My brain kept repeating the harsh words my father said to me, Why would he say that to me? He knows how sensitive I am! Why didn't my mom say something to him? I can't process what just happened!

There's always this little voice in my head saying that if I go through it that it'll work. My whole perspective on what I can and can't wear has changed by how society has portrayed an unrealistic body image. It somehow got into my head and now that's my goal on how I should look like.Just by those few words ¨…..it's not going to fit you..¨

I know he didn't mean it as a rude gesture, but to me it was the simplest words and the seriousness in his tone of voice that he said to me. That changed my whole perspective on how clothes look on me. Plainly staring at the mirror in my room began to point out where my imperfection didnt look right.It was everywhere. As my eyes turned watery, into this rosy pink color while they were transitioning shiny, due to the tears that were swelling up, and a knot in my throat. Nothing came out.

I scrambled to get  the ripped up plastic bag which my shirt came in. That was on the floor and on my bed. My eyes scanned the whole room for tape, to tape back the package together. Before I went back to the living room as to where my father was. I took multiple deep breaths in and out. Wiped my eyes with my cold shaky hands, till they were back to its normal state. I folded the shirt as it were never used and opened and gently placed it back inside the package bag sealed with tape from earlier to return it back. When I stepped out of my room. I was avoiding any communications with my father but he still had the urge to tell me right in front of my face that I was overreacting to my mom. ¨ She's taking my words to seriously, ever since she was little she would always act like this¨

My instant reaction when I heard what he spoke out of his mouth, was to ignore him. I got what I was looking for, which was post it stickers for the package to sip back, and went directly to my room. I felt as if everything in life falling down on me. Walls crushing in and suffocating me. Everything was suddenly against me.I was beginning to feel anxiety inside me and claustrophobic griping in on me,as if the walls were closing in on me. The door was almost shut until I heard my father say ¨ I was just trying to help you¨ help me!?! I thought. It didn't feel like he was trying to help me, it didn't help at all. My entire body felt like it took in so much hurtful information and that it needed rest. My hands were shaky, my heart was pounding, a migraine began to come. At that point I was done with everything and I wanted this day to be over.

The more I thought about it, the worse I felt frustrated with myself. This was a feeling that you couldn't put words to, until you're physically put into this situation. I began to plan ways to change my imperfections. I normally don't eat much but by cutting my food intake in half,it made it even worse.

The second idea that came into was the worst thing anyone can imagine or physically go through. It was to hurt myself and make me feel even worse about myself. I know it´s a bit much of  me to think of this but I didn't care at the time and I felt as if should punish myself by my physical appearance. My entire head felt as if it was being weighed down by how much of what I was considering of doing to myself.

I began planning out on how I could do the non eating but not have my parents be suspicious of what I'm trying to do. The white crop top that hugs everything in was still in front of me and I put it on and took pictures of it on. I marked on the photo as to what section I needed to work on and what looked bad. The day went on as normal but whenever my parents asked if I was hungry. My immediate excuse was ¨ I'm still full thanks¨but in reality, I lied. I didn't actually eat that morning.

The non eating caused a migraine to happen but even worse. It felt as if someone began stabbing my forehead and the soft whispers felt like a concert screams. Luckily I had prescription pills to make the pain go down. I took 2-3 pills, when in reality I was recommended to take only one. The non eating has happened in years past and even during school time. That even my friends would notice and ask me if I was hungry but my answer would always be ¨no¨.

One of my friend stated ¨When people don't eat it doesn´t make them lose weight, it actually  makes them gain even more weight than before¨ When she said that my heart sunk down to my stomach and it felt as if someone betrayed me. I told them ¨ I know¨ but in reality it made me feel worse about myself. It actually made me feel more self conscious and made my self esteem fall  even more, as if it wasn't already worse. A couples days went by and by then my father and I began talking again but not full on conversations but quick ones that are either yes or no answers.

I was walking to the living room to retreat my backpack, which I left there when I got home from school. I heard two people talking. It was my parents they were stating how they've noticed my eating habits change. My mother had a really concerning voice while saying ¨I'm worried that she's not eating enough food, I know that she's always been a picky eater but she always says she ate before dinner but i've never seen a dirty plate in the sink¨

My reaction was to come up with a better plan that I can get away with. That makes it look as if I did eat. From then on I would grab a new plate, fill it with food and throw it away in the garbage can and put the plate to the sink. This eating habit is something that I still struggle with today. It won't go away.