5th of January, 2016

Lucas’ thoughts:

I sat there for probably half an hour just watching my hands over and over again while Mr. Freedman lectured about something. I've still got the same mole on my thumb, a paper cut on the pinky, and a small scar over the back of the right hand, yet I still check them as if its changed without me being aware of it. Last periods were always so terrible. Just waiting for the day to end.

When his voice started to die down, I knew the sound of the bell was soon approaching. My eyes moved from the familiar sight of my hands to the clock, above his head. Mr. Freedman surely saw all the kids doing the same; he sighed and finished his speech with a declaration of a last minute assignment. I'm sure he just pulled out of nowhere. 

But my typical high school day was over and I could finally relax. As soon as I hopped off the bus, I went over to my computer and loaded up COD Ghosts. 

The rest of the week went something like this. I got caught up on the game luckily. My life is pretty chill, I must say. I don't have many things to do on the weekend, and I don't really hang out with friends all that much either. I know it's bad but I don't really have the motivation to go out and talk to all the other kids. I mean what am I supposed to do? In highschool everyone has friends already, it's not my fault nobody's open to meeting anyone anymore.

8th of June, 2016

Lucas’ thoughts:

I dropped off my bag at my bedroom door for the last time in a while. Summer break had finally arrived and I, like many other guys, was excited. Time to forget everything I had learned over one long year, and get ready to rush through the last final year once break ends. For a good hour I just laid down, getting well needed rest, scrolling on my phone the whole time. 

About halfway through the summer I stumbled upon some online forums. You know how I mentioned the whole no friends thing? Well although i'm ashamed to speak about all that, these forums were kinda eye opening. So many people share this same experience with me. I've made a few friends there, and definitely got some good advice from people. I've been researching there and I think, like many other teens, I've got depression or something. I mean my symptoms are kinda in line with what other users are expressing on there. 

20th of August, 2016

Lucas’ post on Discord:

I know this is gonna be a boring post, you guys and I'm sorry about that but I just have to rant. I'm dreading going back to school in a couple of days. (Yes, I know that's a quintessential teen thing to say…) But I just hate going back to that place with a bunch of people I can't even talk to. Kids who just talk about the most basic, stupid, and low level nonsense. I swear I'm surrounded by idiots half the time. Shy kids who are always staring down at their phones, or kids so loud, and obnoxious I can't even hear myself think. High School is so tough to sit through everyday. This depression makes it so much harder too. And also the workload. OH MY GOD the workload. Last year was bad enough, I can't imagine what my teachers are gonna be having for me this year.

Replies:

Anonymous:

I can soooo relate to that. It feels like the only good people worth talking to are online nowadays. People can be so fake.

Mick3426:

I'm out of highschool but I understand what you mean. At Least you got somewhere to rant. And don't be worried about being boring, no one cares.

Jennyluv17:

Omg yesss. Like the only place I can find friends rn is playing video games or discord. Stay strong soldier lol.

1st of September, 2016

Text messages between Lucas and Jenny:

Lucas:Hey we should facetime or sum someday?

Jenny:  We've been texting for like a week, so sure. I wanna know whose handsome face I'm talking with lol.

Lucas: Cool :) 

3rd of June, 2017

Lucas’ thoughts:

I'm sitting squashed between two guys who are basically having a conversation on opposite sides of me, like I'm not even there. It's so hot outside, and I feel like I've been listening to the principal speak for an hour. Can we just get all of us up there so I can take my diploma and go home? This gown is making the weather that much more unbearable too. Sweat is pouring down my brow and I can feel myself getting antsy. 

2nd of July, 2017

Text messages between Lucas and Jake

Jake: Hey man, I haven't seen you in a while. Do you wanna hang out sometime soon? Maybe this weekend?

Lucas: Oh yeah… sorry about that. I actually have plans with my girlfriend on the weekend.

Jake: Alright… Let me know if you wanna hang out some other time then… Ttyl

Lucas: Yeah…

7th of June, 2017

Text messages between Lucas and Jenny

Lucas: Hey did you wanna hop on Minecraft? :)

Jenny: Yeah sure.

6th of November, 2017

Lucas’s Discord message

Hey guys, I haven't really been active lately, but I wanted to rant again. I've just been feeling down I guess. The same loneliness from highschool still persists and I don't know what to do about it. My life just feels really crappy right now. I recently lost my part time job and I haven't been motivated enough to set up an interview for another one. I'm still living with my parents (I'm only 18, lay off me), so it's not like I'm urgently in need of one anyway. I've just been in my head and feeling all stressed. 

Replies:

Jxter3434: 

Take it easy man. Try to relax and stop being so hard on yourself. 

Mick3426:

I feel you. I feel so lazy right now lol. I got laid off not that long ago.

24 of December, 2017

Text messages between Lucas and Jake

Jake: Hey, just wanted to check in on you man… You seem pretty down lately. I found out about your girlfriend, Jenny. I'm sorry that you guys split. That really sucks.

