Worried and over thinking, I was in the car, coming home from the mall. How did I get here, how was I in this place in my life? Why was I so stressed? I did not know what to say when my mom asked me why I was sobbing. Tear after tear, I was trying to remember how this all happened. I felt like the world was a cage I just couldn't get out of. There were things outlining my cage. I touch my silver moon pendant on my necklace, which was hidden in my shirt; it always had the power to make some part of my day a bit better. I felt the Advil my mom had in her car kick in as my tears put me to sleep to the swift sound of another song that played which I'd search for later that was on the radio, if I could even remember after my eyes shut themselves. And I was trying to remember how it started.
"Okay class, I'll be handing back your tests today." the teacher exclaimed limping into class with all our papers covering her face. I was now in my seat right next to Jessica's. Jessica was my best friend, or at least that’s what I thought. Jess had already been explaining what our plans were for the coming weekend; I didn't even know we had plans... I didn't bother arguing that I had something else to do because knowing Jessica I couldn't control anything. The teacher started handing out the tests. My hands started shaking and my stomach filled with elephant sized butterflies. This d*** test would determine another one of my grades. I had worried for the first couple months of high school and all my grades, being a freshman is just becoming harder and harder. Who am I now, I couldn't even explain it to myself. I was hiding under my studies and my friends, but if you took all that off, who would I be? I pull out my necklace and looked at it for hope. Jessica begins again,
"Oh my God, Dana! I don't think I'm going to do good on this test, what am I even going to do!"
"Relax Jessica, when don't you get a full mark?"
"I don't know, but I don’t have a good feeling about this test"
Sometimes Jessica bothered me by being a perfectionist without even knowing it. The teacher, Mrs. Megan, is on our row of desks, my test grade is becoming a lot more real; I begin to over think as usual. Facing the paper down while holding it, Mrs. Megan hands me my test. Panic fills my head like hope used to. I flip it over. C+, well, at least my heart stopped racing. Another class grade going down the drain, just like all my hope for school. I guess I didn't want to get into a good college, the National Honor Society, or anything that could get me somewhere in life. Why couldn't I just be my sister, Lulu, in the college of her dreams, knowing she accomplished everything she wanted to in high school? This was not just another test grade; this was another sign the world was giving me to give up. Another bar to my cage, making me feel like my life was crashing faster than a landslide I’d rather be on right now.
God, this test was just another disaster. How did I even take it?
I tapped my pencil back and forth between my fingers. Briefly I go through everything I had studied, and it happens again. My mind thrusts pain, every thought comes together, everything I had ever remembered, all my stories, all my memories bind to one thought causing an escalating ache through my head. I had felt this feeling before, never knowing how to describe the torment of my own mind, again the over thinking, this feeling would ruin another test.
I breathe deeply and calm myself as much as I can, and I look up. Everything is quiet, but time would not stop, the silence was bliss, I took a look at the pendant, but yet no hope came, the only thing I could connect with the moon was the silence that I would hear if I were there.
Then again, Mrs. Megan came around, and my mind panicked again. As all the thoughts linked, I felt the urge to throw up all the ideas I kept in my head. I get my paper and start; did I even spell my name right? Another determination of my success in life, or at least how everyone made it seem.
Back from space, I wake up from my thoughts and daydreams, when Jessica asked what I got on this d*** test. I tell her my grade as we share tests and my assumption of her getting another A was proven right. I told her to cry me a river, as she was on the verge of complaining about not getting a 100%.
“Jessica, how do you always seem to end up complaining about not getting a full mark?” I doubted she took my empathetic facial expressions as an action of affection.
“It's just, I can't, I mean a 95%. Can you even believe it, I know what it is it’s just these stupid mistakes I make…”
As she rambled on I began to block her out due to her being an agitating perfectionist. It was times like these I questioned why I was friends with her. She had a way of making me feel worse about everything. Seeking advice, I had asked my mom, all I ever got as a reply, was the same sentence each time. “Dana, you choose your friends. So choose ones that don’t stress you out.” I could try to argue, but everyday is became more and more clear. Jessica wasn’t my friend; she was a girl whose sight brought my insecurities to my eyes. I look at her, I see my faults, I see my imperfections, I see my worthlessness, I see my self as the villain, and there’s no way I’m winning this fight.
What kind of best friend is that; was that normal? I could feel comfortable around her, most of the time, but that was not anything compared to the stress she caused to flow through my body. She was controlling, and she tried controlling me. She was just another aspect taking me down and grasping my hope away. What was I doing, was Jessica really who I wanted to be friends with?
I wake up with dry tears on my pale iced cheeks, my nose red; my eyes dulled struggling to see the light of the night. We were stopped at the traffic light.Tears took over my eyes again. My mom acknowledged that burdening me with mountains of questions wasn’t helping, and began to stop asking about the bags under my eyes, my plain facial expression, slouched shoulders. Lightening the mood I chuckled, “Do I look like zombie Mama?” She slightly smiled; “No, you look alright, but we’ve still got a while, go back to sleep.” dozing off, I drowned myself to sleep in my own tears.
