Twilight | Teen Ink


April 24, 2009
By Anonymous

Paper shredder reviews

Today's victim:


Why Twilight Sucks
An essay

Part one

Paragraph one. Explaining why Twilight sucks.

OK first things first. It's NOT just my opinion that Twilight sucks. There are people who are practically paid to rate books, and they said themselves, “Twilight is horribly undeveloped”. Also Stephen King, my idol, said himself, and I quote, “Stephanie Myer can't write worth a darn,” and goes on to explain, “in the case of Stephanie Myer, it's very clear that she's writing to a whole generation of girls and opening up a kind of safe joining of love and sex in those books. It's exciting and thrilling and it's not particularly threatening because their not overtly sexual A lot of the physical side of it is conveyed in things like the vampire will touch her forearm, or run a hand over her skin, and she just flushes all hot and cold. And for girls, that's shorthand for all the feelings that they're not ready to deal with yet”. That being said, Myers decided to just hide in her little lair whenever she discovered that the first 200 semod pages of her new book, Midnight Sun, were leaked onto the internet. I mean, come on. Authors that are actually quite competent at writing (such as JK Rowling) would know that this is a cliffhanger, which would make people want too read it even more to find out what would happen next (increasing the suspense), thus more people would try it.
Also, it is not even revealed that Edward is a vampire until about page 127, even thought its revealed on the back of the book. So why would Myers want to go through all the ‘suspense' if you already know what's going to happen if you just take the time to read the back of the book?
Now, the sparkling. Now, I'm not going to go into a long rant about how vampires aren't supposed to sparkle, because I think that vampires are open for interpretation, but there is one thing I need to say about the sparkling, there is no symbolism behind the sparkling. I mean, its just sparkling!
Also, all the characters in Twilight are ATROCIOUSLY developed. The only people that get any amount of screen time are Bella and Edward. Myers lightly touched on the other characters background, but then forgets them completely. Also, Bella is supposedly ugly, yet she has every guy in Forks high school falling all over her, including the teachers. It seems her only flaw is that she's clumsy, which is
the only way her darling Edward to save her repeatedly. If the words “Mary Sue” came to mind after you read that sentence, then you are totally and completely correct. And in biology class, the students are supposed to cut open their fingers to test their blood type, but the teacher fails to send out permission forms. I mean seriously, if a teacher pulled a stunt like that in real life, then I'm confident that they would get fired.
And in the “Twilight vs Harry Potter” argument, all the Twilighters reasons for liking Twilight is “OMG EDWARD R SO SEXY I LUV HIM EDWARD R HOT HARRY R NOT1!11!1!!1ONE~!!2!SIXTY-SIX!!!223!1”, whereas the Harry Potter fans find legitimate reasons for why HP is better than Twilight. And the only reason Edwards “hot” is because Myers chose the write him that way. I mean, all it takes to make a character hot it to type “(insert name here) is hot”, so that's not a legitimate reason at all.
That being said, the book has an appalling lack of symbolism. Now, I understand that I sound like some literary geek with Shakespeare under one arm and Edgar Allen Poe under the other, but there's a reason that stuff is there. It makes the book interesting, and its lets us make connections with the book. The only piece of symbolism is the apple on the front of the book, symbolizing the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden, meaning that Bella and Edward's love is forbidden. But, seeing as no one tries to stop their love, their love is not forbidden, thus rendering the symbolism is useless.
Also, Myers uses the words “Neither of us were very verbose” to describe the silence in the car. But what Myers fails to realize is that ‘verbose' and ‘talkative' DO NOT MEAN THE SAME THING. Also, she uses the words ‘incandescent' and ‘scintillating' to describe Edwards sparkling. Incandescent? As in a light bulb? And we're supposed to be taking this seriously?? And Myers overuses words to describe Edward as a ‘Marble-skinned Adonis', and once Bella meets him, the rest of the book is spent, yes reader!, describing how Edward is perfect in every way that you are not. And apparently, Edward is the ‘Perfect Boyfriend' and ‘Every girls Dream Man', when Edward abuses her, goes Bipolar on her, stalks her, and doesn't let her have any contact with the outside world. And Bella, being the ‘smart, spunky type she is' takes it without complaint! This couldn't be more sexist if Bella spent her time cooking and cleaning around the house. Oh wait. She does.
Now, the baby. Its supposedly Edward's child, but here's some fact about vampires. When a human turns into a vampire, all of their bodily fluids, including blood and semen, turn to venom, so it's impossible for it to be Edward's baby. So, let's see, who was Bella spending loads of time with other than Edward? Answer: Jacob. And to support this idea, Myers never really goes into detail about what Bella does at Jacobs's house.
It also seems that Myers can't stand to let a character not have a happy ending, so seeing as Bella gets together with Edward, she has a baby that will grow up super fast and has Jacob imprint on it so he gets a happy ending too. And, if my idea on Jacob being the true father of ‘Reneesme' (which is a retarded name…) and he imprints on the baby, that would be incest as well as pedophilia. It's also pedophilia seeing as Edward's about 400+ years old and Bella's, what, sixteen? Seventeen?
This book also glorifies teen sex and pregnancy, because Bella gets pregnant when around 16 or 17, so she becomes a dropout to take care of a baby that's mortal and immortal at the same time. Seriously, how can someone be mortal and immortal? What, is one half of the baby's body able to die the other not?
And that's not to mention the repetition and clichés all through the book. Myers doesn't even tell us what was going on if you just randomly pick up book 2, 3, or 4, whereas other authors would at least remind us of what was going on. She just automatically assumes that you've read every other book obsessively, and that you'll follow the plot like a donkey with a carrot attached to a stick.