Lucas: It's not that big of a deal…

Jake: You sure?

Lucas: Yeah I am. I don't mean to be rude, but we haven't spoken, or really been friends for like two years. Why are you still texting me?

Jake: Dang… I'm just tryna make sure you're alright.

2nd of June, 2022

Jake thoughts:

This school seems strangely homey now. I know I hated it back when I was in high school, but now I think because ive been removed from it, it's a little nicer. A Lot nicer knowing I don't have to take tests anymore. 

I'm walking in the front doors now. They really went all out with all the balloons and decorations. Everyone looks so similar yet very different. 5 years can really do alot to people I guess. Jessica cut her hair. Tom looks the exact same, but maybe a little taller. And as I'm looking across all the tables, wait… is that Lucas back there? Holy smokes. Uhhh…. Wow I feel bad for thinking this but, he got larger. He let himself go a little. 

Alright, I'm gonna go talk to him.

As I'm getting up, I think he's seen me. I'm looking right at his eyes, but he looks away. Wait… he's getting up as well. He's leaving? He just got up and rushed towards the door. God, I don't wanna chase him, but what's his deal? 

5th of September, 2022

Lucas’ post on another Discord

Lucas:Hey guys. I'm new to the server, but I found you guys recently and I wanted to get involved. 

Replies:

Monica: Yea for sureee, say whatever you want :)

Lucas: I've been feeling so terrible for the past couple of months. I've put on some weight and I lost my girlfriend. Everything seems so awful right now. I just don't know what to do.

Tamtam94: I'm so glad we have another perspective on this issue. Fatphobia can affect everyone. You shouldn't have to feel terrible about your size, or even the fact that you lost your girlfriend. We all got through struggles and people should be accepted at whatever size you are.

Monica: It seems like you still have some internalized fatphobia inside. Which is okay :). But you should really be more accepting of who you are. You have to remember that some people are supposed to be at a certain weight, and maybe this is just your body's way of dealing with stress.

8th of October, 2022

Lucas’ post on Discord

Hey guys! I wouldn't normally say something like this, but since I've been in this discord for like a month I really feel better. I just wanted to thank all you lovely humans for helping me get through my rough patch and I hope we can keep this a safe space for all. I'm now realizing how toxic my old friends and peers must have been if I feel this relieved and safe and loved now. Just wanted to let yall know that. <3.

Replies:

Monica: Awwwww <3

Tamtam94: i'm so glad we could help you <3

6th of June, 2023

Lucas’ post on Discord

Guys, I swear they need to make more seasons of One Piece. I've already watched it all. 

Replies:

Monica: Really? Damn, I feel the same way with all my shows…

Tamtam94: Doesn't One Piece have like over 1000 episodes?

3 of July, 2023

Anonymous post on Discord

(now removed)

Hey guys, Ive been part of this discord ever since the creation of it. And to be completely blunt about it, it has transformed into a cesspit of a bunch of lazy losers who justify their own greed and food addiction. I mean how can you seriously talk good about all of this stuff with joy? I wish this was just an anime discord with semi-normal people who actually have lives outside of this.

Replies:

Monica: Dude, how are you complaining about us being degenerates if you are a so-called vet of this server. No one on an anime server is normal. And your disgusting views really show, no matter how honest or good you mean to be.

4th of September, 2023

Text messages from Jake

Jake: Hey man, I know you don't really know me anymore, but I really wanted to talk to you about this.

Lucas: Okay…?

Jake: Look man, I dont know whats going on in your life, or what problems you have. But, you really don't look too good. I see you around sometimes, and you gained weight, you look tired, and really disheveled. I don't want to come across as rude, but I really want you to be okay.

Lucas: So let me get this straight… You came and insulted me out of nowhere, knowing that I didn't want to continue talking to you, and you played it off like you actually care about me? What's your problem?

Jake: Jesus, that's not what I meant at all. 

Lucas: Sure it wasn't.

Jake: Christ. You know what, fine. Forget I said anything.

3rd of November, 2023

Lucas’ thoughts

Life has been so awful. It feels like so many things have been piling up. I still haven't been able to get back on my feet after I lost my job. I still miss Jenny, and I got a call from my sister about Dad a few days ago. I don't even know if I'm gonna be able to make it to the funeral in my state. I haven't moved from bed in three days, other than to use the bathroom. I know this is really bad. I know this is the most degenerate I've ever been. But I can't seem to even bring myself to move. The only friends I have are people who don't even know what I look like. Do I even deserve to feel better when I've let myself down this much? When I've let everyone around me down this much?

3rd of March, 2024

Lucas’ thoughts

At this point, I feel finished. I've put off “getting better” for so long that it doesn't even seem like an attainable goal at this point. I haven't left my mothers basement in six months. And my thoughts every day remain the same. Ive havent moved past any problems; I just pushed them out of the way and slept until the next day, waiting for them to stop popping up. My daily life consists of hopefully getting some attention from people online, eating, and going to sleep at very late hours of the night, only to wake up at noon the following day, and restart again.