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I sat in the passenger seat of my car, the heat slowly but surely warming my frigid hands. My head filled with question after question, and I did not have an answer to a single one of them. How did I get here? When did I decide it was okay to let myself go like this? How can I change it? I mulled over my life and all of these questions, evaluating each and every decision I had ever made that led up to me sitting in my car, belligerently slurring my complaints to an old middle school classmate. I felt as if I had let everyone down, and I told him so. He half heartedly disagreed and continued to glance frantically out the window, looking for a girl who wasn’t planning on coming out to the car in the first place. I went on to stumble over apologies and to make promises of changing, as I did every time that I got this way. But as the words poured from my mouth, I realized I had meant every single one of them. I did not want to be this way anymore. I wanted to have full control of what I did and said, I did not want to have to trust people to keep me from making poor decisions such as driving or making call after call to someone who had no importance to me. I told my ex-classmate all these things, and he continued to tell me to relax and try to quiet me down. Everything I was saying to him was going in one ear and out the other, but I did not care. I knew it was true. It had to be. I was feeling genuine remorse for what I had been doing lately, so much remorse that I never wanted to feel that way again. It did not matter who believed me and it still doesn’t. It is something that I know I can do and I am going to prove it to myself, for myself. I realized that night that you have to make your own choices and correct the bad ones. No one can do that in your life except for yourself; and I am still working on correcting my poor choices today.

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