Why'd You Have To Go | Teen Ink

Why'd You Have To Go

May 9, 2018
By MaddySheroff, North Attleboro, Massachusetts
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MaddySheroff, North Attleboro, Massachusetts
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I stand on grass with large stones all around me, well, except there’s one wooden sign. The wind slowly blows my hair behind me, causing a chill down my spine. A six foot pile of dirt sits in front of me. The name “Jason E. Washington” is written on the wooden sign poking out of the ground. A tear forms in the corner of my eye, slowly falling down my cheek like a raindrop falling down a window. I hang my head down, memories smash in my skull, trying to escape but they just can’t.
I place a bouquet of flowers on the fresh dirt and sigh. My mom sits in the car at the side of the road next to the cemetery. She stares at me as I stand at my best friend’s grave, wishing that he can come back. But I know that it can’t happen. More tears fall like a river, one after another. The cold wind makes my cheeks cold, for it turns my tears cold. I feel hands on my shoulders, squeezing them tightly.
“Come on, Bree. It’s starting to get a little chilly out and you’re only wearing a short sleeved shirt,” my mom tries to slightly pull me away but I plant my feet to the ground.
“18 years he had. Only 18,” I look her right in her green eyes. “He deserved more than 18 years, Mom! He deserved to have a happy life, find a wife, have kids, find a good job, live until he was 99! He deserved it all, Mom! But he didn’t get any of that! I should have helped him but I was too late!! Mom, this is all my fault!!” I start crying, sobbing really loud as my mom just looks at me in shock that I just said all that I said. She pulls me into her arms and rubs my head.
“It’s okay, Bree. It’s all okay. It’s not your fault. It’s only those other kid’s faults. They need to be punished for what they had caused. How about that. Let’s go to the school, the police, anyone. You tried all that you could-”
“But I could have done more! I should have done more but I failed him and now he’s gone!” I fall to my knees next to the grave. I cup my face into my hands and let the tears sink through my fingers. My eyes liner drips down my face and my foundation rubs off onto my hands.
“Bree, let’s not think about what we just lost, okay. Just think, he’s in heaven right now, looking down at you thinking that you shouldn’t cry. He’s not going to get tortured there, or bullied, or made fun of. He’s happy up there and you should be happy that he’s finally in a better place,” my mom gets down on her knees and drapes her arm around my shoulders. “So, come on. Let’s go home where I can make you some soup if you’re hungry and watch a movie together.” I nod my head and stand up, my legs like jello.
My mom helps me to the car and drives away. I stare out the window and watch trees as we drive by. The clouds start to get darker as time goes on. I fiddle with my ring on my ring finger. The diamonds rough against my skin when I touch it. Then I touch my stomach, which seems to have gotten a little bigger.
My mom holds my hand as we drive along. We get on the highway, the same highway that Jason crashed his car on, which had caused his death. The car speeds up a little bit as we drive by the exact spot. Broken beer bottles are smashed on the ground, along with some car parts that were broken off his car. Skid marks cover the road and there’s a small dent in the tree in front of the woods next to the road. I can’t stand looking at it, so I close my eyes and higher the music. I feel tears building up behind my eyes, but force myself not to let them shed. My mom squeezes my hand and keeps driving.
“Mom, I can’t deal with this!! It’s too much! Why did it have to happen to him!? Why not to one of the bullies on the football team. They deserve this and not Jason!!” I hit my fist on the dashboard and curl up in a ball. I watch as the salty tears soak into the fabric of my black dress.
“Don’t worry. We’re going to get payback for what they had caused.”

