Sometimes I look upon all that is happening and try to figure why is everything is going good. when I look closer, I realize that I have missed watching my nephews and niece grow up, I've missed their laughs and smiles. the crazy things they did and said that would make you bust out laughing even when you were sad. I know I am doing what's best for my future but sometimes I wonder if it couldn't get harder at this point. when I think of them, I remember so many times when they were little and when they would open their presents on birthdays and other times. when they would yell and run around trying to play tag. I don't regret one minute of coming but I regret not being able to explain to them why I left. I couldn't face the tears or the pleas to stay because I would have stayed if I had listened. I ran and I ran because I was scared of seeing their faces full of tears and disappointment. maybe what I did was bad but I know that I did what I had to do regardless. sometimes I talk to them on the phone but they still cant understand why I cant come home. my oldest nephew knows but he doesn't know how to explain it to his brother and cousin. even though it might hurt him, he still smiles and hides the pain. I'm glad he is strong not just for himself but for the other too. I'll being coming home soon and until that day comes I will always wonder why