“Are you lonely, young man?” Asked my confused counselor. Loneliness, it’s a concept that I don’t like thinking about. It’s a word that’s piqued my interest, and highlights my biggest worries and hardships. I’m not a people person. I say this because I observe. I treat life like a poker game, I read signs, I tell mostly by how one reacts to extenuating circumstances or in adversity. When emptiness creeps in, I remind myself of the silver linings of life. I’m not dead, my family is healthy, and life isn’t ever as horrible as it seems. “Everything is awesome, and no one is happy”. I live in a decent sized house, but it’s all relative. It’s a mansion in proportion to some places in poverty. As a kid, I used to think my biggest problems were indolence and a lack of desire. I’ve always felt that if you love something, it becomes much easier. Learning in itself is something that the greatest learn how to love. I can’t find it in myself to love the idea of learning anything and everything somebody tells you. The idea that grades and the ACT should be my biggest concern as a kid is sad. While I understand the true magnitude of this, it doesn’t effect my existential purpose. Quite honestly, I know that the impression you’ll get out of this is ignorance. “How could grades and the ACT not affect your future? That’s how you go to college, it’s how you get a good job!” This cause and effect was created by those who are profiting off of the system. Some people consider it an investment, and don’t get me wrong, it can be. But it can eat at someone’s self esteem, and the sad truth of this world is that it’s a competition. Everything's a competition, everything. In life, if you don’t plan it, they say it plans you. I’ve always felt that mastery doesn’t require the $80,000 in student loans, and there’s no guarantees in life, let alone in the world of business. Mastery is solely the experience, mixed with desire, mixed with the self discipline in adverse times, mixed with a decent mental capacity in field where you can impact the world. I understand all of this, hell, I may not be completely right, but I know I’m not wrong. I suppose this makes sense for a teenager, and I can’t fully get a grasp of the true “realities” of this world. But what I do know, is that us humans are anything but perfect. The smart humans, the “superior” know to strive for perfection in whatever they do. Other humans, the “inferior”, they settle. I feel I’m in the middle, because I’m aware. Awareness is the first step, I must avoid my flaws, or improve. I have potential, a high ceiling as they would say in sports. That’s “if I apply myself.” It’s what I hear all teachers say. I don’t have the highest test scores, or good grades. I’m not a good people person, so what do I have? That’s what I’m looking for, because purpose is like attraction of the opposite sex, it’s all in the eyes of the beholder. You create your purpose, your destiny. With your life choices. Maybe school is one of these necessary “evils” that is there. I don’t think school is naturally evil, but I think that the subsequent pressures and stresses that arise from it are. They are direct unintended consequences of school. The initial intention, and the intention of the majority of teachers is that it’s there to help, and better the society. I agree that without education, little to no progress would be made. We would be moving backwards if at all. But it’s not that education is bad in my eyes really, it’s the symbolic interactionism that’s developed over time. Finland’s education system is out of this world. What I mean by this is that the goal isn’t just to learn the formulas, or sit in 8 different classrooms constantly, not only worrying about the letter grade, and really focusing on the actual understanding of the material. Finland has the correct way of learning, increasing its importance. It’s not only the learning for the “final product”. It’s the understanding.

All of this is stuff that I think I know, “stuff” that I’ve learned from life experiences. But I’ve learned that the sad reality is that I’m a jealous, sometimes egotistical, sometimes rude, asshole. I know this because I’m human. This doesn’t change my views, and I can’t accept that two plus two equals five. Nobody can tell me this. I’ve learned that loneliness stems from a lack of trust, and the environment that I’ve forced myself into. I’ve also learned from Poker, that in life, sometimes you just have to let the chips fall where they fall, and that sometimes, instead of giving up something important, and losing it in the pot when you think you’re beat, you should swallow your pride and fold. This is my biggest problem. Not the indolence, or lack of self-reliance or self-discipline, but the loneliness that I create by not swallowing my pride. It keeps building and building, the loneliness sometimes exacerbates just because I over-complicate the world.  This “stuff” that I’ve learned, is actually all interpretation, and I can’t be wrong because they are my thoughts. The analysis of life is organized the same way I would analyze a competitive game of Poker. Between the importance of school, the acknowledgement of my faults, and my interpretation of what loneliness stems from, they are the proverbial “hands of life.”

There’s no absolutes in this world. None. As paradoxical as that statement was, it’s still probably true. No prestigious college or pocket ace hand guarantees success. It’s something that you take. In Poker, you can turn any bad hand into a great hand, and any good hand can go dry with a crummy flop. But if you play it smart, usually; good things happen.