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What I Always Wanted, But Could Never Really Have
Author's note: Personal expirience, Pain that wont ever heal. I hope this is something other people can relate to, at least in some ways. More chapters to come, let me know what you think!
Empty. That’s the only way to describe the feeling you get when someone you barely got a taste of in the first place, decides they don’t even want to give you a chance. And the worst part is, you can’t, won’t, just dismiss the feelings that you know are probably just nonsense. You sit and wonder what’s wrong with you, what the problem could be. How someone that you barely know but care so much about, could pick you up and drop you like a rock. Just another quick intake of oxygen, that he inhaled, then set free. He thinks nothing of it, but it sets your whole world off balance.
It was a Saturday, and everything was normal. Kids were screaming, the breeze was tickling the trees, and I had just gotten out of bed. My two best friends were still sprawled across the living room floor, sleeping off the late night we had. I rolled over and rubbed the sleep off of my face, and decided to get an early start. I got up and crept across the room trying not to wake them. I worked my way through the house and up the stairs. I rummaged through the mountains of clothes in my room until I found an outfit that was sexy, but comfortable. I went down the hall into the bathroom, moving quickly and quietly, enjoying the still and silence that was foreign in my household. I adjusted the temperature of the water, warm and relaxing. I took my time, slowly working my way down, enjoying the time I had with my own thoughts. Once I was done in the shower, I crept slowly back to my room, cringing every time the floor let out the slightest form of protest. I took my time, setting my clothes perfectly where they need to be, taking extra time with my hair and make-up, making sure they were both perfect. I remember wondering why I was taking so much time preparing myself for the day. I had nothing special planned; it was supposed to be just a normal day, goofing off with the girls.
I took one glance into the mirror above my dresser, and then snuck back downstairs. I looked into the living room, one of my friends was gone, a note in her place. She had left to go home and get dressed and do chores. Thankfully, that was at least another hour I had all to myself. I grabbed my sneakers and quickly ran out onto my front porch swing, hoping not to disturb my other friend. After my shoes were tied, and snug on my feet, I grabbed my iPod and put the earphones tightly into my ears. The song that was playing was one that fit my mood perfectly. I bounced down the steps and just started walking. I love my friends, but I was definitely going to enjoy every moment I had with my own thoughts. It was a normal Saturday, until I turned the corner to walk down the street.
I was on the ground, hurrying to get up before anyone could notice. But what was waiting for me when I looked up was enough to stop anyone in their tracks. I gaped, and slumped back onto the ground. The warm, deep set of big brown eyes that were sweeping across my face and that dazzling smile made my head spin. He was offering me his hand, trying to help me up off the ground. I slowly moved to take his hand, wondering how hard I’d actually hit the ground. He was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. Tall, dark skinned, with short black hair. He was thin, but thick with muscle. He towered over me, looking at me in a way that told me I hadn’t just made the best first impression.
He asked me if I was okay, and went through all the usual polite, tedious, casual questions that someone who just knocked someone else to the ground would. But I wasn’t focusing on the words; I was focusing on his features. He seemed so familiar, but I couldn’t place his face. He kept talking and I kept absently answering his questions, trying my hardest to figure out why I had a bad feeling about this guy. Without even realizing it, the conversation ended and he was walking away. I lingered for a second, wanting to say so much more, but not being able to find the words. I watched as he walked away, and after I saw which house he went into, I realized exactly who I’d just run into.
Derrick was a boy that I’d had a huge crush on a couple of years ago, but that situation had ended badly. That was two years ago and we hadn’t talked since the day he crushed my spirit and left a black hole where my heart used to be. I remember the feeling like it was yesterday. Even though it was idiotic to have feelings that strong for someone who is three years older than you, with Derek, it didn’t matter. He’s sexy, athletic, and even though he hid it from most he definitely had a sweet side. We played football, basketball, and talked a lot, until he finally found out how I actually felt about him. After that, he didn’t say a word to me. This was our first encounter since then.