Paragraph two
Explaining why the Twilight fans (Twitards) are insane.

It seems that the properly named Twitards have resorted to stalking Robert Pattinison, who plays Edward in the movie Twilight. Why am I not surprised? It was only a matter of time before the true crazies in the Twilight army revealed themselves. What with the masses of pre-pubescent fan girls that showed up at the Twilight movie premier, begging for Rob to bite them or have his babies. While Rob was busy filming away in Little Ashes, he noticed a quite persistent Twitard who was watching him from afar everyday, idolizing him for his sparkleyness. He later decided to confront said fan girl and ask her out on a date to show how boring his actual life is and that Edward is fictional. I'm pleased to say that this attempt to reach out to her worked and it restored what sanity was still inside her. His attempt probably saved her from being thrown into an asylum later on in her life. One rabid fan down, A GAJILLION MORE TO GO!! RUN ROBERT RUN!!!! I might also add that with the opening paragraph showing Stephen Kings thoughts, that the Twitards have actually gone so far as too say that Stephen was the poor writer, and that he is just jealous of Meyer's supposed “ability in the field of writing”, and saying that he is angry that he did not think of Twilight first. Well let me tell you something, King has already dabbled in the vampire fiction genre when he wrote Salem's Lot ages ago. His vampires actually scare the crap out of you, while Meyer's ‘sparklepires' do no more but sit around and sparkle.

Paragraph three

Explaining why Meyer's ideas are not original

There have been Twitards saying that Meyer's book is just ‘Oh so original'. Well, I'll be quite frank; Meyer's abomination is not original one bit. How many stories have there been of mortals falling in love with vampires? I don't think anyone can count that high… There is also a lawsuit being filed against Meyer's for plagiarism. Her ex-roommate from college claims that she wrote a paper for English with a plot strikingly similar to that of Twilight. She also says that she showed Meyer's said paper. Now some of you more devoted Twitards out there might be like “Oh, she's just jealous, she's just filing it for money and to get Meyer's to stop writing her sparkly-vampire saga!!”, but the English teacher who got the story from the ex-roommate says that he's remembered it, because it was “just so unique”. And the similarities aren't just names, and vampires. The ex-roommate and the English teacher say that the plot is almost exactly alike. So HA! Take that Twitards! Turns out your precious Twilight isn't as original as you thought!

