thought for desperate people. I was desperate. I thought about all those people in the world that cut themselves when they were emotionally hurting. I knew it wasn’t smart, but I figured, “Hey, my life is over anyway, nothing matters. I’ll try it” I scoured my room for a pair of scissors and held them to my arm. I was scared. I knew how much damage this could actually do. I’m smart. I’ll know how deep to cut. Just enough to cover my pain. Just enough to bring the attention to my arm and away from Mia. And just like that, I pressed the blade to my arm and thought to myself This is for you Mia. Very quickly, I had four or five cuts on my arm, oozing blood. It felt... invigorating. I felt alive. They burned and the blood pulsed down my arm in a smooth crimson ribbon. I no longer thought about Mia and my troubles. I thought only of the current moment. At once, I knew that I was in danger. I threw the scissors across my room and bandaged my arm. I could never be so stupid again. What was I thinking? Another night of sleep quietly enveloped me, and I slowly drifted off into a peaceful dream.
I managed to make it through the next couple of weeks without any big roadblocks. I passed every test. I slid past everyone except James. He noticed me at school. Everyday, he would talk to me. I felt him getting closer to me. I couldn’t have that so I changed my route to each of my classes. He caught my hints and backed off. After my first cutting experience, I had taken to wearing all black or dark colors. My hair managed to always cover my eyes. I was too ashamed for anyone to figure out what I had done, and my eyes are the window to my soul. I was always sad. The cuts never did make me forget about Mia completely. I was a completely different person. This was not Ari.