I thought I was over him, but as soon as I looked into those dark brown eyes just now, I felt the butterflies all over again. Sudden flashbacks of the sweet conversations and the good, and not so good, times we had flooded back into my head.
The thoughts swirled through my head, overwhelming me, taking me over. I put my headphones back in, and decided to finish enjoying my morning. Did he remember what happened between us so long ago? Was he even thinking about what just happened? Can he tell I still have feelings for him? I couldn’t stop all these questions and wonders from invading my mind. Getting caught up on Derek again is definitely not what I need right now. Especially if it’s going to end how it did last time.
Before I knew it, my cell was buzzing and my walk was over. I pushed thoughts of Derek into the back of my mind. I walked around the block, and came back to find the two of them standing at the top of my front porch steps. One asked me where I had been, but I didn’t bother answering, it didn’t really matter. I know best friends are supposed to tell each other everything, but was this really the type of thing they need to know? Sure, they would offer advice. And they would definitely bring up memories I didn’t feel like reliving right now, and just scold me for even giving what happened this morning a second thought. So I decided to keep it a secret.
The rest of that day, I could tell my friends knew something was up. But they never asked. That was the thing I loved most about my best friends, they knew when to give me my space. I was bothered with thoughts of Derek, quickly realizing that these feelings were not just going to pass. No matter what else I was thinking about, it was just a brief distraction, my mind always violently snapping right back to him. It was like a led mark on a clean white sheet of paper that never quite came totally clean, no matter how hard you tried to erase it. He was the dominating thought and he was quickly over running my head. Even though I knew it was a bad idea, I couldn’t help but play this morning’s accident over and over in my head, more than likely over analyzing it. I knew in the back of my mind that while I was walking around like a zombie, wondering if there was a deeper meaning behind what had happened this morning, he wasn’t even giving it a second thought.
Me and my girls were walking home from the park, them passing jokes back and forth, me trailing close behind tuned out of the conversation, and there he was. He quickly came around the same corner was had our collision at this morning, steering his bike out into the street. He peeled his beautiful brown eyes off of the pavement and looked up at me, a smile playing at his lips. I looked at his mouth being sure to avoid his eyes. I couldn’t help but smile. But he kept riding, going towards the park. Luckily my friends were still absorbed in their own chatter to notice what had happened, so I was safe for a while longer. The boy that has been invading my thoughts all day, was just here and gone again in a matter of seconds. I could tell by the quick smile he had flashed me that I was the only one that had been putting any serious thought into what happened that morning. I still couldn’t help but think that I was making mountains out of mole hills, seriously over analyzing the situation, diving in way to deep. After all, this was the boy that ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it, not all that long ago. I knew for a fact that even if he wasn’t thinking about earlier he remembered what happened between us before.
I was so lost in thought, I hadn’t even realized we were in my house, and I was supposed to be picking the movie we were going to watch. I mindlessly scrolled through the list of movies, deciding today was not the day for a romance movie. I picked the goriest movie I could, hoping that a serious slasher would take my mind off of the thoughts that were plaguing me. Even temporary relief was good enough for now.
The movie started playing, and I was instantly intrigued by the beginning. But I didn’t have time to become seriously involved in the movie because there was a knock at the door. My friends didn’t move, so I assumed they hadn’t heard it. I got up as quietly as I could, hurrying to answer the door before they knocked again and disturbed my friends. I peeked out if the curtains beside the door, and gasped when I saw who was on the other side.
Derek was standing there, at my house on my porch, waiting for me to come to my door. I quickly ran my hands over my hair, and made sure my clothes were in the proper position. I opened up the door and found myself face to face with him. He looked down at me, and I could feel the heat spread across my face. He asked me where my friends were, and I explained about the movie. Then he asked me what my plans were for the night. I quickly told him that both of my friends had plans with family for the weekend so I would be by myself. His eyes lit up, and he held back a smile. He nervously rubbed the back of his neck, and played with the lanyard his keys were hanging on. After a moment of silence he finally mustered up his courage and asked if I wanted to hang out later that night. I felt my jaw preparing to drop, but I quickly clamped it shut, trying to hide my over excitement. I told him yes, and he gave me a time and one of his blindingly gorgeous smiles, and I told him good bye and quietly returned to my movie.
