Quest to Slay Lord Gayben | Teen Ink

Quest to Slay Lord Gayben

May 2, 2017
By Anonymous

Author's note:

I thought I would make a humorous adventure story

The Quest to Slay Lord Gaben
Paul's Journey to Friendship
(Our play on Fantasy. None of this is historically correct. Yes he is eating nachos in the year 1738. Deal with it.)
(Itś not quite finished but Iḿ still writing it)

I walk back from the kitchen, nachos in hand. I plop down in my creaky wooden chair and set the bowl on my bloated belly. I shove my beard out of my face and throw the tail on the floor. I sigh and take a look around the small wooden living room I now sit in. Green vines stretch across all four walls.  Few pictures of my elder wizards framed and hung.
¨Entertainicus robotics¨ I chant as I flick my wand. A rabbit in a cage appears on the moss covered rock sitting in front of me. I sit back and watch it run around the wooden shavings lining the inside of his steel home. I dip my hands into the cheese drenched corn chips as if my fingers were spoons. I shovel the food in my face. I spend most of my days like this. It explains my gut. Lounging around and using my powers to give me luxuries long ahead of our time. Like TV, nachos, a lazy boy. I can't have those in my house though. People are always barging in and no one can know that I have such power. If they did they´d ask me to do stuff for them like helping them move furniture or drive them back from the train station.

I live alone, always have been alone. People say that every time they begin to enjoy my company I get too crazy and they freak out. Itś not my fault that nobody can roll with me. Theyŕe just a bunch of party poopers who don't even know the definition of fun.  I´m a lone wolf. Thatś alright though. I have my food and entertainment. I lay my head on the cowskin pillow resting on my chair. I drift off into a cheesy slumber. Dreaming of burritos and pizza.

  The door swings open and I jerk awake and immediately throw the bowl of nachos behind the chair and zap the steel cage away. David barges in, covered in mud and feathers. Heś holding a chicken in his hand and there´s an egg on his head.
¨Paul! We need your help! The chickens have gotten loose in the town! Help us get them back to the farm!¨ He frantically screams.
¨Dude. Seriously? I´m right here. No need to shout like that.¨ I reply
He stares at me with an annoyed look and shakes his head
¨Just come on!” He grabs my beard and drags me out of the house. I stand up as my face rams into a pile of chicken poo
¨EW!¨ I wail ¨This is nasty! How did the chickens even get out of their fences?!¨
¨Lord Gaben went down for a snack and left the gate open!¨
¨He is such an annoying, greedy, rotten, repulsive, dis-¨
¨Yes, yes we all know how much you hate Lord Gaben but we have some more pressing matters to attend to!¨ He says while nodding towards the utter chaos of chicken feathers and screaming children we call a town.
¨Fine, but you owe me one.¨ I huff and cast a freeze spell, all the screams and screeches of chicken are silenced and leaves us in total silence. 
¨Nice.” he utters as he runs back into my house.
¨What are you doing? You idiot. The chickens are out HERE.¨
He runs back out with my bag of potatoes.
¨Wha?¨ I stutter
He dumps out the potatoes at my feet
¨AW COME ON.¨ I whine ¨Why do you have to do that to my poor potatoes?!¨
He rolls his eyes at me and continues to run around, shoving the feathered birds into the burlap sack.
¨You know what I ought to do? I´m gonna go up to Murder town and give that ¨Lord¨ Gaben of yours a piece of my mind!¨  I say as I trail behind David. He stops and slowly turns around with an annoyed look on his face
¨You say that everytime he does something you don´t like.¨ He murmurs ¨So like… everyday.¨
¨Exactly! This time I´ll actually do it!¨ David rolls his eyes again
¨You´re the town's oldest man. I don't think you can make it out to your mailbox, let alone up the mountains.¨
¨Well...¨ I think. ¨AHA! You can take me!¨
David's eyes go wide and he immediately starts to shake his head
¨NO WAY!¨ He scoffs ¨No way in a million years will I ever even think about doing that!!¨
A smile creeps onto my face
¨Taylor would surely be impressed! She would be so impressed that you stopped the mighty Gayben that she would have no other CHOICE but to want you!¨
The second I say her name he looks away, his face beginning to resemble an apple.
¨No. Taylor would never even look twice at me.¨
David´s tall, he has broad shoulders and hair like poodle dog, curly and wild. He has a well defined face. He is quite dapper. He just doesn't have much confidence, that´s where he lacks.
¨Imagine, David! Your name on all the scrolls ¨Young man from Wango Tango defeats the wretched, disgusting, nasty, gross, ignorant, vai-¨
¨I get it!”
¨Ok, ok but just imagine! Everyone would love us! Not only that but Lord Gayben would no longer have rule and we wouldn't have to live in constant fear of being overthrown!¨
He stares at the baker whoś still frozen halfway falling. Heś thinking about it… contemplating.
¨… OK. Fine, fine.¨ he mumbles
¨YES! WOOOH!¨ I pump my fist in the air and jump around. I fall and lay there for a bit, after all. I am 123 years old.


