480 days ago everything changed and my life changed forever. I can’t seem to say it so I just decided to write it.

Dealing with anxiety related disorders for the past three years has been the worst battle I have fought in my life. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to lose, and one day I probably will. It is destructive because there are no outward signs or causes, I believe it is the worst disease imaginable.

A panic attack can sneak up at any minute. I will never forget the first time, I couldn’t breathe, my heart was pounding and I felt like life was closing in on me and I really believed it was the end. It has been 10 months and 11 days since that day, and I continue to suffer. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Panic attacks are the worst thing possible because there are no physical signs until it’s too late and people still associate anxiety with being crazy.

So where did this come from?? 480 days ago I looked in the eyes of a friend and wholeheartedly fell in love. A friend that has changed my life and caused so many things to happen. At that moment, a moment I will never forget, my comfort zone was instantly pulled away from me and I haven’t been the same since. Being such a control freak while being in love with someone so unpredictable was always so difficult. Read my previous article: All Too Well, for the full story

Anxiety makes every emotion more extreme; I love more and I hate more, I fear more, I care more and I don’t care more. It is the ultimate paradox that controls my life.

I loved more than I ever did but was always scared, another symptom of anxiety, irrational fears. I was always scared to get any closer, as much as I wanted to and as much as he wanted me to. That was the worse part of it all.

What makes my ordeal even worse is the fact that I’ve hid behind these feelings and refused to deal with them. One positive side of responsibility is that it distracts you from dealing with your own problems. I’ve been avoiding thinking about how I feel because I know, or at least think, it will hurt really bad. Anxiety has gotten in the way of things that I really wanted.

I am letting weeks go by, missing out on something that I’ve always wanted, my panic attacks have been more frequent and much worse. This is holding me back from my future. This is going to hurt but the band aid needs to come off now.I’m tired of running. I really am.