One of my friends was chewing on a pillow, trying not to scream and flinch at the movie, the other was staring at me, her gaze asking me who I had been talking to for so long. I decided now was not the time to tell either of them about Derek, so I just shook my head. She nodded and returned her attention back to the movie. I tried to get back into the movie, but now my thoughts were swirling even more violently then before. I was excited, nervous, angry, and insanely happy all at once. I looked at the clock and figured I couldn’t have been outside for any more than 20 minutes. So the movie wasn’t even half over yet. I pretended to be interested in it, even though my mind was everywhere but there.
Before I knew it, the movie had ended and my friends were gone, and I found myself in the shower, trying to hurry and get ready for Derek. He had said that we would meet at 8 in the park, and it was seven thirty. I was not about to be late. So I finished scrubbing myself clean, going through the motions of making sure everything was in perfect order again. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed the towel. I hurriedly dried off, and through on a thin cotton summer dress. I straightened my hair, and made sure my make-up matched my outfit perfectly. I tried to make sure I looked like I wasn’t trying too hard.
That’s one of the biggest downsides when it comes to trying to get involved with an older boy, like Derek. Even the smallest mistake could set me back to square one. And acting even the slightest bit immature was definitely not an option.
But no matter how excited I was about meeting Derek at eight, in the back of my mind I couldn’t fight back the doubts I had. What made this time different? Yes, when we talked 2 years ago we hung out and everything, but usually one of us was already outside and in the middle of something. This time, Derek had actually walked up to my house, and asked me to meet him at the park tonight. I fought those thoughts into the depths of my mind. There was no need to damper my mood now; those fears could wait until later.
I took a final glance into the mirror and slipped on my shoes. It was seven forty-five and it would only take me five minutes to walk to the park, but I felt like I needed to get there early. I walked down the steps as quietly as I did this morning, making sure no-one heard me. I went out onto the porch, and there was a difference in the air. It was more crisp then it had been earlier, but it was also cooler. I stepped back into the house and grabbed my sweater and started to make my way towards the park.
I got there early, just like I thought I would. The walk down to the park was an eerie one since I didn’t have my iPod. Once I was in the park, the silence burned in my ears, and the darkness close in on me slowly suffocating my senses.
But my fears were quickly put to rest, when I looked down to the basketball court and there he was. Derek must have had the same idea I had, he was there early too. I adjusted my sweater, smoothed my hair, and made my way down onto the basketball court. I walked slowly, carefully, watching the graceful way he glided across the court. Each step he took was overflowing with confidence, and each shot he took was carefully calculated. I could tell by the way his eyes were squinted and his features were all tight, that he was lost in concentrated.
Since he was so concentrated, he didn’t notice me until I was right behind him. He fixed his shirt and flashed me one of his award winning smiles. I flashed him one, making sure I didn’t look over excited, but also like me was glad to be there. I couldn’t think of any place I would rather be, and I wanted to make sure he knew it.
He rolled his ball to the edge of the court, and walked over to me. There was a smirk playing at his lips, threating to engulf his whole face. I was glad he was as happy to be here as I was. He looked down at me, and I could tell his gears were grinding, trying to find the perfect thing to say. But I didn’t think he needed to say anything, the moment was as perfect as it could get. My face was hot, and my whole body was humming with excitement and anticipation. Finally he stated the obvious, and said I was here early. I smiled up at him and told him he was too, and he couldn’t help but laugh. The ice was finally broken. We went over and sat on one of the benches the lined the sidewalk around the basketball court.