School is even more crazier than before, kids running all around and posters being put up. The football team chanting in different tunes where I can’t make out what they’re saying. Cheerleaders jumping and screaming, waving their pom poms in the sky. I shake my head, for it’s crazy and I haven’t even walked in the building yet. I hold one of my straps of my backpack as I enter the building, finding a horrible sight that makes me want to pass out.
Posters with Jason’s face on it has a car crashing into him, saying “Karma is a B****”, covering almost every window and door. I see a football player pretending to crash into a tree and fall on the ground like he’s dead. I look away and escape to the library where no one is. I hide in the corner where no one can see the tears that cover my cheeks. Why does high school have to be so cruel? An innocent guy just lost his life and everyone is still going to make fun of him? What the hell is wrong with people?
I wipe the tears and fix myself up. I can’t let people know that I cared about him and that I still care about him. They would go after me too. But I’ll wait until the bell rings so that I won’t have to see people staring at me because I am friends with him. Or I mean, used to be friends. The past term scares me and makes me upset. I never thought that I’d have to be using past terms when talking about the person who I really care about.
“Hey, I’m really sorry to hear about your loss,” I look up to see a boy staring at me, a camera around his neck. He’s like a mix of a nerdy but also emo kid. His hair is brown and long where is goes over his eyes when it’s pushed over to the side. He wears glasses and has all black clothes on. He looks really shy and quiet, like he doesn’t really have many friends. I mean, I really don’t have many friends anymore either. So I shouldn’t be the one to judge.
“Oh, thanks. I’m Brianna. But people call me Bree,” I tuck my knees in and wrap my arms around my legs. He smiles a little bit and then sits down next to me.
“I’m Tucker. I heard about what happened to Jason. I’ve seen him around and he seemed like a really cool kid. He must have been lucky to have a friend like you,” Tucker puts his camera on his backpack, then pays all of his attention to me.
“Yeah, he was. I just can’t believe he’s gone. It feels like yesterday we were in his pool splashing each other and laughing. But now those will always be memories and will never happen again. And it’s all your fault,” I put my head on my knees.
“It’s not your fault. Your tried all you could to stop those assholes on the football team. I saw you flip out on them a week ago. I was definitely inspired to stick up for myself after I saw you. So thanks for that. You seem like a really sweet girl and you don’t deserve to have the pain that you do in your life,” he leans against to the bookcase we hide behind.
“Um, you’re welcome. I just can’t stand them. They are the reason that Jason is dead and they need to be punished for it. It hurts m that I’m sitting here, moping about it when I should be telling the police or the school about what really happened because the school obviously believes the football team over the quiet girl in the back corner of the room. I feel that all that I do won’t have an effect on anything that just happened. I want to burn those posters that they put up and throw the ashes in their eyes to realize what they did. But I can’t without getting in trouble,” I set my head back and stare at the ceiling. The loud ringing of the bell echos in the library and a mob of people rush by to get to their first period class.
“Well, no one is going to be in the hall for the next 45 minutes. We can start taking a stand for ourselves and Jason by ripping down the posters. How about that? I think it’ll make you feel better and it’ll get the word out that the death of Jason was a tragedy.” Tucker stands up and holds out his hand. I stare at his hand for a few seconds before I answer.
“I’m sorry, but I barely know you. How do I know that I can trust you and what you say won’t blow up in my face later on?” I hesitate on standing up.
“You don’t, but if you want to do the right thing, then I think you should come with me. Then maybe you can decide if you can trust me or not,” I wait a few more seconds and then grab his hand. We run down the halls to the front of the building. The sound of papers being ripped down echo in the halls. Tucker starts ripping the ones on the doors down while I just stare at him. He throws them in the trash and continues to rip more down. After a minute, I start ripping ones on the windows and walls off and shredding them in the trash.
We rip up all of the ones in the front of the school and look into the trash at all of he posters. Tucker takes out a lighter and lights the paper on fire. The flame starts out small, but then grows larger and larger. The fire alarm goes off and students start rushing out of the school.
“Come on, let’s go!” Tucker grabs my hand and leads me out of the building and away from the fire. I hear the football team swearing and yelling that all of the posters are down. “Don’t worry about them. They won’t think it was the quiet kids in the back of the room.”
At that moment, I decided that I trust him.

I sit in class and stare as the teacher teaches a lesson of English, last period. I feel extremely light headed and sick. My stomach doesn’t feel good. And I feel more sluggish, where I’ve gained almost 15 pounds in a couple months. The teacher apparently asked a question and everyone raised their hands, except me. The teacher stares at me, like I’m stupid or something.
“Bree, come up and answer the question on the board,” he holds out a marker and waits at the front of the room. I go to stand up but my head gets really dizzy. I quickly sit back down and wait a second.
“I’m sorry, I don’t really feel too good. May I please be excused from answering this question?” I cover my head with my hands. My face feels really warm against my hands.
“Please come up and answer the question,” he holds the marker out even further and stands at the front, tapping his foot. I take a deep breath and stand up. I take a step, my legs feeling like jello. I try my best to look as normal as I can while I go to the front. I take the markefrom his hand and start writing the answer. As soon as I get to the middle of the answer, black starts closing in on me and I tilt to the side. I fall to the ground and all I can see is black.

