As Kylie Jenner once so eloquently said, 2016 “is really about, like, the year of just realizing stuff.” Putting Kylie Jenner aside, for me it really was. In 2016, I learned more about myself and how I interact with the people around me.

As usual, the earlier months of the year were a blur. January, February, and March all mesh together in my brain. I’m assuming those early months were just a cycle of eat, sleep, school, and then spring break following exams. I don’t even remember spring break this year, which is strange. I know I went to Florida, but I don’t even remember what I did.

Next came April. The one part of April I do remember was the four day service trip I took with my synagogue to Louisiana. I was extremely nervous to go. Mostly because I really don’t like the people there. Most of them are just mean, snotty JAPs (Jewish American Princesses, if you don’t know what that means). Luckily, my best friend was going as well, so at least I had her. I also knew a lot of people there, which eased my nerves, even if I didn’t particularly like them. The short trip was off to a great start, until I started to feel incredibly insecure. I don’t know what it was. The people were nicer than I thought, and made efforts to get to know me better, being that I am shy and probably only showed up once to Hebrew school. Perhaps it was because I didn’t talk much.
During the earlier months in the year, I realized that I have trouble jumping in on group conversations. It’s almost as if I’m in a bubble, and everyone else around me is separated by a glass barrier. That’s the best I can do to describe it. I think it’s because I spend so much time in my own head that sometimes it’s hard to come back to reality and realize what is really there.

Anyway, on the retreat, I was eating at the dinner table with maybe four other people. My best friend and some conceited jerk were having a debate about feminism. I obviously wasn’t going to get involved. Next thing I know, the guy makes a comment about how I never talk. That made me super self-conscious about the way I handle social situations. Other than my insecurity, the trip was okay. I was just happy to not have to see any of those people again.
After May came June, also known as the beginning of freedom and happiness. After school ended, I started my first internship at Dress for Success. Even though it was just at my moms office, it was a big deal because I still had to interview for the job, and I worked in a department completely separate from hers. I had my own responsibilities, and it was a great experience. I was scared in the beginning, being that I am only fifteen and therefore the youngest person there, but my bosses ended up loving me. I think I did an okay job, and it prepared me for opportunities in the future.

After my internship, I was ready to go to camp. I’m getting teary eyed just writing this because I’m not going back next summer. It was my sixth and final year, so I had to go for the full eight week session. This year at camp was very different. I mean, every year is, but this year gave off a whole new vibe. A few of my best friends didn’t come back, or at least weren’t there for the whole time, so that made it difficult to adjust. Although camp takes me to a state of mind where I am happiest, my insecurity still took over me this summer. I felt like a loser. I was insecure socially. I had (and perhaps still have) a belief that people don’t like me, both as friends, and romantically. I think as I get older, my relationships are more set in stone, making it harder to create new ones. I hope that’s not true, but it’s something I’m still trying to figure out and grapple with.

At camp, part of my insecurity came from the fact that I’ve never kissed anyone. I’m fifteen and I’ve never kissed anyone. Now I could blame it on the fact that I’ve attended an all girls school since kindergarten, but then what about all of the other girls in my grade who are way more experienced than I am? Even my best friend was in a serious relationship and had been with multiple guys. It seemed unfair. Why me? What was wrong with me? Am I unattractive? So at camp, I made the mistake of obsessing over the only two semi-attractive guys. Now I’m not the person to obsess over guys, but this summer I was so desperate. I thought my only chance at saying I had my first kiss at fifteen would be at camp. So when that didn’t happen, let’s just say I cried about it for way too long. I felt lame even though I probably had the best summer of my life. In the end, I realized the only thing that made me lame was the fact that I rested my happiness on the hopes that two guys would make out with me just so I could brag about it to other people. That was lame.

After camp (yes, I did more after camp), I went on a cruise with my mom to Alaska. Neither of us had been on a cruise before, and it was nice to spend time with her after being gone for eight weeks. However, the theme of insecurity in my life didn’t escape me. Before the cruise, one of my best camp friends told me about the teen center on the cruise she had been on earlier in the year. She told me to go if I didn’t want to be bored with my mom for a week. At first, I laughed. There was no way I would go. That’s so unlike me. But after careful thought, I decided to take a risk. I wanted to prove to myself that it wouldn't be that hard to make friends. So I went. I definitely had an anxiety attack, and barely went because I thought I would look like a loser, sitting alone in the corner. I somehow forced myself to go, and I’m glad I did. It was a success. For a while afterward, it gave me the confidence that I hadn’t had in a while. I felt as if I could go into new social situations, and make friends easily. I wasn’t scared of not being liked.

Soon after a great trip, school started. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. Although there was more work than ever before, I actually felt pretty good about myself. Maybe this was because one of my biggest insecurities had vanished. I had my first kiss. And kissed two more people after that. I can’t really see the hype because it wasn’t that great, but at the same time it felt great knowing that three different guys found me attractive. I know that doesn’t validate my worth, but at the same time, when you’re a teenager, it kind of does. Let’s just say that knowing three guys don’t find you ugly doesn’t hurt your ego. Just a few months before this, I was young and inexperienced, yet I somehow caught up, and now have more experience than most people I know. I was feeling better, but the feeling didn’t last long.

In late October, I got in a major fight with one of my best friends. I’ll spare you of the details because they’re not important. I didn’t think much of the fight, until I heard that my friend was spreading rumors about me, and trying to turn my closest friends against me. This brought back all of my insecurity about friendships from earlier this year. No one had ever done anything like this to me. It hurt so much because it was intentional. This person who I trusted, who I let into my life, intentionally tried to hurt me. And it worked. It was painful, and two months later, it still is. We have barely talked since, and I still don’t understand what I did to deserve any of this. I guess the only good part about this circumstance is that I know who my real friends are. I learned about the value of my friendships.

I realized that I never really cared that much about my friendship with the girl who hurt me. I know this because when she was saying mean things about me to other people, I wasn’t thinking about her, I was thinking about all of the other friendships I cared about losing. We haven’t talked in two months, and I don’t feel like anything is missing from my life. I don’t miss our friendship, and I’m happy it’s over. It was toxic, and it perhaps took the most dramatic conflict of my life to realize that. Was this whole thing a blessing in disguise? I’m still trying to figure that out for myself.

Despite her efforts, not a single person stopped being friends with me after our conflict. I’ve never really thought about that until now. This girl put in a lot of effort to try to hurt my relationships, and it hurt hers more than it did mine. It just goes to show how much my true friends really care about me, and how much I care about them. What’s left were the people who really cared. The people who wouldn’t intentionally hurt me, and wouldn’t let another person dictate our friendship. I’m still trying to make sense of all of this friend drama, but all I can conclude is that my ex-friend was just jealous. She was (and presumably still is) jealous that my friends care about me so much, clearly more than they care about her. If anything, this tornado of drama and emotion she created to hurt me, ended up only hurting herself. What goes around comes around.

Overall, 2016 was a year of ups and downs and I don’t really know what to make of it. I realized this year that I overanalyze everything, including my analysis of this year. Maybe it doesn't need to make sense. Maybe there’s no reason I feel the way I feel. Maybe some questions just don’t have answers. Feelings, people, and places come and go. Sometimes we all just need to let things pass, and hope for the best in the future. Someday it will all make sense.