This piece came about when I had recently traveled to see the eclipse. I want the reader to feel like they experienced the eclipse with me. I tried to use very descriptive words and a convincing story.I need to revise this piece so it flows better. I could use some help with what I need to expand on more or less. A mentor text that helped and inspired me was Moving on From Make-Believe. This helped me because it was a great example of describing the surroundings and the story helped me go deeper into the meaning of different elements of my story.

I got responses from Ashlie, Bode, Mr. Bursiek. Their responses really helped me expand/elaborate on my writing. For example when I said “We arrived in a small town.”, I elaborated by adding “We arrived in the small town of Alliance.”

The Eclipse

My family had decided to see the total eclipse. We jumped in the car and drove four hours to Alliance, Nebraska. We arrived in the small town of Alliance and set up camp in someone's backyard. A nice Indian woman in her late forties welcomed us to the camp ground and told us where to park. After we had finished setting up our campsite we drove into town to grab some food, the amount of people that drove up to see this phenomenon was crazy. We saw license plates from Canada to Texas. Everyone wanted to see this. The next morning we woke up and walked to the local park and set up camp chairs and blankets to watch the eclipse.

The sun started being covered by the moon at first it was just a sliver, then it was half, then it was weaning. and aAt this point the temperature had dropped by ten degrees and the light felt as if it were a cloudy day even though there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Then in the distance you could see the first glimpse of completely darkness and it was heading our direction. Street lamps started turning on, birds started chirping, and everyone in the park went silent to watch the total eclipse of the sun. All of a sudden it went completely dark. Everyone in the park was stunned and in awe in what they were seeing, not a sound was made besides the birds chirping. I looked up to moon covered sun and I could see a ring of sun around the moon. Then As soon as it started it ended and the sunlight burst down onto earth again. The street lights turned off, the birds stopped chirping and the crowd began dispersing from the park. It truly was a life changing experience It showed how powerful and mysterious the universe really was.