   ~   ~   ~

I open my eyes to find a few people all around me, a clipboard in one of their hands and another one holding an ice pack to my forehead. The lights hurt my eyes because they are so bright and shiny.
“Are you okay, Bree? Do you feel any better?” I sit up in the bed and hold the ice pack myself on my forehead. My head still feels a little light but for the most part, I feel a little better.
“I’m a lot better. Thanks.” The nurse hands me a water bottle and tells me to drink it all. I chug a little more than half of the water bottle, the cold water feeling amazing against my hot and dry throat.
“We’re just going to ask you a few questions since your conscious and please answer them with all honesty,” I nod my head and sip the water some ore. “Have you gained any weight lately?” I nod my head. “Have you been eating for or having cravings for weird foods like pickles?” I have been eating pickles and chips a lot recently. I nod my head once more and sip more water. I kind of really have to pee from drinking all this water. “Have you felt pressure on your blatter, making you have to pee more?” I feel they’re reading my mind and saying what it true. “When was the last time you had your period?” I stare at the wall and think really hard. Actually, I haven’t had my period recently that I can recall. This just made me realize that my period is a month or two late. I tell the nurse that and she checks something off on her clipboard. A nurse goes into the office where their desk and some supplies are.
She comes back over to me, holding a small box. “We think you should take this,” she holds out the box that says pregnancy test. I stare at them for a minute like they’re crazy. There’s no way that I can be pregnant. I don’t remember ever doing anything that could possibly get me pregnant. My hand shakes as I go to grab the box from the nurse. I look a the time and It’s 5 minutes before the bell rings. “You can take it home if it makes you feel a little more comfortable.” I slide the box into y bag and walk out of the nurses office and to the front.

   ~   ~   ~

I sit in my room, doing my math homework. My mom is sitting down stairs, reading her book on the couch. I reach into my bag for a ruler when my hand touches the pregnancy test box. I stare at the box for a minute, really thinking if I could be. I quickly grab the box and rush into the bathroom. I open the box and sit on the toilet. My hand shakes as I look at it, hoping that it doesn’t turn out positive. I pee on it and place it on a paper towel next to the sink. I set my phone timer to 5 minutes and stare at myself in the mirror. I look a little bigger than I used to be. I guess it could be a possibility…. I really hope that my mom doesn’t freak out about this. I mean, I am a senior and I am 18, I guess she wouldn’t be too bad….
My timer goes off and I hesitate to look at it. I peak over and I see a positive sign. My heart drops to my feet and my head drops. I look back into the mirror and turn to the side, lifting my shirt. A small bump appears under my shirt. I grab the test and walk out of the bathroom. Slowly, I slosh my way down the stairs and into the living room, holding the test behind my back.
“Mom, I need to talk to you…” I keep my head down, ashamed of what I just found out. She puts her book down and keeps all her attention on me.
“What it is, Sweetheart? Are you feeling alright?” she motions me to sit on the couch next to her. I sit down and avoid eye contact with her.
“Um, so I passed out in class today, so they sent me to the nurse. They asked me a few questions and gave me a test and Mom… I’m pregnant…” I hold out the test and tears come to my eyes. She just stares at me and doesn’t take the test or say anything. Her face is a blank slate, no emotions or anything.
“Wait, you can’t be…. How could this have happened? Bree, are you serious?” she takes the test and stares at it. I nod my head and tuck in my knees. “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS? WHO DID THIS TO YOU AND WHY DID YOU LET IT HAPPEN???!!!” my mom flips out. I start crying really loud. She pulls me over to her and strokes my head as I sob into her shirt. “I’m sorry. This is just news I thought I’d never hear from you. But do you have an explanation?”
“Um, I’m not even so sure. I don’t remember doing it or anyone who would even want to do it with me. I’m not dating anyone and I was never out with anyone-” I stop talking and lift my head in realization.
“What?”
“I only ever hung out with Jason...and we did get really drunk one day…”
“So Jason is that father? How did you let this happen?” She says really fast. I think for a minute and the more I think about it, the more I can start remembering that night.
“Yeah. Um, after we got pretty drunk, we started kissing and then he carried me to his room and… yeah that happened. I was way too drunk to even remember to have him use protection or anything and I guess it just was such a good night that I didn’t want it to end…” I close my eyes and let the tears run down my cheeks. “My dead best friend is the father of the baby…”
“That’s okay. We can get through this. I’ll call my OBGYN and set up appointments for you. We can get through this, don’t you worry,” my mom hugs me and comforts me to sleep.

