To the Soulmate I wasn't Ready to Love.

There were days we would go without a single word to each other. We both knew we didn't have to speak all the time to be close. But now when we don’t speak it's different. The distance became greater, our silence more cold and uncomfortable. We drifted until we hated what we’d become. We would fight and bicker all the time.

There are times I still miss you, and cry for you. There are times when I can’t see myself without you. You were my one, but I wasn't ready to treat you the way you needed. I couldn't even treat myself how I needed to. I assumes you’d always be there in my life, my partner in crime. But something in me doubted that.

I doubted myself constantly with you. Am I saying the right thing, is this how I'm supposed to hold him, am I good enough for him, does he think I'm clingy, am I annoying him. You would reassure me, over and over again, telling me you loved me and needed me. Telling me you’d always be here for me.

I wasn't ready for you. But you were my one. I still dream about you, waking up from the warm happiness of the dream to the harsh coldness of reality. I still picture us together and what our future could have looked like. I think about all the experiences we have had or could have had. I picture all the date ideas I still had planned.
We were so close but I drove the fatal wedge between us.

Instead of realizing what i had done wrong, i began focusing on the outcome. I Can’t change, i won’t ever be good enough. I will always end up hurting somebody. Nobody could love me. Those were some of the thoughts i had in my mind. I was stuck in a fixed mindset that i would never be good enough for any type of relationship or friendship, so i pushed everyone away.

So i realized what i had to do to be happy was change the way i thought in those type of situations. I began thinking, i can be good enough, i just have to try. I can work to improve my own self image. If i change my self-image and work towards being in a better mindset, a growth mindset, i will be happy again.

I don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy anymore. I don’t need constant reassurance anymore and i don’t feel the need to question every action. My mistakes have helped me learn. So to the Soulmate i wasn’t ready to love, I’m sorry,  this may take time, but i will be okay again soon.