Why Harry Potter would kick Twilights butt any day

Part two.

Explaining all the stuff Harry Potter has, and comparing it to what Twilight has.

Ok, many people have said that Twilight has many more real-world things and issues. This is utterly false. All Twilight deals with is love and friends, while Harry Potter has love, betrayal, friendship, loss, issues with poor/rich people, etc., etc. (that's just to name a few, I just can't remember the rest…). See the difference? If someone believed what Twilight is saying, it would mean that they think that their life is going to be easy and that they'll get everything they want, including a nice boy/girlfriend (who would turn out to be extremely abusive, by stalking you, going bipolar, threaten you, and not allow you to have any contact whatsoever with the outside world), and that they'll live a perfect life. THIS IS NOT TRUE!! Notice how I underlined it and made it capitol letters, it must be important. If you pick up HP and believe what happens, you'll know that life isn't perfect and that you will not have everything the way you want it, you'll accept the fact that you will lose loved ones and that sometimes your just going to want to give up, but you know that you need to keep going because just around the corner there will be the answer to everything.

Paragraph two.

Explaining why Harry Potter is better than Twilight.

I'm just going to throw this out. Harry Potter is much better than Twilight. Its well written, thought provocative, and the characters actually mature (while Bella remains a spoiled, whiny little brat even when she has a kid…) as they grow older. Harry Potter isn't as clichéd and Twilight either. JK actually came up with a wonderful and original plot; while Meyer's had to resort to stealing a roommate's idea and saying she dreamt it in a ‘get rich quick' plan. You can tell that Rowling (pronounced like bowling, only with an R instead of a B) actually thought out her books, because it took her a good 11-13 years to write seven books, while Meyer's finished 4 books in around 1-3 years, so for Meyer's to write 7 books in a series, it would take about 5-7 years. Rowling also learns the definitions of words before she uses them in books (see the opening paragraph, it explains Meyer's misuse of words), and doesn't cry in a corner while cutting herself when the first few hundred pages of her books get on the internet. There were also parties when a Harry Potter book came out, while there was only a party for Twilight when the movie came out.

Twitards may lie (I saw one saw on the internet, “In a small town called Eastman, Twilight sold 300 copies in liek 4 hours! That's leik, a new record!!”, while Harry Potter books sold around 1000 copies in around 1 hour (in a small city), and those misspellings are intentional. There is also an ongoing argument over which series is better, Harry Potter or Twilight, and the Twitards resort to hurling insults and questioning the sanity of the people not in their clan, while the HP fans are using reason to prove that HP is better.

I will now post a link to that page:, however that page is blocked on this school computer, so just scroll down and look for the ad saying “Twilight vs. Harry Potter”

This has been my review on the devil spawn called Twilight.

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This article has 11 comments.

am_lemons said...
on Oct. 28 2010 at 2:32 am

I have nothing to say, other than that this is your opinion. But, I will say that you spelled Meyer wrong. If you want to hate it, then that's your thing. But you should know that Stephen King writes for ADULTS. Stephenie Meyer writes for Young Adults, and generally the Young Adult genre is intended for Young Women.

Secondly, Stephenie Meyer is a talented author, as well as Stephen King. So please, you may criticise the book -- but do not criticise the author.

oddpen SILVER said...
on Jul. 29 2009 at 6:16 pm
oddpen SILVER, Shapleigh, Maine
8 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
You have to make the descending notes sound more like psychotic laughter!