And that’s when the amazing conversation started. We talked about everything. What the two of us had been doing over the last two years, which football teams we were routing for, which basketball shots we were the best at, and everything in between. We were always giggling, and we totally understood each others sense of humor. Even though we just started talking again, I felt like me and Derek couldn’t have been any closer emotionally. It felt like we were never apart and everything was okay, like he never found out about the way I truly felt about him.
I let him blab on and on and on. For me, words weren’t needed. I would’ve been perfectly fine just sitting on the bunch, looking up at the stars. The talking was just another tedious formality we had to honor. I loved watching the way his lips moved once he really got into what he was saying. His lips tightened on curtained syllables and were loose on others. He didn’t talk with his hands, and he was the type of person that didn’t like to make eye contact while he was talking. When it was my turn to talk, I made sure my answers where enough to tell him I was interested, but I made sure they weren’t to in depth. I didn’t like the idea of hiding myself from Derek, but I just couldn’t get past the bad feeling I still had about him.
We talked and talked and talked, for what seemed like hours. We laughed when something was funny, but there was also more serious parts of our conversation too. We talked about family and relationships, and I could tell that they weren’t easy topics for either of for us to discuss. When we were talking about the relationships, it really got awkward, but I tried to avoid talking about anything that had to do with him.
After we were done talking, he walked over and grabbed his ball, and the time I was dreading all along finally came. It was time for me to go home. We walked really slowly and took our time, stretching out the walk as long as we could. I could tell he wanted to say something else, but I guess he just wasn’t ready to say it yet. So the walk home was mostly in silence, but it wasn’t an awkward silence at all. Once we got home, I walked to the top of the steps and turned around. I looked straight into those deep brown eyes, and I melted. I told him that I had a great time, and that I hoped that we could do it again sometime. He said he felt the same way, and then slowly made his way over to me. He leaned up, and softly kissed my cheek, and said goodnight.
I was on a natural high, flying around the house, singing and dancing and way to hyper and happy to sleep. We met at 8, and it was almost 10 o’clock now. Everything we said to each other replayed in my mind, and I couldn’t have imagined it any better. I was way to hyped up to sleep, and everyone else was in bed.
But for a second, I calmed down and thought about telling my friends. I knew I should tell them what was going on with Derek. It would be wrong not to. There my best friends! If I can’t tell them, who else can I tell? But then again, I had a gut feeling that I should keep it to myself just a while longer. I know that they’ll only try to talk me out of it, try to talk some sense into me. And no matter what argument I presented or what my reasoning was, they would just try there hardest to break me down.
Derek makes me so happy though! Which is why I decided to keep it a secret. Even though I know that things with Derek might end exactly the same this time as they did last time, I don’t care. I’ve always wondered what would’ve, could’ve, happened between us, and now I have the chance to find out.
So I kept dancing and singing and laughing, pushing all my doubts to the back of my mind and plunging head first into what could be a huge mistake, but not caring for the first time in my life what the future brought.
I woke up the next afternoon, around one, to the buzz of my phone that had found its way underneath my pillow. I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes, still not fully ready to get out of bed. But then I thought about who could’ve texted me, and I was up and digging for my phone in the next second.
But it wasn’t a text message from the person I had wanted it to be from. It was my best friend. She wanted to hang out today, and go to the mall or something and then go back to her house. I considered it for a second, but then I decided against it. What if Derek wanted to see me tonight? If he did come over, I wouldn’t be home. And I didn’t want her to be here because then my sweet secret would be revealed. So I texted her back briefly and told her I wasn’t feeling well and that I was planning on staying in the house today. I didn’t like lying to the two people that had been with me through everything, but this was important to me. I considered it a one time thing.
So after she messaged me back and told me she understood, I went to the bathroom and took a shower. I went back to my room and put on my favorite pair of sweats and a sweater, then went downstairs. I wasn’t hungry, so I avoided the kitchen and went into the living room. There was a note on the TV,
Your Dad, Your Brother and I Went Out For Lunch, and since you were snoring so loud we decided just to let you sleep! We might go to Grandmas afterwards, but we’ll be home by 11 at the latest.
