In life there are external forces that will try to make us think that we are not good enough, skinny enough, quiet enough, or even loud enough. Preventing these voices from getting to us is very important. Personally, I do not let these outside forces tear me down or effect my life negatively, anymore. There was a time when I cared so much about what other people thought of me that I let it dictate my own decisions. I let other people’s opinions of me change my behavior into acting less like me. However, I have decided that I am a lot, and I am going to let my personality take up the space I deserve. I have realized that I finally stopped noticing the mood shifts and looks of others when I  walked into a room, once I finally quit looking for them.

I was so used to basing my actions and mood off others when I entered a room, until I finally realized how mentally unhealthy that habit had become. I would walk into a classroom and see a group of girls look me up and down, whisper and then laugh. I would sit through the entire class period conscious of every move I made; I tried not to make a sound or draw any extra attention to myself, even while trying to participate. I acted timid and tried to remain small to almost shrink my presence when I walked into school. I was prioritizing other people’s validation over the value of my own. I constantly shrunk my presence to fit their expectations; this cycle of seeking validation trapped me in a constant state of overthinking that was mentally draining and left me feeling belittled.     

I eventually reached the point where I saw trying to be quiet and small enough was actually suffocating my real personality. Continuing to act like someone I was not, just to get a couple of people to like me, was mentally exhausting and truthfully not worth it. I would rather have people dislike me for me, and not for the character I was playing. My shift in mindset did not happen overnight; it was a long process of unlearning the habit of looking for validation. By choosing to prioritize my own joy over the potential discomfort of others, I finally allowed myself to take up the space I had been denying myself from for so long. My shift in living on my own terms proved that my own self approval was far more valuable than others’ opinions.                     

Once I chose my own happiness over the potential thoughts of others, I stopped looking for an excuse not to be myself. I worked hard to let my own personality shine through and take up the space it deserved; I refused to look for any excuse to let others tear me back down again. I am not by any means perfect and I still get self-conscious, but my self-confidence is significantly higher than it was when I started high school. I wear what I am comfortable in, I talk to my friends, and I love not caring what others think. Choosing to stop monitoring the room has given me the freedom to be myself and stop looking for the approval of strangers.

Reclaiming my identity has been a journey, from distancing myself from others' expectations into the light of my own self-acceptance and joy. I have learned that the world does not become smaller when I choose to be loud or to be “a lot”; in fact, the world expands. Truly, I am a lot, and I do plan to take up the space I deserve; a right every woman should feel empowered to claim. I no longer walk into a room wondering if I am being judged or “too much” for the situation. By choosing to take up the space I deserved, I have stopped giving away the power of my presence. By breaking free from other people’s expectations, I have found the freedom that no eye roll, whisper, or dirty look can take away.