Relationships As A Sexual Assault Survivor

December 10, 2018
By Anonymous

When I was eleven years old, I was sexually assaulted by "Guy". This experience had traumatized me so much that I went years without talking about what happened that day on the playground. I just wanted to deny that it happened. I wanted to deny what he did to me. Unfortunately, I realized by doing this, I was hurting myself. I was attempting to suppress a memory that I found to traumatizing to talk about or even to visualize. It was much too difficult to suppress this memory and I suffered the angst of not being able to talk about it. 

A few months ago, I was walking back home from school when I saw "Guy" driving his car toward me. As he reached out his hand and greeted me in a friendly voice, I pushed his hand back and dashed towards my house. As soon as I got home, I  threw my backpack on the floor and screamed in panic. The flashbacks of my sexual assault experience came to me in like little film strips and I beat my hands over my head, hoping to make it stop. I realized then that I had to speak about my experience. It was better to get the pain out of my system rather than keep it all inside. From that day on, I openly spoke out that experience by first telling my mother, then my friends at school.

Reflecting upon my sexual assault experience, I also discovered why my relationships never lasted. The boy who was dating me would like me for my attractiveness and bubbly personality. However, when it came to sex or sharing my naked body with him, I would freak out and tell him to stop. Due to this, a lot of the guys I previously dated were not okay with this, and thus, broke up with me. The other half just cheated on me. 

What I wish these guys understood, however, is that my reluctance to have sex had nothing to do with them. What I experienced as an 11-year-old with "Guy" gave me a negative outlook on sex. At this moment,  it's unbearable for me to imagine another guy on top of me because it brings back literal flashbacks of my own sexual assault experience. However, my reluctance to have sex does not stop me from loving that person. In fact, I love that person just as equally as I would with the sexual activity. 

There will be a time that I will be able to fully move past my sexual assault experience. I dream of starting a beautiful and happy family on my own. I love children and I hope to have some of my own someday. One day, I will be ready to have sex. What I need is just time to recover from what happened to me as an 11-year-old. It's all part of a healing process, but I will be okay, trust me. 

For those who have dealt with sexual assault at some point in their lives and find themselves trapped in relationship conflicts, you are not alone.  It is okay if you are still dealing with the trauma of it. Please don't worry. You do not have to feel ready. If your spouse or boyfriend cannot wait, then I would question whether he is the right guy for you. Boundaries are important in a relationship and only a  true life partner would understand that. Sex can wait. An individual should never feel pressured to have sex if he or she doesn't want to or doesn't feel ready. The boys who I have dated in the past said that being sexually assaulted was no reason to say "no" to sex, but it is. It is a reason. It's my body, my rights. When I feel ready to have sex, I will be ok. 


The author's comments:

I am a victim of sexual assault and I wanted to share my experiences of dealing with relationships after my experience. 


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This article has 1 comment.


Thomas20 said...
on Dec. 17 2018 at 11:28 am
Thomas20, Charlestown, Indiana
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
hearts are not a toy... You should not treat a heart like a toy... So don't fall for their tricks girls...

I have had that happen to me... thanks for your advice


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