It was two o’clock now, so that meant I had the house to myself for the rest of the day. I shrugged, and put the note and my pocket and flopped down on the couch. I flipped through the channels and found a movie to watch.
About five minutes later, my phone buzzed in my pocket and startled me. I fumbled for it in my pocket and finally pulled it out and flipped it open.
How that text message led me here, I have no idea. But now I’m walking down an alley behind my house, on my way to Derek’s house. It was almost 2:30, so it was still going to be a while before my family gets home. I had my hood up and my hair tucked in because the last thing I wanted was for one of my best friends to find out I had lied.
So I hustled down the alley, crossed a street, turned a couple corners and ended up on his front porch, debating on wether or not to go through with this or not. I’ve never been to Derek’s house and with the way things were going with us, I had no idea what his plans could be for today. In the back if my mind, I knew for a fact there was no way I wasn’t going into the house. I wasn’t about to give up the opportunity to really get inside Derek’s world. When would I ever get another chance like this?! The only question was, how long was it going to take me to go up and knock on the door?
But instead of standing there like an idiot arguing with myself, I pulled out and texted him and told him I was standing out front. He texted me back a smiley face, and seconds later he was standing in his front door; shirtless. It was all I could do not to drool down the front of myself. I kept my composer and stepped up onto the porch. He looked me up and down in my comfy pants, my roomy hoodie, and my pony tail. I was expecting a look of utter disgust, but instead a smile lit up his face. He walked over to me an took my hand and led me into the house. He pulled me close to him and put his cheek to my temple and whispered softly in my ear that his parents were gone for the weekend, and that he had the house to himself. I took a deep breath and felt my eyes widen. Now I understood exactly what he had panned, what his intentions had been the entire time. But I still had high hopes that I was wrong, so instead of following my initial reaction to slap him and walk out, I let him lead me to his room to see if there was any possibility that I was wrong.
His room was nothing that I expected. It was a soft blue colored room, with black curtains. And instead of clothes and shoes and sports equipment strewn all over the floor, it was spotless. There was a small book shelf between the twin windows, and a desk in the corner covered in miscellaneous papers and text books. And the thing that caught my attention next, was the bed. No teenager actually made his bed. But his bed was neat and proper, folded and tucked with no wrinkles at all. His TV sat lifeless on the entertainment center and his stereo was on, playing an old slow jam that I don’t think I’ve ever heard. Air was coming to me in small gasps now, and my heart was racing. What was I going to do?! Me and Derek aren’t even officially dating, and I’m not even ready to take a relationship this far yet. But then again, Derek is 18. If I don’t give him what he wants and I don’t react to the situation in a mature way, he’ll be gone for sure, and I’ll be right back at square one.
All these thoughts swirled around in my head, but I didn’t have time to think any further. Derek took me by the hand and sat me down on the bed. I looked up into his deep brown eyes, that were glowing. Next thing I know, he’s sitting on his bed next to me leaned back against the wall. He looked at me, and put on one of the smiles that made my heart melt. My heart was racing, and my mind was lost at sea.
His soft, smooth lips were touching mine within the next second. He was gentle at first and then the kisses began t get more forceful, more aggressive. But he didn’t rush me. He ease me into what we were doing, and even though a small voice in my head told me to put a stop to this, all the other voices said that this was right. This is what I wanted after all, right?
Next he pulled me to him, and I sat on his lap, never letting my lips leave his. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and leaned into him.
His hands slowly started moving up my back, and then back down and underneath my shirt. The next second, there were clothes hitting the floor, and my mind was blank.
