Moving On, Moving Out | Teen Ink

Moving On, Moving Out MAG

April 29, 2013
By davidnolan BRONZE, Manchester, Vermont
davidnolan BRONZE, Manchester, Vermont
2 articles 0 photos 12 comments

I was always a “little kid” to my parents. It didn't matter how old I got, the fact that I had friends and other interests besides Mom and Dad, or that – especially in high school – I started to live in a completely different world from theirs; I was always “Davey,” especially to my dad. And for the most part, I didn't mind.
My brother is the stereotypical teen who spends a lot of time alone in his room. He may not fight with our parents, but he resents them. I think there's a whole background of how he wants to be seen as different from how they tried to raise him, and, in general, he isn't big on family. And that's fine by me. I completely understand where he's coming from. When your parents make you go to church every Sunday, try to control who your friends are, and don't let you go to parties, there can be bitter feelings.
More so today than ever, kids – teens especially – live in two drastically different worlds. One, obviously, is our family. The other is our social life. At home, we have nobody to impress. At school and friends' houses, we're always trying to climb the ladder. Make friends. Fit in. Dress right. Get ripped. Look good. Be funny. At home, none of that matters.
There's a difference in the goals of these two worlds for teens. At home, we have to be “good”: not make a mess or talk back, always do your chores and homework. But when we're trying to impress others, we'll do almost anything. That's why at school, “good” kids may make fun of others, talk differently, even walk differently.
Teenagers have a natural desire to be accepted. We need, more than anything, to fit in. Since we are constantly told that our parents love us no matter what, we focus our energy on our social world. In addition, we all leave home at some point – many go to college, where finding friends feels even more important – so the social world seems more and more important to teens. Eventually, it always wins.
The desire to dissociate from our parents, then, makes sense. They represent home life, “good” kids, nice little boys who aren't ripped and don't fit in. When we're trying to survive in the social world, we don't want to be seen with our parents. We know that we won't be with them forever, and, more than anything, we want to grow up, and hasten the inevitable.
I know this because I'm living it. I lead two completely different lives, and I know how hard it is to balance them. I've seen what it has done to my brother's relationship with my parents – the distance is painful. So, I didn't think it was a big deal that my parents still clung on to their view of me as “little Davey.”
Parents don't want their kids to grow up, begin to resent them like they resented their parents, and leave home feeling bitter. Parents want nine-year-olds who listen, help out, and give kisses when they say good night. So I let them cling to Davey. I was okay with being their little kid who would never leave home, who would make sacrifices in the social world to have a good relationship with them. Part of me even wanted to stay like that forever, to stop time and live forever where I'm happy and they are too. But as I grew, despite both our efforts to hold on, that world has been ­fading.
My memory is filled with events, not even very long ago, of me as a kid with my dad. I remember him going out to do errands. As he backed out of the driveway, he would call through the car window, “Oh, and Davey? I love you” with a big smile. In recent years, instead of saying I loved him too, I would tell him to go get the groceries. So now he doesn't say that anymore. Social life over home life.
He used to ask me about girls – a cardinal sin. The two worlds don't mix. I told him to stop being so awkward, so he stopped asking. He used to jump on me, shouting, “I'm falling!” and squash me into the couch. That ended when I was 14 and yelled at him to cut it out.
He used to call me Davey. One day I told him, “I'm sick of being treated like a little kid.” He asked what I meant. I explained that in a year I would be leaving home, but I still had to follow all his rules. “I'm still ‘Davey,' and you still think that this is the center of my life,” I said, motioning to the house around me. The next day, he called me David. And I felt my stomach sink. To me, and maybe to my dad, “Davey” meant I was still his good little nine-year-old. “David” meant the end.
I find myself torn between these two worlds. I want to be an adult – to do what I want, choose my friends, stay out at night. But inside, I still long for that bear hug, the progression of bear hugs from “baby black bear” to “daddy brown bear” – the hardest bear hug of them all. Or games of HORSE in the driveway. Or helicopter rides on his shoulders. Or how he used to jump on me and shout, “I'm falling! Catch me, Davey!” And he would land on me, and we would laugh, and I could never push him off.
Now I regret pushing my dad away more than anything. But I can't live at home forever. My home life and my dad aren't the center of my universe the way they once were, and I think that has been hard for both of us to ­realize.
I'm lucky; having seen my brother's strained relationship, I had 16 beautiful years of childhood, and I did my best to make the most of them. It feels like it's ending now, but I think it's time. Too often, kids push away too hard. They separate from their parents at 13 or 14. Sure, every kid wants to grow up. Realizing that you're leaving something behind, though, can be painful, even more if you only realize after it's too late.
And parents face the opposite problem: they pull. They have 13-year-old infants who must follow every rule, be home at this minute or else, comb their hair a certain way, eat this, think that. Parents need to see the problems kids face, the struggle between two different worlds where one will win every time. Kids grow up. It would be helpful if they had allies in that process instead of dictators.
If I could, I would go back and do some things differently. I would hold on to my family more, but I don't think the outcome would be any different. Looking back, I realize how lucky I was that even though I made mistakes, I was able to enjoy life at home. I'm just ready to move on.



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This article has 9 comments.


on May. 9 2013 at 3:51 pm
TargonTheDragon GOLD, Ofallon, Missouri
15 articles 16 photos 292 comments

Favorite Quote:
First dentistry was painless.
Then bicycles were chainless,
Carriages were horseless,
And many laws enforceless.

Next cookery was fireless,
Telegraphy was wireless,
Cigars were nicotineless,
And coffee caffeineless.