~Dr. Keller~

Before u start critisizing my review like u have others, I would like u to understand some stuff. I am an immense harry potter fan, and did not really like Twilight (I'm not exactly into romance, more into death, gore, and body parts falling off), but to someone who likes romance novels of this sort, it would be an excellent series. No, the writing is not exceptional, but the characters are amazingly well developed, and u become attached to them.


p.s. brittish spelling. don't knock it until u try it.

on Jul. 10 2009 at 1:54 pm
TheHandThatWieldsThePen SILVER, Shapleigh, Maine
5 articles 0 photos 74 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Let's waste time
chasing cars
around our heads."
--Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

"I do believe it's true
there are roads left in both of our shoes
if the silence take you then I hope it takes me too."
--Soul Meets Body by Death Cab For Cutie

Firstly, DID YOU EVEN READ THE BOOK. You spelled Meyer wrong every time.

Secondly, there love IS forbidden. By edward himself. In his mind, he thinks he will hurt bella by staying with her, he thinks he's a danger to her. He eventually

gives in to temptation, yes, but if you've read New Moon, you'd know that he still feels that way.

Thirdly, you really need to get your facts straight.

SO many things you posted in this article were entirely false. In my opinion, you should actually READ the books before you write a review.

Fourthly, I'd like to say, and plenty of people would agree with me on this, they totally messed up the casting of the twilight movie. I don't like Robert Pattinson or Kristen Stewart, they were all wrong for the role. They don't even LOOK the way their characters were described in the books.

Fifthly, I am both a Twilight fan AND a Harry Potter fan.

And lastly, criticizing people's spelling, and capitalization, and punctuation is really hypocritical when you can't even spell the author's last name.

LenoraBlanc said...
on Jun. 19 2009 at 5:27 pm
Before I start I would like to point out that I am a fan of both Harry Potter and Twilight, and am not obsessive over Rob Pattinson, so I would appreciate it if no one calls me a 'Twitard'. Issue #1 with this article: You did not bother to check your facts. If you want people to take you seriously, you want to have your info be corret. Examples: Bella had Reneesme after she graduated, and there WAS a party for the fourth book in the Twilight series, not just the movie. Also, the whole thing with the roommate and English teacher was proved entirely false. The roommated never even existed. Issue #2: You said in your article

'...Twitards resort to hurling insults and questioning the sanity of those not of their clan...' while you titled your second paragraph 'Why Twilight fans (Twitards) are insane'. Contradictory much? You're not going to get very far by insulting people. It just makes them angry and not willing listen. You are entitled to your opinion, but so are other people, and you seem to fail to remember this.

<3Kitty said...
on Jun. 5 2009 at 9:00 pm
<3Kitty, Ponchatoula, Louisiana
0 articles 0 photos 10 comments
Inorder to have gotten all the informaton that youy have on the books, you would have had spend a lot of time reading then but you missed one thing and got it wrong in your review- Bella had already graduated when she married and was 18 because Reneesme(which is not a stupid name) was born only a few days before Bella turned 19. BUT as much as I love Twilight, I love Harry Potter and most of Stephen King's books. I just dont agree with all your trash talk about Twilight... AND I HATE ROBERT PATTINISON!!!

tim beck said...
on May. 12 2009 at 3:48 pm
tim beck, Webster, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 20 comments
Hey guys!thanks for the positive reviews! also, Twilightlover#1,please don't contradict other peoples opinion. And please do not abuse caps lock. its in a corner cutting itself now. Btw Twilight Lover 101, learn to spell and use punctuation.

on May. 10 2009 at 9:09 pm
Twilight todaly rocks i compare everything to it (I LOVE U TWILIGHT BOYS)

jack said...
on May. 8 2009 at 1:34 pm
I thought this was a very good review and it read my mind exactly cause twilight does SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

on May. 8 2009 at 1:31 pm
i agree with this. i hate twolight. i dont see why people take the time to read it.!!!!!!!!

bitter said...
on May. 7 2009 at 11:14 pm
i liked and hated this book it was way wierd to feel yhat way about a book

on May. 7 2009 at 1:06 am
TWILIGHT ROCKS! Harry potter is HORRIBLE compared to TWILIGHT!