I walk away from a life of desire and disparity, towards forgiveness and fate. Letting life guide me and the world fill in. Why should I care what you say when you don’t care what I say? Yet why does the mockingbird sing if no one can understand it. Because its life: we fall, we stand up, we cry, we make up.

My whole life I was told “it’s okay.” Why is it okay? Is it okay for me to cry or is it okay that it happened. Maybe it’s okay because its life, but that’s not always the answer. You can’t die and call it life, you have to live and call it life.

When my dad was diagnosed with cancer I was told its okay. But it is really? Is it okay that my dad was cursed and our family suffered, or was it okay that he had no choice but to fight it? Was it okay for me to cry every night hoping he was okay, not being able to see him for weeks? I had to be strong for the rest of the family when I was only in fifth grade.

When Andrew died, was it okay that he died? Was it okay that he did it to himself? Was it okay that I was depressed and his mother was silenced? That his brother blamed himself and no one knew the real story. Was it okay that I would Google myself and his picture would pop up only to bring me to tears, that I knew he described me while not even being here anymore?

When they called me names and spilled my secrets was it okay that they were “just joking” or was it okay that I needed therapy? Was it okay that the rumors still flashes before my eyes and they are scared in me? Was it okay that they were my so called friends or was it okay that I blamed myself? I blamed myself saying I must have done something wrong to be treated this way, was that okay? Jokes aren’t always jokes when they are one –sided, when they entertain one side and leave the other crying in the closet for hours wishing it would stop.

So the next time you say it’s okay, is it really okay? Or is it just a matter of words that you think will be comforting but just will make things worse. Okay is more of a feeling to me rather than an answer. If they asked I would say I am feeling okay.
I rather them ask me how I felt then tell me lies, because it’s not okay.