Something happened to me when I was young. I don't talk about it much because I don't have anyone who wants to listen and understand. I tried once to tell the men who are supposed to love me, but they were too busy being angry at the person who did it to give me the support I needed. I say that, but really they didn't listen.

I was at a party that my uncle was throwing. I was probably two or three, and my parents were off having fun. My uncle is doing really well financially. His house was something impressive. He had a lot of rooms and a big backyard with landscaping that put others to shame. There was a big wall of bushes that hid a good portion of the area from view, and I never should have been taken there.

I don't remember exactly what he looked like, but I know that if I saw him now I probably would've been attracted to him. He was probably 15 and I always want to say that he was blonde. Another part of me thinks that he had dark hair and brown eyes. That could be the part of me that wants to shelter myself from the truth.

He led me behind the bushes and taught me to do things that no two year old should know how to do. I was wearing a dress, and he pulled down the white tights I was wearing underneath. After that he unzipped his jeans and freed himself. He reached between my legs and he touched me. He experimented a bit with rubbing and probing. In the end he took my virginity with his pointer finger. I don't remember if it hurt or not, but the sound of his voice asking me if what he was doing felt good still echos in my head.

After he'd had enough of touching me with nothing for himself he asked my to touch him. He took my tiny hand and placed it around himself and taught me how to make him feel good. I didn't have to get on my knees but he taught me a whole new meaning to the term "eating a lollipop". Soon he was getting off, and so was I.

As much as I hate to say it, what he was doing felt good. It felt wrong, but it felt good. It ruined my innocence and made me want more of what he had given me. I was too young to understand what I was doing but I knew it didn't feel wrong when I did it to myself. It scared my mother and put me on a sick quest for satisfaction.

That's not to say that it didn't have long term effects on my psyche. I'm a lot older now and at that point in my life when I want to be intimate with the boyfriends I've had. I don't like to be touched or looked at, I just want to please my partner. I've put use to the things that I was taught to do with my mouth, and I've been told that I use them well. I'm cautious about opening up, and I refuse to let my sexual partners do the things that I want them to. I hope someday I can learn to trust again. I want to love like I'm meant to. Maybe someday I'll be able to forget what happened to me.