Slipping Through My Fingers MAG

January 8, 2013
By ivyleaguegirl1 BRONZE, Ponte Vedra, Florida
ivyleaguegirl1 BRONZE, Ponte Vedra, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
No pen, no ink, no table, no room, no quiet, no inclination.

It struck me today that I, like everyone else, am getting older.

I don't fear aging; it's natural, unstoppable, and beautiful. To agonize over the inevitable silver hair and crow's feet is a waste of time. Truly, that is not what troubles me the most.

I fret at how time will slip through my clutching fingers like sand in a sieve, relentlessly disappearing. You may laugh at my petty concerns – at fourteen, I have all the time in the world – and I admit, it is bizarre. Why am I so concerned at the prospect of seemingly infinite time?

But even at my age, I've realized that the circumstances regarding my future have changed. When I was ten, I'd think about it, but for all my contemplation, no one took me seriously. “Don't worry,” adults said, confident smiles on their faces. “you have time to think about it.”

But in the span of four short years, everything has changed. Now that I'm in high school, every poor grade is a wincing slap against my future – a college deterred, a reflection of myself. And I cringe, waiting for the day when someone – a guidance counselor, a teacher, a parent – asks me sincerely, “What are you going to do with your life?”

I'm not stupid. I've given the topic some thought, though casually. But the idea of committing to one profession, one location, and one lifestyle until I die makes me break out in a cold sweat. I still want to be everything – except I know I literally can't.

For all that prattle of my ability to pursue anything, I really can't. I'm too old to be a prodigy, to become an Olympian; heck, I missed out on the opportunity to play volleyball for my school team. And while, no, I don't really like volleyball, care about winning a gold medal, or want to be a prodigy, it's still a kick in the gut when I see kids barely older than me breaking records, and realize that I'll never do that.

All around me, doors are slamming shut, but wasn't I taught that this was the age when they'd all be wide open? Really, this is what I'm afraid of: I fear that one day, maybe 30 years from now, I will look back on this moment, as I currently look at the endless stream behind me, and ask “Why?” Why couldn't I have risked it all and picked another door, another life, instead of keeping my hand so firmly clasped on the one I was holding?

No one I know would understand if I expressed this fear – a slow-burning, yet all-consuming doubt. I don't quite understand it either. But I know enough to grasp that, despite my plans and intentions, I am utterly lost.

The author's comments:
I felt disillusioned, and confused, and I wanted to know if I wasn't the only one.

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This article has 5 comments.

on May. 4 2015 at 1:01 pm
LittleRedDeliriousPrince SILVER, Parma Heights, Ohio
7 articles 0 photos 104 comments
Are you sure you're not my twin? I feel like I tell my father this all the time. I want to do more than one thing, have more than one profession, and live an exciting life. Even just a short year ago, when I was thirteen, everything felt tangible. But now, only a year later, with college and jobs and bills looming a year closer to me, it seems that I won't get to do everything I wanted, which is a shame. I was really looking forward to telling children or grandchildren or nieces or just kids down the street tales of my adventures and telling them that they should try to do the same.

on Feb. 3 2015 at 11:00 am
vamika_s PLATINUM, Gaborone, Other
39 articles 0 photos 30 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Colour my life with the chaos of trouble"

You're so young and you're such a good writer! Please celebrate that :) And maybe you might want to think about a career in writing/ clearly have a knack for conveying your thoughts and feelings beautifully in words.

rheame said...
on Feb. 11 2014 at 6:34 am
rheame, Anand, Other
0 articles 0 photos 64 comments

Favorite Quote:
turn a mess into a lesson

a test into testimony

a trial into triumph
and a victim into champion

dont worry. you are not the only  one having the anxiety.there are many around.including me. and i m pretty optimistic , mind you.dont worry because eveything will be fine in the end. if it isn't then its simply not the end!!!!!

on May. 8 2013 at 12:52 am
HaileySanden PLATINUM, Folsom, California
25 articles 0 photos 39 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing."
-Benjamin Franklin

This is excellent! I relate competely. The "what are you going to do with your life?" question has always been a trigger for me. Honestly, it feels like I've been in a state of stress since I was 13.   I think what’s at the root of all of this anxiety is an enormous lack of control. A lack of control over our own emotions, our own bodies——sometimes even over our own thoughts and reactions. This lack of control is only supplemented by the strict schedule of student life. 8AM-3PM, Monday through Friday, we are slaves to the bell. Our closest friends are often determined by the alphabetical order of our last names or the people we sit next to in class. We fill all our free time with homework, studying, clubs, community service, and sports, because to get into a good college, you basically have to build a business empire and eradicate a deadly illness by the age of seventeen. We are convinced that we have to shape ourselves into something——and we don’t even know what the heck that something is! Us teens aredrowning in a world of expectations. And the idea of not filling them is terrifying to us.   But, hey--you can check getting published off your to-do list :) Great job! You're a talented writer.

laila_265 GOLD said...
on May. 4 2013 at 12:47 pm
laila_265 GOLD, Houston, Texas
12 articles 0 photos 34 comments
You expressed exactly what keeps me up at night, anxiously--"how time will slip through my clutching fingers like sand in a sieve, relentlessly disappearing"--and how we aren't supposed to feel that because we're young, but it doesn't change the fact that we still do feel that way. You're definitely not the only one. Thanks for sharing

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