Buzz, my phone dances to the new notifications. While my phone was blowing up because of a group chat, my life was blowing up because of everything in it. Of course I wouldn’t answer, I loved my friends I did, but if I had to choose to speak with my friends at that moment, I just wasn’t in the mood. Just about to turn off my phone for a period of peace, Jessica calls. After a dull depressing day at school, I really could’ve used someone to cheer me up.
“Hey Jess.”
“Hey oh my god, Danz I need to tell you what happened today! ”
“Jess, I’m sorry, but I’m not in the mood to be very excited so just don’t expect me to give you my full attention.”
“Oh God, here we go again, don’t tell me you're still upset about Elliot, I guess you're back to your normal stupid self Danz, whatever.”
“Yeah…Sorry, I guess but I doubt it I mean I’m trying to forget my friendship with hi-.”
“Yeah sure it doesn’t matter, okay so Mia talked to Ethan for me and you won't believe... “
She kept talking, but this time, like many others, I wasn’t listening she could’ve been talking to herself the whole time.
“Dana, you there?” She realized I disappeared.
“Yeah right here.” I said carelessly.
“God what’s wrong with you today, get your self together.”
“Sure Jess, look I gotta go, but tell me about Ethan and Mia some other time.”
“Ugh are you serious, were you even listening? You’re so useless Dana, bye.”
Survived another phone call; I was more than glad it was finally over. Turning off my phone, I took out a notebook and began writing thoughts like always. Some people say it helps, to me it usually makes everything worse, but I would try anything.  What am I doing wrong, I began to think, I can't even listen to the advice I give other people, because I don’t care enough about myself to do so. I’m an empty soulless body dragging myself around looking for hope, but there’s absolutely no hope to find. Why I am alive, why live on earth, why here, why? I couldn’t possibly be a useful factor to the world, if anything I just ruined it more. I was done thinking; it wasn’t helping, and only made things worse.
I turned my phone back on, and of course Jessica had been getting mad at me for having my phone off. 3 missed calls. Oh well, about to get a snack, my phone rings again. The caller was a real big surprise.
“Hey Jess.”
“DANA WHY WERENT YOU ANSWERING, ITS NOT LIKE YOU HAVE A LIFE TO BE DOING ANYTHING ELS-“
“Jessica, are you serious right now? I’m not your puppy.”
“Who told you you were, please when do I ever treat you like my puppy. Who said you’re even allowed to talk to me like that.”
“Look I can’t do this anymore Jessica.”
“can't do what, be a good friend? You’ve never been able to do that.”
“Jess I think your insane, call me back when you get to help. ”
“No Dana, you need help.”
She closed on my face; I couldn’t tell if I was glad or angry. Nonetheless, it didn’t even matter; I didn’t have to talk to my so-called “best friend” any longer. Why couldn’t I admit to myself I wasn’t happy with the friends I had, or the things I was doing. No matter how much my mouth smiled, all my mind would do be the opposite. Distracting myself from everything, I turned my t.v. on, luckily fitting in 10 minutes of FRIENDS before my mom came in.
“Dandoon, did you finish your homework yet? ”
“Yeah sure I did, can I just watch this? ”
“You know you’ll never get anywhere in life avoiding homework. ”
“Yeah you're totally right mom, I’ll start studying now,” I said with my eyes at full focus on the T.V.
She turned off my T.V. and gave me a stare. Too lazy to turn it back on, I started homework. Later that night, hours had gone trying to procrastinate myself to sleep, when suddenly, I enter a website that asks me something I hadn’t asked myself in a while. Are you happy? Was I glad, was I really happy? Or was I sad, or was I depressed? I was just tired. No if I was tired, I would be asleep by now. I was just stressed out. But what was stressing me out this much? I knew this wasn’t me. And so I tried to remember what could’ve possibly happened that made me so stressed. It was, it was everything. I was in a group of invisible ghost like friends, who could appear when they wanted to, or if I needed it, but no one stayed visible for long enough for me to get close to. I knew I couldn’t be this way just because of Jessica or just because of my grades, or even just because of not being close to anyone. Then it hit me, I lost a part of me over the summer, and I threw away a friendship I shouldn’t have. I lost my real best friend, Elliot, and now looking back to how we stopped being friends it seems like the stupidest mistake I’ve ever made leaving my friend to disappear into ashes, all thanks to a lie I had heard before. It was a rumor that he hated me, but I believed it and stopped our friendship. I told him I never wanted to talk to him again. And now I know the rumor was a lie, but I’m already broken and it’s too late, he moved, and I still felt lost. I was broken without him; he knew everything about me, more than I knew about myself. And now, I had to learn to suffer with it, but I didn’t know how. I looked back on the last month, any day I didn’t cry and breakdown at the sound of the word life, that day would be odd. I was leaving the world the way the things it’s left me would make me. Hopeless.
