Everything went blank. Nothing made sense at this point, and all I wanted to do was cry. I was wishing that it was a scary nightmare and that I could wake up from it and everything would be okay. Unfortunately, that was not the case.  This miserable thing that I was hoping was a bad nightmare was quickly becoming my forever reality.

I had just witnessed the most sorrowful experience in my life. I just watched my grandmother passed away right in front of me. Her and I were very close and it was so hard for me to deal with. When I was about 5 years old, she was diagnosed with small cell cancer.  As young as I was, I didn’t think much of it at the time. I quickly realized that it would one day become life changing, and not for the good. It was a scary situation, and I think I was in denial for a long time. I was unwilling and scared to accept what was going on , but I learned I needed to in order to move on with my life.
   

Initially when she was diagnosed, we tried to keep things to remain as normal as they possibly could. We talked about the cancer seldom, and when we did the conversation didn’t last very long. We tried to move on with our lives, even though we were all trying to deal with the pain we had inside. She continued to get chemo and things seemed well. It didn’t seem like she was getting any sicker and she seemed to be content with life. That made us all feel a little better. Daily life seemed to get back to normal, and I think that’s what all of us needed.
   

Things stayed normal for a while, then they started to change. She seemed to be acting differently, and it scared me. I didn’t know what to expect at this point. She always seemed tired and drained. She didn’t have much energy anymore. One afternoon, I was outside playing with my friends and I started to hear yelling. I realized the yelling was coming from my dad. “Help!’’ my dad yelled.  The next thing I know, ambulances, fire trucks, and cop cars were rushing into the parking lot. I seen them roll my grandmother out on a stretcher and my dad get into the ambulance with her. I was stuck. All I did was stand there, and I didn’t know what to do.
   

Later that day, I went up to the hospital. What I was expecting to see is not what I seen at all. My grandmother was struggling for words. All I heard her say was “It’s going to be okay,”

“Ok?” How was this going to be okay?” I said. That was one of the hardest days of my life. The doctors said there wasn’t much else they could do for her and we just had to wait it out and see what happens.  All I could deo was break down and cry. I didn’t want this to be the end. I wanted them to be able to help her. I was feeling all sorts of emotions. I was angry, upset, confused, and so much more all at the same time. This had truly come a nightmare.
   

A couple days later, we got to bring her home so she could be on home care. We wanted her to live out her last few days at home with us. Things weren’t getting any better and I was trying to stay strong , but it was so hard. One night, I woke up at about 2 am, and I heard my parents screaming for me. I rushed into my grandmothers bedroom and I found them at the foot of her bed. I knew this was the end. I knew I was about to lose the most important person in my life. Suddenly, I seen her chest stop moving, and at that moment a golden heart stopped beating, and I had just lost my best friend. We had the funeral shortly after, and we had some family come in from out of town. It was a sad and grieving time for all of us. I think we were all still in shock and the pain was unbearable.
   

We have all learned to start living again. It’s still painful every time we think of her, but we try to remember the good times. I have learned how to deal with my pain as well as I possibly can, but it’s never easy and I never think it will be. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and miss her. I know she is always looking down on me and watching over me. I plan to make her proud of who I have become and who I will become in the future.  I made a promise to myself that I wipl always live my life for the both of us and live it to the fullest that I possibly can, and I plan to keep that promise.