Recently I've felt quite fed up with everything, and I mean everything. I have no idea what to feel and that worries me. School is nearly at a close, with only a week of finals left to go and I should feel relieved, but I feel worse than ever and although I have a lack of things to do, the stress is eating me alive. If you can believe it, I'm even stressed if I just used too many commas in the last sentence. I'm no stranger to writing but for some indescribable reason I feel as if letting the words flow out carelessly that it might some how ease my mind, at least I hope it will. I guess the root cause is freshman year, and how I barely tried. Although I did pull of an 89 average I can't help but think I've ruined everything. I try so hard and to others it looks like I do well and have it together which I like to think I do. But there's this constant reminder in my head that I just screwed up my GPA, and thus my future. I usually write quite intelligently but I sincerely do not have the effort to do so. School is almost over, yet in a way it's not, considering the amount of AP work I have, and knowing my PSAT score I really need to study for all my standardized tests this summer. I bought three textbooks and I incessantly google how much I could raise my score depending on how dedicated I became to prepping. I know deep down that I probably won't even study that hard, and end up getting an atrocious score my junior year. The internet has this way of screwing with our minds. Everything is so open, and seeing other peoples posts about if they can get accepted to Harvard and whatever, makes me feel insignificant but at the same time wants to make me try harder. I feel as though I can't try any harder despite my lack of effort in the first place but I really want to do well. I'm taking four AP classes next year, and chances are I'll probably die. I have this insane notion that somehow the more AP classes I take the more it will help fix my freshman year. I'd love to attend an ivy, but is that even a reasonable prospect? I know my GPA by the end of junior year will raise, hopefully to a 3.8 but while I'm working on that I have to work on SAT and ACT test prep and I wonder if there's even enough time in the day for all of this nonsense. I'm falling apart at the seams, yet I keep it in because I'm quite critical of those who complain and make their problems public for sympathy. I don't want sympathy, I want definitiveness. I want to know that my efforts will pay off, and I want to know if whatever I'm trying for now will actually help me later on. I find myself staring into space a lot, especially when studying or doing homework. I just sit there and literally just think about college, I don't even truly care about college but I feel if I don't get into a top tier university that I'll let others around me down, but especially myself. All my effort is rooted in intrinsic values which then aid in establishing certain expectations for myself that I need to reach. I want to go to Brown, no, I want to go to Tulane, I dont even know. I CAN'T EVEN DECIPHER WHAT I WANT FROM WHAT WOULD LOOK GOOD FOR ME. Do I actually want to attend and ivy or am I just saying that so other people will think more highly of me? I bet everyone does it essentailly just to showcase their achievements, which is understandable, I mean where else are you going to put your 4.0 and 2250 SAT to use other than a college application. Because I'm sure that that means nothing in the real world, and yeah I know you're not supposed to start a sentence with because, But hey, I can do what I want. I know this writing is conveluted and lacks any recognizable organization, but I guess its a representation of how I'm feeling. I suppose it's more of a one way rant than anything really I see people who just seem to have it all together, literal 100 averages in most of their classes, 3 varsity sports, and endless clubs they find no meaning in. I stare at them in awe, and in envy, and in sorrow. I can't imagine the self-imposed weight they're carrying on their shoulders; and then I think of myself. I imagine too much of what I should be doing and what I want then actually doing something to make it happen. I think that is where those people and I differ. But those kids and I share a vision of academic excellence and attending a great university. But they have no appreciation for knowledge. I like to think of myself as extremely intelligent due to my insatiable curiosity. I love museums, books, art, and science. I actually spend time watching documentaries on quantam physics and on the anatomy of marine animals. Everything I don't know is an adventure waiting to happen, and it depresses me all the time that I simply cannot know everything. I sit in my car, on the bus, on my couch, in my bed. I stand in the shower, stand in the rain and wind and I hope to feel something that matters. I worry so much about us, the human race and what we've done to the Earth and other people and in a way I think that maybe if I attend an ivy, maybe I could get a job high up somewhere where I could make a difference. I think of ocean acidification and how carbon dioxide reacts with the oceans water to form carbonic acid. I worry how glacier melting has now become irreversible. I worry how children in Bangadesh can't afford clothing or food or shelter. I worry that our population is killing the Earth and the magnificent creatures that live on it. How do we, as the supposedly most intelligent species out there make these conscious decicions to pursue these paths of destruction for monetary gain. We are a careless and disgusting species if we can sit by and watch other people suffer, watch our forests turn to industry and our Earth turn to dust. I ache for what we do, and what we continue to do. I think on that all the time and think...isn't it funny how it could possibly relate back to my highschool career? Isn't it funny how true virtue is nothing in the face of power these days. These are the values that I think should determine me. I believe that my intelligence is measured in my capacity for compassion and empathy for living creatures, my interest in knowledge, and my want to do something worth while. And then there's standaardized tests which apparently measure aptitude and I guess in a way intelligence too, so based on my scores I'm average. I know, I am certainly not average. I dont think anyone realizes how these small things that are actually deciding factors restrict us as a whole. Peoplpe go, oh well I scored poorly and they try to play it off. Colleges claim their holistic but I mean let's be serious, if you don't have at least a 2100 SAT or 34 ACT, you have a slim chance of getting accepted to Harvard. Another thing, is college admissions, like they want you to be involved but not too involved because it looks like you'respread thinned. You cannot fathom me into words, especially ones that have a 500 word limit. They're essentially asking us to collectively take ourselves and put it into a resume. I truly wish I could take my thoughts and ideas and feelings and splatter them on my resume, because I'm sure if I could, colleges would be begging to have me. The stress level that I, and my fellow peers experience is unmatched by nearly any other demographic, and that's simply not right. I just wish everything could be neat, organized, and concise. I wish I could afford all vineyard vines clothing, and a huge room where I could complete my homework at ease. I'm not spoiled I swear, I just want to feel something that can be addressed from an organized perspective. I need clarity. Clarity can be achieved through just almost detacthing youself from yourself and just imagining how you're one in about 8 other billion people. I try to imagine what a rice farmer in the hills of Asia is worrying about, or maybe a student in my positon writing somewhere else, worried about the world, themselves, and college admissions. I try to maintain some sort of balance and attempt to keep my sanity but it is proving more difficult by the day. It's hard not to compare myself to others, and what they have that you don't, or if studying frantically for the SATs will even improve your score significantly. Maybe even how what you do now is going to affect yout impact on the world later in life. I can only hope I don't fall into a routine life, or ever become average because I know I have something to do on this Earth, and I know it's huge. It's 1:54 am and I'm feeling insignificant, suffocated, and entirely hopeful.