I pack up my best cheeses and pepperoni. We must stay fueled if weŕe gonna defeat stupid Gayben. I stuff a blanket, water, food and my wand in my burlap sack. (No not the one with chickens in it) I shuffle out of my house with my brown robe and my matching hat. and make my way over to David´s shack. I walk in and he´s still getting ready.
¨What are you bringing with you?¨ he questions. I open up my bag and dump it out on his bed.
¨Thatś it?¨ He shrugs and continues to shove various items into his already overflowing bag.
¨Are you sure you want to bring all that stuff?¨ I ask
¨I don't know what I'm gonna need.¨ He replies while still packing things in.
¨Okay. I think I'm done.¨ He steps back and looks in awe at the monumental backpack sitting in front of us.
¨Let´s do this.¨ We say in unison. *high five!*

We tread along the long dirt path worn down from traders and knights coming to and from our town. Wango Tango isn't as violent as Murder City, never has been. We usually just farm and trade. Nothing special. In fact, I´m pretty sure we're the most peaceful town out of all that is ruled by Gayben. Ugh. I hate that guy with a burning passion. Just the thought of him makes me not want my wheel of cheese. Mmmm. I almost forgot that I had my cheddar in my bag.  I reach into grab it but no cigar.
¨David! Where´s my cheese!¨ I say in distress
¨I don't friggin know. Where'd ya put it ya old coot?¨ He scoffs
¨Daviiiid! I had it in my ba-¨ I cut myself off and realized I must have left it at David's place when I dumped out my stuff.
¨AUGHHHH.¨ I wail ¨Itś at your house!!! We have to go back!¨
¨No WAY.¨ David shakes his head
I plead with him for what seems to be hours, that's when we stumble upon another town.
¨I didn't know that the other towns were this close to us.¨ David says with a concerned look on his face
¨HEY YOU! DO YOU GOT ANY CHEESE?!¨ I begin to scream at some sad looking guy on the other side of the fence.
He looks up at me but pretends to not see me.  I hop the fence and dash towards him as fast as my broken hip will go. He keeps walking with his head hung. I resemble a gorilla, the way I run. I have to separate my legs because there’s wet grass all over the place. I jump and tackle him like a cheetah would a gazelle.
The young teen boy looks scared to death as if his life has just flashed before his eyes.
“N-No… No I d-don’t. This is a poor town.” He stutters
“What town is this” I say breathlessly
“Murder Town…?” He responds
“This is Murder Town?” I say in disbelief as I look around to the surprisingly quiet market.
“No way this is Murder Town. Murder Town has streets full of blood and dead bodies.”
“This is it. The dead bodies just start showing up after dark...¨ He says while scanning the area around us