When I woke up, it was dark in every part of the room, except for the dim glow of the street light coming through Derek’s window. I felt his slow, steady paced heart beat under my palm. I was sweating, and sore. I didn’t know what to feel first. The strongest feeling was shame. Derek’s 18, I’m 15, and we’re not even officially a couple and we never have been. I let my heart overpower my brain. But then there was the faint thought of how right this was. I loved this boy, and I’ve always wanted him to see me as his equal. I wanted to be his, and I wanted him to be mine. This sealed the deal.
I didn’t have the time to sift through all my mixed feelings yet, because Derek started to stir. He stretched, and I felt the way his body moved and then relaxed. He was awake, and he was trying to decide if I was awake yet or not. I heard a small chuckle escape his lips, but I didn’t move and pretended I was still sleeping. He tried to stealthily move out from beneath my arm. I slowly pulled my arm back and rolled over, trying to keep him thinking that I was still asleep. I heard him walk across the room, and he clicked on a small desk lamp. He started to pull on his clothes, and I noticed the glistening sweat within the contours of his body. His hair was scruffy, and I couldn’t remember whether it was from me running my hands through it, or whether he did it himself. After he pulled on his shorts, he walked out of the room. I listened to his footsteps fade away down the hall way.
After I couldn’t hear him anymore, I slowly got up from the bed, noticing how sore my back and thighs were. I moved across the room, gathering all my clothes and pulling them on one by one. I wasn’t ready to face Derek yet, so after I through my hair into a ponytail I just rested myself on the edge of his bed. I heard him trying to creep back up the stairs, thinking I was still asleep.
He came in, and his eyes looked me up and down. A smile slowly stretched across his face. I avoided eye contact. The awkward silence stretched on. Neither of us had any idea what to say. He sat down on the bed next to me and put his arm around me and pulled me close. He looked down at me, and finally my eyes met his. I searched his face for some hint of what he might be thinking or feeling, but he just looked happy and relaxed. Next, out of all the things he could’ve said, he asked me if I was hungry. I thought about for a second then a smile played at my lips, and I nodded. He took me by the hand and led me downstairs to his kitchen.
I watched him silently, as he dug through the cabinets and gathered what he needed. His eyes were squinted slightly, as he studied the list of ingredients that he needed. He’s so cute when he’s focused. The image of him standing over me with his whole body moving in unison, passed through my mind.
When I turned my attention back to Derek, he was putting pans of water on the stove top and started put things together in a bowl. I studied the way he moved, the way his muscles flexed when he did certain things, and the way his eyes and jaw always signaled when he was really focused and when he was more relaxed. I sat back and got more comfortable, deciding this wasn’t awkward at all. I started to wonder if he studied me this way. If he noticed the way I functioned, or the way my body signaled my moods. I doubted that.
The rest of the night was quiet, even through diner. He made spaghetti, which is my favorite but I don’t think he even knew that. Lucky guess, I guess. I told him that it tasted amazing. And it did! I never knew he could cook like that, so it was a surprise.
After dinner I helped him wash the dishes he had used. After everything was done, and it was time for me to go home, I walked upstairs and grabbed my phone. Then he walked me to the door and gave me a hug and a kiss on the forehead. He leaned down and whispered “I love you. Always have. And I always will.”
I love you. Always Have. Always Will. I Love You. Always Have. Always Will. I love you. Always Have. Always Will.
After I left, his words ran in circles around my head. And after all that happened tonight, I really truly wanted to believe them, to believe that they were true. And in any other situation I would’ve. But during diner, and after that good-bye, I realized just how much of a lie today had really been.
Even though Derek and I were having this fling, and we just had sex, we don’t know each other. The fact that he accidentally made my favorite food made that perfectly clear. And I realized how much we really don’t know about each other. Even stupid things, like our favorite colors, our favorite music, our favorite sports. Even our birthdays. And after that realization, came the next one.
I realized that I was just being used. Derek didn’t love me. He can’t love me. Not now. And if he always had loved me, why did it take him two years to sum up the space between us? None of it makes sense.