Jessica at school, my parents stress at home, my best friend gone, what to do with my life, all these were dragging me down, leashing me to the ground when happiness was the sky. I search my neck for my necklace, where was it. Where was my luck, where was the only charm that might’ve helped at this time. And I remembered. It was at Jessica’s house. I quickly messaged her, despite my anger towards her; my last bit of hope was not going to be left at her house. She replied, “Uf, I knew you were dumb, but not this dumb, you left it in your bags pocket stupid.” I turned the lights on in my room and searched my bag, fortunately finding the necklace. However, even when I put it on, my problems didn’t go away, my life was still crumbling down, piece-by-piece. And it didn’t seem anything could possibly go right, but at 3:48 a.m. I was too tired to care anymore. I put my head down on my pillow. The only thing giving me comfort, and tried to sleep away my problems.
The next day, I hopped into my moms car, ready not to breakdown, little did I know, I was not ready. We drove off to the mall to have dinner and take a break from everything. After a couple of hours of dragging shopping bags around just to buy more, we came back in the car. Driving out of the mall, the traffic revealed itself. I don’t know if the song on the radio chose to be dramatic or the fact that looking out the window causes dramatic movie moments. Nevertheless, hopelessness hit me like the moon if it wanted to fall. Tear dropped after tear. I realized I’d be in the car for a while.
My mom had noticed, and worry took over her words, she stopped the car on the side. I was trying to explain everything briefly, but I didn’t know how. She asked me to nap until we got home. And now here I am. In the car, tears strolling down my face, and a nose so red Rudolph would be envy. Worried and over thinking, I was in the car, coming home. And now I remembered why I was that way, it was everything.
Finally we reached and I immediately went to bed. I had even forgotten Lulu was coming home tomorrow.
I woke up to Lulu shaking me, waking up happy was nice for a change. I was out of bed and hugged the life out of her. She immediately looked straight at my face, and recognized the paleness as a sign of my stress.
“Dana what’s up? How have you been? ”
“I’m good I guess. ”
“Alright, whatever you say, let's go to brunch once you’re up, I can’t wait to talk to you about everything again! ”
Once I was ready we sat outside to eat our food and Lulu began to talk about college. It all sounded so interesting, and it might’ve been the only moment that month I had not thought about the dull aspects of life. However, once I remembered them I began to cry another stream down my face. Lulu worried and gave me a hug for comfort.
“Dan, what’s wrong, I’m your sister you can tell me anything.”
As I tried explaining it all to her, she nodded I could tell she understood.
“Dana I want you to trust yourself, you can become the person you want to.”
“But you don’t get it, I don’t care enough about myself to do that, I don’t believe I should or even can.”
“You don’t need to. You have me believing in you.”
“But why would you, I’m useless, I haven’t done anything productive, I could be analyzed to be a zombie that doesn’t even eat brains, there’s no point of my existence.”
“there is you just don’t see it yet. Look Dana it's time you know I got into my college by working hard, I put up with the same things you did, I lost some friends, but I got new ones. I stressed out about tests and friends and about everything, but I looked up at the moon every night and knew, if somebody could walk on that, I could do anything. ”
I suddenly remembered Lulu had been the one who gave me the silver necklace. She was my hope.
“Lulu I know I’ve been stressed out lately, but I want to get over it eventually, I’m just glad you're back.”
“Me too, Dana, but promise me one more thing, your going to go stand up for yourself, Jessica’s not allowed to treat you like that, and promise me you’re going to stop stressing out about school, I promise you its just life, its short, work hard but have fun. And don’t stress out, I’ve learned it the hard way, it’s not worth it, and it definitely doesn’t help.”
I took the rest of the day and night to think about what Lulu said. I fell asleep as soon as I dropped my head on my pillow and woke up the next morning with a different feeling. I was looking at myself in the mirror that morning; I saw the face of someone I knew I wasn’t. There wasn’t a smile on my face, when there used to always be one. There wasn’t color in my cheeks, when I always was often energetic and filled with life. I didn’t like this person, but the good news was that person wasn’t really me. I wasn’t myself in the mirror, but I could be and I will be. I stand now looking at myself, I know who I want to become, I’m not Jessica’s puppy, I’m not societies victim, I just want to try to enjoy life, at least while it lasts.
The morning sun shined onto the moon pendant and took my attention. Why did I even need the moon anymore, I had myself, I took my necklace off, knowing that the only thing I could get hope from anymore was by myself and I needed to start doing that.
So I did, I took the next week slowly and then the rest of the year slowly, I took a bad test grade as a chance to improve, I took Jessica and told her what I was feeling, I took my phone and I messaged Elliot, were friends again. That was it, I could finally be as hopeful as I always should’ve been, I knew I was finally on the track of happiness.