Growing up, the world was black and white. It did not occur to me that I was any different from the other kids. Going to school was not greuling, but neither was it something I looked forward to. My daily schedule went along the lines of attending school, completing homework, and reading mysteries until bedtime. I was the typical nerdy student, or so I believed.

During my five years in elementary school, I had never once gone to a play date or to a birthday party. But it didn't bother me. At school, I was the quiet one; some even called me antisocial. At the time, I did not understand what that word meant, but I didn't bother to search it up in the dictionary. I just accepted it as part of who I was, and I even took pride in exuding such a quality that none of the other kids seemed to possess. However, my state of ignorance soon came crashing down on me and I discovered that I was the weird one, the one who was incapable of doing what everyone else seemed to complete without a thought. I discovered I had a hard time talking to others, in communicating my thoughts, in sharing my emotions, in building relationships.

That day came when my sixth grade English teacher assigned us a project to complete on the first week of school so that everyone could get to know each other better. As I was compiling a list of adjectives to describe myself for the bubble map, the first word that flashed through my mind was 'antisocial.' I don't recall why but that day, I had an urge to grasp the full meaning of that word that had been trailing in my shadows for the past five years. A few flips through the school dictionary and I came across the words "unable to associate in a normal way with other people." These words hit me fast and hard as realization dawned upon me...I had been labeled abnormal by others according to this dictionary and for five years at that. Having been a top student all my life, I despised the idea that I was lacking such an important ability. Starting from that point on, I became increasingly aware of my actions and participation in group settings. Everyday at school was battle after battle, as I forced myself to interact with others, to raise my hand in class, to build up the courage to talk to my seat partner. I would do anything to get rid of that label, the despicable "antisocial" word.

By the end of sixth grade, I had fought hundreds maybe even thousands of battles, but the majority of them ended in sour defeat. I realized too late that my mind had unconsciously devised a method to trick myself into thinking that I was actively participating in class and making friends. During class discussions, just listening and watching others speak and debate had become tiring and even exhausting. With each question the teacher posed to the class, I would try to fight the urge to sit there but by the time I had decided to raise my hand, another classmate would have already answered the question. Knowing that I had "wanted" to answer, my mind perceived this as having actually spoken and I was disillusioned into thinking that I was an active participant in class. This went on for months and I did not improve at all. Neither did I make any friends. Sixth grade was probably the loneliest I had ever been up to that point in my life.

Fast forward to high school in a new school district. Desperate to change myself and to just fit in, I started researching online for advice and guidance from other users. At this point, I had established the fact that I was an introvert with a severe case of shyness. To make things worse, my face broke out with acne and I developed extreme dark circles under my eyes. I looked unsightly and I felt even worse. There was almost no hope to continue the fight that started in sixth grade. Not until I started watching Korean dramas. 

Little did I know that this new door that I opened would help me battle my insecurities and my shyness. As much as I loved watching these soap operas, I loved discussing them with others even more. Among the 4000 people at my high school, I miraculously found a small group of friends who shared this interest. I finally broke free from my chains; I started talking more but only among my friends. With this small achievement, I settled down and gave myself the excuse that I was now normal enough to rid myself of the antisocial label.

Now in my junior year of high school, I came to the grave realization that my "improvements" from the previous two years in high school were negligible in changing my shy persona in the classroom and among strangers. I was and still am as reluctant as ever to open up in class discussions and to strangers. Faced with upcoming college applications, I experienced a major roadblock-the need for recommendation letters from teachers. The world was forcing me to realize that my introverted personality would become the end of my dreams, my goals, myself. I must, need, must, need to learn to communicate with others and be willing to take the initiative in establishing relationships. I want to do this, I must do this, but I could never seem to be able to do it at school. I would build up so much courage and confidence the night before, only to have all that come crashing down at school the next day. It truly seemed hopeless.....

To you who are reading this right now, I have just told you my life story. If you are experiencing what I am going through, just know that that there are many of us having a hard time trying to change ourselves. But I believe we can do it. We are all experiencing the curse of the introvert, but this will certainly not become the roadblock to our dreams and our future. Only having mustered up this confidence once again tonight to write this articlce, I hope I can look back in the future when I'm going through this internal battle again and draw some confidence into myself.