Seeing my best friend for the last time, I had been invited to her grandpa house. She let me meet all of her pets and she had a lot, after that her cousins came over and we all went swimming for a little bit. It was fun being able to hang out with her, Brian and Brandon (her cousins) stayed for almost the whole day we walked around the neighborhood listening to music, talking, and laughing. When Brian and Brandon went home we went inside and hung out in her room for a bit, it was quiet until I blurted out “I don’t want you to leave..” She looked at me with a sad smile.

“I don’t want to leave either, it isn’t fair that my mums boyfriend decided to leave for Alabama.”
“We have been best friends since we were little! I never thought this day would come…” looking at the ground I started to cry a little as I said through my tears. “You aren’t going! You aren’t leaving me, I won’t let you..”

“Kaitlin? Kaitlin. Please stop, you know it’s not my fault. You know I’d stay if I had the choice but I don’t! You have to understand that, don’t blame this on me.”

“No, it just… You haven’t even told your mum how you feel….” Interrupting me she yells
“Its not like I can change her mind, telling her isn’t going to do anything! It doesn’t even matter how I feel! It won’t change a damn thing!”
“STOP!” I screamed at her. “Don’t you dare tell me that it doesn’t matter how you feel! Your brother Chris is staying here until he finishes High School, then he is staying here for when he goes to college! why can’t you?!” Both of us then were silent as we cried. I told her how sorry I was for fighting with her. we got up and went into the living room, she made popcorn, there was a buttery smell in the air. We sat and watched Finding Nemo. Later we walked to her room and layed down. She fell asleep before did, I stared at the ceiling wondering if this would be the last time I saw her. Even though her mum promised she’d visit next summer, I knew it wouldn't happen because of their money issues.

When we woke up the next morning she still looked a little angry, she was silent and wouldn’t make eye contact with me. I felt terrible. We sat on the couch and watched little kid shows she smiled and starting to sing the theme songs to all the shows and I join in, we bursted into laughter. Later on my mum came to pick me up I took one last look at my best friend and hugged her. Tears in her eyes she whispered through her sobs. “I promise, no matter what happens we will always be best friends I love you. I swear I will see you again. I promise.”
I smiled and walked to the car to leave and through the car window I watched her as she waved good bye. It was the last time we hung out cause the next day she left for Alabama.

When she promised we’d see each other again she wasn’t lying. I was in school and there was a rumor going around that something happened to Kaylie. A random girl come up to me and asked if I knew her. I said of course we have been best friends since we were about five. She looked at me with a sad smile and said “I’m so sorry.” and hugged me and walked away. I had no idea what happened I was so lost. I found my friend Kat and asked to borrow her phone quickly. I went to Facebook and searched her name. I scrolled down her wall and there it was hundreds of kids saying “I miss you Kaylie.” or ‘RIP baby, Please come back.” Standing in the middle of the hall I dropped her phone and cried with about twenty people watching. I Just stood there and no one said a word. I ran into class crying I grabbed my best friend and I walked out of class and into the bathroom I told her what was going on and we cried, a couple mins later my teacher came in yelling for us leaving the class and when saw me having a panic attacked gave me a pass to go to guidance. At first I just walked around the building, I found my favorite teacher and walked into the room crying she grabbed me and walked me to the hall, asking what was wrong. I just looked at her and cried more she brought me to guidance and I explained what happened. After a couple hours I was sent back to class. I texted my Mum telling her to come pick me up, that there was something extremely wrong and she had to get me right away.

When I got dismissed, once again I had to tell the story of what happened. When we got home I went straight to my room and didn’t come out. I refused to talk to anyone. Shutting my phone off and Ipod. I stayed out of school the rest of that week. Finally I choose to call my good friends from Lawrence, them trying to calm me down. When I went back to school, everyday I had to face driving past her old house, and all the kids at school I didn’t speak a word to anyone for weeks. I stopped doing my schoolwork and homework, all I did was cry. I stopped sleeping at night, but all day all I wanted to do was sleep. It the only thing I wanted to think about was. SLEEP. SLEEP. SLEEP. I was dead inside. Completely empty and lost. I didn’t want to eat, or see my friends. I wanted to be alone. I was either, crying, sleeping, ignoring everyone, or feeling extremely sick. I felt like I was the only one feeling this way, like I belonged in a mental hospital. Then came the wake, her mum chose she would have it in Alabama. I screamed and freaked out. I was angry and didn’t know what to do with my emotions or my self anymore. I felt like I hated the world. That I hated everyone. Then one day her mum messaged me saying “Kaitlin, I know you are extremely upset. we all are. I thought i should let you know that we are having the wake In Salem instead. I know how much that would mean to her, you, and everyone else.” Massaging her back I said
“Thank you so much, this seriously means the world to me!” I logged off and told my mum.

At the wake, David came with me. We arrived and her mum came running up to me crying and hugging me, her makeup running down her face, and her expression showing how much pain she was in. Kaylie’s cousins (Brian and Brandon) walked over to me and hugged, holding me really close. Brandon went with me to her casket and that was it. It was when I saw her, she kept that promise. I just wish it hadn’t been this way. Seeing her she looked so beautiful, I sobbed uncontrollably and Brandon took me to sit down. We sat on a bench and smiled weakly. He then stared at the floor and said “I thought you’d want to know, or maybe not….but you already knew it was suicide..and.. well.. Kaylie Hung herself..” He started to cry and I grabbed him and held him as tight as I could. I told him I loved him so much and so does she. I told him I hadn't known she hung herself but knew it was suicide. After that we cried in each others arms, cradling one another. We told each other stories that we remembered about her and laughed and smiled in memory of her. We I couldn't help myself I started to cry again and I went outside to call my friend to get a little more comfort. David being always by my side through the whole wake hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder, my salty tears running down my face staining it with black makeup. I got makeup on Davids shirt and I felt terrible, he just smiled and laughed a little and told me it was OK. That he thought the shirt was dumb anyways.

Experiencing this was a terrible thing, she was..is my best friend. I've known her since we were really little, she lived right down the street from me. She would've been fifteen years old this year. (Oct. 23) I used to blame myself and say well maybe if I had talk to her the day before she did it she would've warned me so I could've gotten help or maybe she'd change her mind just because she realized someone cared. Kaylie I care so much. I wish you had known that. Honestly I wish I had known how you felt. I’m your best friend, and I hope I didn't let you down.

You were always so funny, happy, and was always there for me. I just wished i had been there for you more than I was. I’m so sorry.