Everybody knows what a 1st person shooter game is. Most people know how to play them and that they’re fake. But what if you lived your whole life believing that you weren’t even real? That you were nothing more than a character in a video game? That you’re not actually a living thing, and when you look in the mirror it’s such a shock that you actually take up space? Sometimes, you might think about abstract concepts like that and have that “mind blow” feeling so hard it gives you a headache, and then you stop thinking about it and return to your life playing your first person shooters. That’s my whole life. It’s a shock now to see my hands typing this and thinking about the next thing I’m going to write. I don’t think it’s normal because all my life I’ve been branded the “crazy” one, the “druggie”, and “delusional” but what does it matter what they think, when really they will all be dead sometime or another and everybody will forget about everything they were. I’ve never said this to anybody for fear of being called an attention wh**e or a fake, but that’s what’s so great about the anonymous button. No one knows who you are.
I’m not even 15 yet but I’ve been kicked out, and experimented with drugs just to find anything that can help me feel somewhat less weird. But I’ve given that up because it’s all the same, nothing works it’s useless. Most people call me cruel, mean, and a bully because sometimes white hot rage crashes over me like a tsunami, and when that happens it’s hard to remember what even happened but I the aftermath of such an explosion swirls around me, and I can’t even remember what I did. My parents think I’m on drugs, when in reality I have not touched a substance for a year, because for a week it can be a herculean task to even get out of bad, while the next be so angry it’s impossible to talk to anyone without blowing up, and yet the week after that seem perfectly fine. Apparently, my parents think that’s weird, and not how teenagers are supposed to act. Well sorry I can’t meet your f**ing expectations but I don’t care, really. It’s so easy just to lie and have them wrapped up in a false security blanket fabricated with false stories and lies and cover ups. I don’t know if this is something everyone deals with, or if there is something wrong with me like people say, but whatever.