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It’s difficult to explain the relationship with my head. He seems to cause me to feel things without reason. The numerous “How are you’s” are only met with,“It’s complicated.” Followed by “Are you okay,” “No, but I will be,” and end with an inauthentic smile.
He does that sometimes. They say it’s sixty percent genetics and the rest is choice. To be honest, at that time I typically chose to do nothing about it. To let myself feel. Isn’t that what I’m always telling other people? “It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be unhappy with yourself, it’s okay to want to die, just as long as you never give into the darkness. Never give in; never give up. This is a temporary situation, even if it doesn’t feel that way right now.”
What does that even mean? Asking him won’t help. (He never really does. He doesn’t like giving answers but he really likes confusing me. It’s not as satisfying as an answer, but at least it gives us something to chat about.)
So I asked those who were closest to me to explain the philosophy in better detail than he ever could; describing how I felt, what I did.
“Well, I mean, that sucks… Listen to what Alex told me about Josh yesterday.”
My relationship with food is complicated. To put it simply, there wasn’t one. Food wasn’t there. That is, it wasn’t in my body where it needed to be. It was given to my friends or the trash, those were really the only two options since I didn’t want my family to find out. He told me since I was only loved for my “attractiveness” and yet, was still being cheated on that I obviously wasn’t pretty enough. He turned off my appetite. He told me to ignore all the warning signs from my body and just feel. No, not physically, that doesn’t matter… right? No, just feel emotions, ignore the churning in your stomach, ignore the ache and raw emptiness. Food is for the people whose bodies can afford it. You however, you’re a different story.
No, your wrong.
Stop it; that’s insane.
Prove him wrong.
You can do it.
I believe in you.
But what if he’s right?
But he’s not, he’s insane, don’t listen to him.
“Hi, I’d like one medium pineapple mango smoothie please.”
My relationship with my friends is complicated. To put it simply, there wasn’t one. They weren’t there. That is, they weren’t my friends anymore. The other He told me there’s no point in searching for help through those who didn’t care to help. The other He told me to surround myself with people who give a damn. They weren’t bad people, they just don’t understand, nor do they want to give the effort it takes to fully grasp it. That is their choice, not mine. They wanted high school drama and I wanted sanity. It was the other He vs him. He wanted nothing but suffering. Other He wanted nothing but love.
I chose the latter.
Other He told me he’ll show me that love; to have patience. Other He told me to wait and pray, cry and pray, wait and pray.
“One who loves a pure heart and who speaks with grace will have the king for a friend.”
“Who would win, 13 gay tennis balls or a man whose bones have been replaced with milk?”
“Gay tennis balls, by a landslide. Why who’s asking?”
“Gay tennis balls can’t cause a landslide you blinkbink, your thinking of mountains.”
“…Mickey your ridiculous.”
Everything will be okay.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.”
“Grace, the more I talk to you the more I find out how much stuff we have in common. And that we are into the same shows and stuff lol I find that awesome.”
“I know right!! It’s kinda weird because I usually find my opposites but anyway…”
Everything will be okay.
“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”
“Oh my gosh, is that Red Velvet?”
“Bro I loved their new comeback omg it was so good!!! Do you listen to any other kpop groups?”
“Uhm, yeah. What about you?”
Everything is wonderful.
My relationship with my head is complicated. It’s a very familiar one. One I am currently trying to balance. One that is constantly eating my time with acoustic tunes to calm the jittery cling clanging in my skull. One that is in constant modification to achieve homeostasis. One that I love having. Because through the tazing, wonderment that he brought with darkness provokes empathy. But it was the Other He that brought with him the most tranquil, loving-kindness that initiated that empathy in the first place. Compassionate hugs and legitimate apprehension. That’s what this generation needs. Give your time to them. Give them your attention. They need it. Your involvement matters. You matter; they matter. Now do everything in your power to prove it to them.