I am a fighter. Not across the sea. Not in some place well known, but in a place known for the cold. Wisconsin. I’m a small town girl fighting a battle. The horrible battle called depression. I've been fighting this never ending battle for 4 years. The constant hate of yourself. The feeling you are not good enough for society. And the feeling you never will be.

My friends and family always tell me how pretty I am. I personally don’t see it. All I see is a girl who is too pale, has too many freckles and has acne. I wish my hands were different, and I wish my nails were perfect. I wish I had better clothes to pick from, so I could at least feel pretty like all the other girls. It’s a side effect. One of the many side effects of depression, along with losing  interest in activities. For example, staying home on a Friday night and staring at the ceiling. Another side effect is loss of energy, appetite and or weight changes. And even on top of that, Your sleep schedule changes...

Sleeping routine:
1.Go to bed at 9 o’clock 
2.Sit on phone until 10 o’clock
3.Stare at ceiling until 11 o’clock
4.Fall asleep a little after 11 o’clock
5.Wake up at 2 am, stare at ceiling
6.Fall back asleep
7.Wake up at 4:30 am and start to get ready for the day

My “group” of friends are absolutely gorgeous. They can wake up, not even try and they still look stunning. They have the cutest name brand clothes, and I feel like they never wear the same outfit twice. I always feel like the odd one out in situations like that, and it’s not a fun feeling. I always compare myself to them. It’s kinda a force of habit now.

Depression is a word overused by half of the kids I know. You shouldn't claim to be depressed if you get a wrong answer on a test. Depression can only be diagnosed by your doctor. Which in my case, has happened twice in the past 4 years. “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by a**holes” - Steven Winterburn. Yes I’m surrounded by a**holes and people that make me feel terrible about myself, but that’s not the reason for my depression. Not the whole reason.

Depression is like having a devil inside of you. Giving you terrible mood swings, telling you that you are not good enough, making you believe you are not pretty, and just making you feel that there is no point anymore. For me, I get the worst mood swings ever. I feel that I'm not loved because of the smallest things. It takes a lot to become happy again. That's a reason depression is not something to be proud of. And its not something you want. But I’m a fighter, and I haven't given up yet.