Throughout my life, I've always recognised my family dynamic may not ever fit the standard family picture. My parents are split so I was raised by my grandparents, aunt, uncle and two older cousins. For a while I never understood my situation, why couldn't I just live with either my mom or dad? Sometimes it frustrated me when I had to explain my home life because I really didn't know how to without feeling embarrassed.

KNOCK KNOCK, I watched the front door unlock as my eyes aimed closer and closer to the figure,

“Oh hell no,” 

that was the first thing that rushed through my mind when I looked her in the eyes,

“Mom? What are you doing here?” 

“Start packing your stuff, you're coming to live with me.”

 I became tense, edging further away from her,

“What? Why? I don't want to.”

There's no way I'm moving in with her, if I did, she would annoy and control what I did.

“Just come with me, you'll have your own room! I won't bother you.” 

she urged, that all sounds great but I knew it wouldn’t be sunshines and rainbows. Living with my grandparents and aunt's family is already a lot, living with my mom? That sounds impossible.

“Why didn’t you ask me about moving? You never called me.” 

“We need to get going, just pack your stuff.” 

She sounded more irritated this time.

“Okay, so you just ignored my question, I’m not going with you, ” 

Whenever I see her, my mood just shifts, I don’t like admitting it but I would rather not see her if I didn't have to. 

“Just listen to me.”

“No, I don’t have to go with you, and you came into my home and now you're forcing me out.” 

If she chose to not raise me or my brother, it should just stay that way.

“Why don’t you ever listen to me? I’m your mom.”

I glared at her. Why should I listen to her? She never listens to me.

“Do you not know what NO means? Just get out.”

 raising my voice this time, My grandma looked over,

“What’s going on?” 

My mom and I locked eyes with her

“Did you hear how your granddaughter was talking to me? She told me to get out.” 

“Well, clearly you can't take no for an answer.” 

my voice cracked a little as I walked into a different room, slamming the door.

I don't hate my mom but she just annoys me and doesn't know how to communicate. She'd always force me to take classes that I mostly had no interest in. She hated how my Chinese wasn’t up to her expectations, comparing me to prodigies, white men on the TV who were fluent. I was put in multiple Chinese classes along with piano, religion, karate, visual arts, and swimming lessons. Give me a break, I just wished she put more effort into getting to know me rather than throwing me into something I didn't care about. I remember vividly, over multiple times when I was in daycare, after dismissal, when every kid got picked up, neither of my parents came for me, it’s like they just forgot that they had a kid together and that responsibilities exist. The younger me never thought about why they didn’t show, instead I took out a piece of printer paper, sat with my teacher and  drew. I still remember what it was, a stickman holding a big, red, heart shaped balloon with a smiley face on it. I think that was when I realized my passion for art, only after extended time, an administrator would finally drive me home. 

       Visiting my best friend's house showed me how important a healthy family dynamic could be, she never felt shy to be direct and honest with them, and genuinely had a great bond with everyone at home, maybe that’s why I liked going over so much,  I came over so much that we made an inside joke that her house was my second home. Some people say that their mothers are their best friends, the mom is said to provide care, affection, emotional support, and be nurturing. When I see that kind of a relationship, I admit, I envy it so much. (without the resentment) I know behind closed doors it may not be all fun, families might fight, argue, separate, but from what I can see, some people might just have it better than others. But I don't think It's not all that bad though, I’ve come to accept that I don’t need to be with my parents or have the best relationship with them to be happy, there are people who have it worse than I do. When I was a lot younger, I told myself when I hit my late 20s-30s to never get married, have kids or care for it, but I think I changed my mind, when the time comes, if I ever decide to have kids, I hope that we could get along.