This summer I went down a dark road my life fell apart and just when I thought it couldn’t get worse it struck me.

My father and I have honestly never gotten along he and my mother have always fought it was a constant thing, an every night thing. My sisters and I have gotten used to it over the years. My dad left us on April 12, 2014 he left us and said he would be back when he was ready. I was deathly afraid of my dad from past things he has gotten violent with me and my mother i've seen it and i have heard it. When I heard that door shut a sigh of relief hit me “he was gone” I thought to myself. That was the first night that I had actually gotten a good night’s sleep.

The next day while I was at school I was happier than I have ever been that was until I got pulled out of class this nervous feeling had hit me in my gut I knew something was up. As I walked down the hallway to the office the pain in my stomach got worse, that’s when I saw him standing in the middle of the hall just looking at me I slowly approached him he looked me in the eyes and said “I wanted to say goodbye, your mother and i have made the decision to get a divorce (though this was no shock to me my mood went down) I am going to stay with grandma till I can get back up on my feet again.” he kissed my head and I walked away silently. I went back to class and my thoughts were scattered I thought that it was my fault because the night before he got extremely mad at me and threw me into my room.

Anyways skipping the rest of the school year it was last summer that I really noticed the change in myself, piece by piece I was slowly slipping away, I was no longer myself I had lost interest in so many things. It was hard to be happy, it was hard to be the old me I didn't know what was wrong with me I thought I was going crazy. My mom decided that it was time for me to get a therapist, I agreed to go and she was right, at the time I didn't think that it would help much but as time went on I saw some results. Until the summer, I went to my dad’s for two weeks at a time… I was so scared, I didn't know if i would last two weeks without her. My thoughts came to be true, near the end of July I went into a “mental” hospital I told my therapist that while I was at my dads I had attempted suicide 3 times in those two weeks of being there and that last time I almost wasn’t that lucky. She decided that it was best if I went to see a doctor the first one I went to I was sent back home they said nothing was wrong with me, so the next day my mom decided to take me to a children's hospital in GR they decided to keep me overnight they thought that I was a slight risk to myself.

The next day they were calling institutions trying to find me a place to go and get help as an inpatient. They found one I was worried I had heard about them before and they sounded scary not to mention that I hated hospitals in general. I was taken by ambulance without my mom to forest view, she met me down there I had a panic attack. She signed me in and half an hour later my mom left and I was taken to my room, I had this roommate and she was a bit scary. While in there we did group activities, we had a private councilor, and a case manager one who would discuss with us why we were there, we had a doctor to give us check ups and prescribe us pills. Some of us had private groups to go to with people with the same problems.

My last day was arriving quickly and that meant a meeting between my father and I, the thought of this worried me since he was the main cause for my problems and me almost ending my life. My case manager prepared me for the worst and thank god he did because if not there was no way I would have been ready for this, the day came and I was so nervous my hands were shaking badly and they called me back to the office he was there, his eyes staring at me he did move once just looked at me as I sat down. My case manager began talking to him and explaining why I was here, he explained that I did not feel comfortable in anyway possible at his home or near him. My dad blamed it on my mother and grandma he said that they were putting lies into my head to make me not like him, this was not true at all. I had saw all that I needed to see and there are some things that 5 year old children should never hear or see between parents but I did, I grew up with it watching fights almost every single night, words that shouldn’t have been said and actions that shouldn’t have happened but it did and I saw everything… He didn't know it and neither did my mom, but I saw everything but he was so convinced that my mom was putting it all in my head and its was my mom’s fault he kept denying everything.

I got so frustrated I had to leave. I raced down the hall back to my room, I fell onto my bed and cried. My case manager kept talking to my father and worked out an arrangement, I wouldn’t have to go over to his place anymore as long as we did counseling together, he agreed. After he left my case manager came to talk to me and to tell me what was going on it was about 2 days later when my mom came to pick me up I was finally able to go home.

I was extremely relieved to be home after so long, 2 weeks later I had my first session with my dad, I was so nervous, I was so angry, yet so sad.. He had destroyed me. I knew deep down that I would never return to my old self. I would never be that happy little girl always laughing and smiling, I wouldn’t feel the same, nor would I be her again. She called us back to her office and I was a wreck. He didn’t appear to be nervous at all he showed no emotion he was cold, heartless… he didn’t seem to care how he hurt me. Long story short we only had 4 sessions before he called quits and said he didn’t care “I don’t want anything to do with her if she wants to act like her mother I don’t need to deal with this crap I don’t want her.” Those were his exact words and his last words to me. It’s a few weeks later and i'm doing pretty good with all the hell he put me through at the end of the day i'm just glad to be alive. Had I gone through with that I wouldn't be here today to tell my story of how I lived through hell and i’m now doing just fine.