I stand up and pull the boy up with me, dusting myself off. I take a real look around and I see the child in the doorway of a battered house, holding a single slice of bread and sharing it with a sibling. I eyes dart to the other side of the town square to a man beating a woman with a shoe. I look back over to the boy who seems sad again.
¨Is everyone here like you?¨
He looks up at me with a confused look in his eyes
¨Like me…?¨
¨Yeah. You're depressed. Is everyone else?¨
He seems kind of angry and shakes his head to dust the thought of that out of his head
¨What? W-where are you from anyway?!¨ He says with a sting of pain coming through his words
¨I’m Paul. I´m from Wango Tango.¨ I reply
¨Pft. Why am I not surprised.¨ He scoffs
¨What do you mean by that?¨
¨Everyone there is a  pansy. Nobody can take a joke, let alone a murder in your precious safe haven of chickens and hay.¨
I knock his head with my cane.
¨How dare you? For your information I am here with a colleague of mine to slay the ¨Lord¨ Gayben!!¨
¨An old man and who? Some little wimpy sap out here to impress a girl?¨ He rolls his eyes
¨I´ll have you know...¨ David's voice booms from behind the boy, he flinches and turns around ¨That not all people in Wango Tango are ¨Pansies¨ in fact why don´t take me on right now? Huh?¨
¨Heh.. Um. I didn't mean it, I swear!¨
¨What are you good at? What can you do to help us?¨
¨I can run fast and I know how to hunt?¨
¨Good. You're coming with us.¨ David says while dropping him by his collar.
¨W-What?! I can´t go with you! I could never help with the Gayben thing!¨ He says frantically
¨Unless you want to be pummeled to a pulp I´d consider going.¨ I say while poking his butt with my stick to get him to move. He turns to me and smacks my cane, he looks back over to David who towers over him. He shrinks back and nods his head
“Fine. I’ll join you on your thingy majig.”
“Great! Let’s go do this!” David says with a weird sense of enthusiasm
We’re about when all of a sudden a crowd begins to grow in the the town square, we decide to check it out. A small man in very tight pants is standing on a wooden crate with a scroll in his hands. He clears his throat...
“Here ye, Here ye. The great and humble Lord Gayben has decided to give four lucky townspeople a chance to meet him… But upon the greeting you must supply him with a bountiful feast which he may indulge in. The four will get the chance to stay one night in the castle with our gracious Lord.¨  The small man booms with great volume and authority. David runs to the front of the line and puts our names into the drawing of the glass bowl the guard has placed on the floor. He cheats it and throws in at least 20 of our slips into it.
“The winners of the draw will be announced in 5 minutes!” The man yells from behind the crowd
“Do you think we’ll be picked?” I ask as David escapes from the screaming townspeople that are now overflowing the square
“I don’t know… There were a lot of different slips and I only added like 30 into it”
I sigh and wait patiently as the crowd thins out and only leaves a few hopeful stragglers. The short man gets back up on the crate, bowl in hand. He stirs the strips of paper around and around and brings out one
“Nicolas Cage… huh… what a peculiar name.”  he brings out three other slips “ David Beckham, Paul Mccartney, and Charles Schwab please start gathering food and meet me at the gate of the castle up that hill to get things in order.”
We drop our jaws and a slim crack of a smile creeps across my face.
“Lets go get some fruit.” I say with the taste of victory practically in my mouth


We all have sacks full of a variety veggies and fruits, some hold spectacular cuts of meat in them.  We shuffle our feet while making the hike up the hill. Now that Nicolas fellow is very strange, he has beady eyes and a disturbing smile and I think he has a cat in his bag. I try to ignore him as I pull David and Charles back around a tree behind the group.
“Ok I have a plan. Their plan is to have us dump all our food onto a table. I will enhance all of our fruit to make Gayben explode when he swallows. I saw that that “Nicolas” character has a lot of apples, he also seems to be mentally unstable so it won’t be hard to put him to blame.” I say as I pull out my wand to cast the spell
“Good idea, easy, quick, and we won’t be caught.” David agrees
“Kapernicus lomminus”  I chant while waving my wand over the sack “OK let’s try it out.” I cut a slice of apple and call out a rabbit.  I lay the apple peice on the floor and let the rabbit nibble it.
“Get behind the tree, if it works you won’t want to get the splatter.” The rabbit is mush when we turn around
“EW” we all scream in unison
¨OK, OK. It works, letś go catch up with the group before the suspect anything.

We walk into the vast front room where Gayben sits on his towering throne. The second I see him I get the urge to strangle him. Nicolas, however is looking up at him in awe. The guy is heavily decorated with gold plates and purple velvet. A long silk cape drapes around his shoulders and he has badges sprinkled across his chest. His merciless eyes stare down at us in disgust.'

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