Three months have passed when Jason Washington had died and I found out I’m pregnant with his baby. School hasn’t been any better, the football team has been trying to find the person or people who burned their posters. Tucker and I have become friends and sit with each other during lunch and talk in the halls. A lot of tension has formed in the school and the baby has been starting to show on me.
I enter the school wearing one of Jason’s big sweatshirts and sweatpants everyday. I can’t wear jeans anymore because my baby bump is so big that I can’t button them. My feet have gotten so swollen that I have to wear shoes that can expand for my feet to be comfortable. I haven’t told Tucker what’s been going on with me. I haven’t told anyone because I don’t really want anyone to know. I’ve seen the doctor a few times and I’ve started taking pills for the baby.

“Hey, Bree. How are you today?” Tucker comes up to me with a smile. I smile back at him and walk with him.
“I’m doing better. Thanks. Hey, I’m going to get some food, do you want any?” he shakes his head and I start walking over to the counter with all of the food. I hear steps behind me, so I walk faster but the steps walk faster and faster behind me. I feel a large hand on my shoulder and wipes me to face them.
“We know it was you who burned those posters we made. You have no right touching the stuff that we made,” the quarterback strips me of my sweatshirt, showing off my big baby bump. He throws the sweatshirt on the ground and looks at me with wide eyes at the size of my stomach. I hear a lot of gasps from the people around us. “Are you...pregnant?” he stares at my stomach. It feels like everyone’s eyes are on me.
I stand up on a chair and I clear my throat. “You know. Yes, yes I am. And guess what? It’s Jason’s baby, too. Just so you know, Jason was the sweetest kid that I have ever met. We may have not dated, but I loved him. He was smart, kind, and cared for a lot of people. But he obviously didn’t get that from other people. You all were too busy making fun of how nerdy he was and too busy supporting all of the bullying that all of you guys did to realize how good of a guy he was. Because all of you bullied him, he ended up drinking a lot one night and went out for a drive, crashing his car and killed himself. This was because he couldn’t handle all of the pain anymore than you caused!
“Now tell me, how do you all feel about that? You killed a boy who was in his senior year of high school. He deserved so much like a long life, a wife, a good job. I would say kids, but apparently, he’s going to have one of those. But all of you took all of that away from him. And just so you all know, he ended forgiving you at the end of the day for all of the teasing and the hitting. He put up with all of your s*** so that no drama is caused. I wanted to say something, but he forced me not to. He didn’t want any problems with anyone. But look where he is now. 6 feet under the ground, rotting away because you assholes don’t know when to shut your mouth.
“But now, he can’t enjoy his son or daughter grow up or anything because you YOU! He can do anything because of YOU. He can’t grow up anymore because of YOU. You caused his death and YOU tortured him until he had enough. I never got to say goodbye to him because of YOU.  he drank himself away because of YOU. YOU all should be ashamed of yourselves because he isn’t around anymore because of YOU. Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to take care of this baby and make sure , even though I’m now a teen mom, that this baby has the best life I can give him/her,” I step off the chair, grab the sweatshirt and my bag, and walk over to Tucker.
“Mr. Walker and the entire football team, please meet me in my office,” the principal comes over with a stern look. The football teams follows the principal to his office and he closes the door behind him. I look over at Tucker who has a smile on his face.
“Did you get the principal to come over and hear my speech?” I ask as we walk away. He nods his head and holds up his phone.
“Also, I got a video of the entire thing so that we can send it to the presses to put it on the news and the newspapers so that everyone knows who Jason E. Washington and Brianna Carter is,” I give Tucker a hug and we walk to our first period class.

I stand at his grave once more and look at the new gravestone that there instead of the stupid little wooden sign. I hold a new bouquet of flowers in my hands and my long black dress blows behind me in the wind. My mom sits in the car on the side of the road, waiting for me to finish. I take a deep breath in and sigh.
“Well, Jason, I found out that I’m pregnant with our baby. It’s kind of exciting but I’m definitely nervous about it. I really wish you could be here to see the baby grow up. But even more exciting is that it’s a boy. I’m really hoping that he has your eyes and your hair. I would love to see a little Jason running around. I’m going to make sure that our son has the best life he can have.
“So, the football team got charged for bullying you and physically hurting you. So I’m happy that they are finally going to get punished for what they did to you. Tucker sent the video to our newspaper, who printed it on the front cover. Your picture is in it so many times, now everyone knows what really happened. And then the newspaper sent it to the news channel and they did a whole story on it, showing the video of me saying my speech. So I’m glad that now everyone knows the real story about what happened to you.
“Well, I have to go to the doctors again to talk about the birth process and what might happen. I’ll be back here soon. I really wish you were here for the birth of our child. I love you so much, Jason. I really wish I told you that when you were still around,” I place the flowers in front of his gravestone. Standing up, I look at the grave one last time and hop in the car to go to the doctors.



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