I love Derek, but is it true love? Or just a word, a feeling that I really want to have for someone, so desperately that I rushed into a fake relationship? It became clear just how stupid this how thing really is, and how stupid I was to think that this was anymore then a one-time booty call.
And then something inside me snapped. I felt empty all of a sudden, and that warm full feeling that I had inside my heart not even 20 minutes ago was gone. I couldn’t believe myself. This is why I worked so hard to disconnect myself from Derek in the first place. And I felt so stupid for just letting him right back in. And this time I let him go so far, that I couldn’t just make this go away.
I was just about to step into my house, when my phone buzzed. I wasn’t going to pull it out, until I realized it continued to vibrate. Someone was calling me. I really wasn’t in the mood, but what if it was my parents? So I pulled it out of my pocket and flipped it open.
It was Derek. He didn’t give me a chance to say anything, before he told me softly to come back to his house, just for a minute. Then he hung up, like he knew that there was no way I wasn’t going to go back.
I half ran half walked, anxious yet disappointed that he called me back. I really just wanted to put this night behind me. But once I was only a few feet away from his front steps, when I saw his front door open, and he came running as fast as he could toward me. He hopped down his steps and ran down the sidewalk from his steps and in a second his arms were wrapped around me, enveloping me in the warmth of his chest. Even though I should’ve been the happiest girl in the world, my heart shattered. What is he doing? Why did he call me back here? Could he tell I wasn’t happy? I tried to ignore all the thoughts I was drowning in, and enjoy this moment while I could. I pulled back, just a tiny bit and looked up into his eyes. I said, “Derek, I….” but he put his finger to my lips. What happened next shocked me, and I had no idea what I was suppose to say. He said,
“Calli, I love you. So much. And I know we rushed into things tonight and that’s not how I wanted it to happen at all. These past two years, you were in my head the entire time. I didn’t see any one else. I didn’t see any girls but you. No one makes me feel the way you do, and I don’t think any one will ever be able to take your place. So please don’t be upset. I just wanted you to understand that this is not just some fling. I did what I did, to try to make it clear just how much I love you.”
It took my breath away. I had no idea what to think, what to say. I held my breath. I didn’t want anything to end this moment. I wanted to stay here, wrapped in his arms, and never move. I wanted to put tonight behind us, and just forget the two years we spent apart. None of that mattered. The doubts that I had, not even ten minutes ago, seemed like such nonsense now.
I looked deep into his eyes. Tears were flowing down his cheeks, and he was waiting in me to say something. I felt my eyes swell up. I told him I didn’t know what to say. I stood up on my tip-toes, and kissed him. He put his hand on the back of my neck and kissed me harder, and more passionately. For a second, it seemed like nothing else mattered, and like the two of us were one. Nothing could ruin this for me. When we finally pulled apart, I used my finger to wipe away his tears. I told him,
“You don’t have to worry. Even though I had my doubts, I don’t anymore. For the past few years, this is all I wanted. And now I actually have the chance to have you as my own, and nothing is going to ruin it. You didn’t mess up tonight, so don’t regret it. All you did was show me how much this really makes sense.”
A smile played at his lips. He searched my eyes, trying to see if I really meant what I said. I didn’t let him doubt me for another second. I stretched up and kissed him again, trying to match the intensity of the other one. I wanted to make sure he understood, and realized just how serious I was. We pulled away to breathe, and he said,
“Promise me I’ll see you tomorrow? And that no matter what might happen, you’ll always be mine, and that you’ll never go away?”
And without thing I did. I promised that I would be his no matter what, and that no matter what doubts might’ve passed through my mind they didn’t matter anymore. I understood that this is real, and what we both wanted.
We finally pulled apart, and then with a final kiss good-bye, I left. I walked back to my house, replaying what he told me over and over again in my head. And even though what I said was in the heat of the moment, and I didn’t know if that’s truly what I should’ve said, I didn’t care. I was happy, and for now, nothing could break me down.