Sometimes it’s very blatant. Your eyes begin to gush out something that I’ve been taught to fear, taught to suppress from ever seeing. Your body trembles in disgust, because of the constant reminder pounding viciously in your head of how pathetic you are at that moment of time. You also feel extremely vulnerable a lot. Vulnerability is never a good feeling for you, you are constantly seeking for ways of how to gain control. You think you’re guilty for something criminal, it’s your fault. Why do you have all these thoughts flooding your head, just stop them. Everyone else is fine, why can’t you get it together. Just chill out. It’ll be ok. Drink some tea. Have power. In whatever ways, just let it out. Your family, friends, significant other don’t understand. No one understands. 

Other times it’s sneaky. You feel fine. However, your version of fine means something totally different from everyone else. Fine just means that you can get out of bed, and feed yourself properly, go outside, work. Yet, your depression is still straddled to your brain. You can randomly get really aggressive towards the people you love. Well, loved. You’re not sure anymore. You can never focus. It feels like your soul floated away a while ago, and now you’re a breathing vessel forced to keep living. Everyone is judging you. You’re not good enough. You can never be good enough. You’re weak, you’re stupid, you don’t deserve this place on Earth. You haven’t killed yourself. You would, but you don’t want to make anyone else depressed. You don’t want anyone to feel any of this. So you stay here for others, not you. Because you know if you could silently disappear, you would.
In other words, it sucks. But you still have a glimmer of optimism for life to get better. You don’t feel that enough.