Soon oranges were seedless,
The putting green was weedless,
The college boy was hatless,
The proper diet fatless.

New motor roads are dustless,
The latest steel is rustless,
Our tennis courts are sodless,
Our new religion — godless.

wow! i totally loved this! i agree totally also! just because i am breaking away from my family doesnt mean i dont need them, its just i want to make and be my own family. it only natural for the bird to leave the nest:P

on May. 7 2013 at 12:51 pm
Jade.I.Am ELITE, Fishers, Indiana
214 articles 14 photos 1163 comments

Favorite Quote:
“If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose”
― Charles Bukowski

This is beautiful! And very well written. Obviously, as a teen, I can relate to this a lot..

on May. 6 2013 at 5:48 pm
PotterWhoLocked GOLD, Montclair, Virginia
13 articles 0 photos 28 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Wednesdays are limbo days. Monday is the beginning of the week, Tuesday is getting used to it, Thursday is looking forward to Friday and Friday is getting ready for the weekend. Wednesdays aren’t really anything in particular. They’re just there.”

wow, this is a really well written article. I'm glad to say I've been blessed with parents who won't let me grow up too fast, and though I push them away now, I know they'll always be there for me. As Shagun said, very mature writing.

on May. 5 2013 at 1:06 pm
Brittany-NamedTheFluffMastahNumber2 GOLD, Milford, Connecticut
15 articles 0 photos 69 comments

Favorite Quote:
The person that you'd take a bullet for is behind the trigger.
(song)
Miss Missing You - Fall Out Boy (:

amazing, amazing amazing.   5/5 stars

on May. 4 2013 at 10:46 am
BurrThistle GOLD, Jaipur, Other
10 articles 0 photos 162 comments

Favorite Quote:
Write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect

I was literally holding my breath while reading this. Your writing is so mature. I have what you might call a 'Tiger Mother' I'm going to write an article about that household soon but meanwhile would you read my The Epiphany and The Lost Battle?. Also, I'm going to hug mom tonight. Thank you. Your word pierce through every layer and hit right at the heart of things. Wonderful job. 

on May. 4 2013 at 10:27 am
iimoeloveii GOLD, Augusta, Georgia
14 articles 0 photos 38 comments

Favorite Quote:
IF YOU CAN'T HANG THEN THERE'S THE DOOR-SLEEPING WITH SIRENS

This is very original and talented.nice job keep it up    

on May. 2 2013 at 5:49 pm
wannabebrit SILVER, Debary, Florida
6 articles 0 photos 12 comments

Favorite Quote:
“Why are some things easier to write than say?”
― Ally Condie, Matched

"There have been two great accidents in my life, one was the trolley and the other was Diego. Diego was by far the worst." ~Frida Kahlo

Your idea on maturity in a teen that separates them from being a kid and needing their parents is spot on and really creatively reflective! Great job!

on Apr. 30 2013 at 10:01 pm
readaholic PLATINUM, Tomahawk, Wisconsin
27 articles 0 photos 426 comments

Favorite Quote:
I'd rather fail because I fell on my own face than fall because someone tripped me up
~Jhonen Vasquez

This is really incredible,  Every parent and teen needs to read this, you describe the dual-worlds dilemna perfectly.  Really, that's exactly how it is!  Thank you for capturing and compacting what has been such a huge issue for teenagers and their families everywhere! Sorry if that sounds meolodramatic.  But it is really good.

on Apr. 30 2013 at 6:42 pm
LiraDaeris PLATINUM, Tucson, Arizona
22 articles 0 photos 135 comments

Favorite Quote:
“You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go...”
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

I applaud thee. This definitely deserves the editor's choice check. The only real critique is that "friend's" houses needs to be "friends' houses" because I assume you have more than one friend or that your one friend only has one house. This is so true. Ironically, the first radio contest I won was on my first time listening, and it was to answer the question of "What is 3x harder for thirteen year olds to do than nine year olds?" and the answer was talking to their parents. Because we're growing up still, we don't completely think through the value of what we're taking for granted, our parents, and so it's only natural they get desperate. I used to give my mother massages because she was rear-ended by a car that screwed up her back. That ended a few years ago. Now, my massages are popular in my choir. I'm also one of the few in my class to still say "I love you" to my parents in phone conversations in public. My sister was odd in how she values family over everything else, and people think she is weird for it. She's incredibly clingy, and it gets annoying. But I think one of the reasons our teens are so extreme in how they don't want to be with their parents is due to our individualistic culture. Cultures like Chinese or Mexican culture are more family-oriented, but how many families do you see helping their grandparents through retirement? I think we would have a lot less social security problems if we did like the Japanese and Chinese and had the family all together under one roof. This society doesn't stress the importance of taking care of your family nearly as much as other ones, whether you're their descendants or they're descended from you. And I agree, middle school is a terrible time to start shunning your parents. A little independence is good, but you are not an adult when you're eleven, or even thirteen. I always say that "Middle school is that awkward time of life when you think you're grown up but you're not, and you wanna grow up but you shouldn't." Just look at the children's section at Kohl's- it's all teens stuff only sparkly. You're very wise in that you are realizing the importance of family at only 16. Value them, and slowly work back to getting to those traditions or making some new ones. Mom and I now watch Big Bang Theory religiously as our mother-daughter time, then Dad and I go out to dinner and email each other since it's more secret and he's on business trips a lot. Having regrets doesn't mean it's over- it means, for you, that you still have a chance to change :)