It was January 30, 2009, I was halfway through my 3rd grade year. I casually skipped into school every morning, wishing I could just go back home, but not showing it. Nobody there really liked me and I didn’t have many friends to hang out with. My teacher knew I was having a hard time and she helped me through a lot. Everyday after lunch we would have silent reading time. During that time I always felt sick and I couldn’t sit still or focus, I sat there and thought every twisted thought possible would go through my head.

“Can I go to the bathroom?” I would ask almost everyday. I just needed to get out of class. Being around a lot of people made me even more anxious and uncomfortable.

At the time, my Aunt was having lung problems and she was waiting for a lung transplant but she wasn’t getting any better. She was always in bed and she had her oxygen on high all the time. I was always worrying about her, I knew her time was coming but I wanted her to get better rather than be gone forever. She was my best friend, I loved hanging out with her. I was so scared to lose her. Everyday at school, during that reading time, I would always think about not having her there and it would make my stomach churn.

   Nobody knew what I was feeling.

Nobody knew what I was thinking.

I didn’t want to tell anyone about it because I didn’t think anyone would care. I had never known anyone with anxiety but I was starting to think I had it bad. I didn’t know how to control it, it was controlling me. It was frightening, I didn’t know what to do when it was taking over. I just sat there and thought and felt sick and it just got worse, I didn’t know how to make it better. All I felt like doing was going to my room by myself to sit there and cry.

That day, January 30, 2009, I had told my teacher that I didn’t feel good so she sent me to the office to call my mom. When my mom got there to pick me up I could tell immediately that something was wrong. Her eyes were red and puffy like she had been crying.

I walked up to her and as soon as I got to her she grabbed me and gave me the biggest hug she could. She started crying and so did I, I hate seeing my mom upset, I had no idea what she was crying about.

“Aunt Renee’ passed away,” she mumbled. I didn’t know what to think. All morning I had a feeling that today was the day. Something was telling me that she was gone, I just didn’t wanna listen.

Knowing that she was now at peace made my anxiety go away for that moment.

No I didn’t want her to go but I did want her to be better and that’s just what happened. I didn’t have to worry about her being sick and suffering anymore. She was happy and wasn’t hooked up to any machines anymore. That day I learned something, anxiety doesn’t have to take over your life, everything will happen the way it’s supposed to so there’s no reason to worry.

After that day, I wasn’t feeling as bad everyday as I was before. I didn’t have anything to worry about, she was safe and happy. I slowly learned how to control my anxiety. I started telling my mom and teacher about my thoughts, I would talk to myself when I got myself worked up. I would tell myself that everything was going to be ok and that everything happens for a reason so there is no reason to worry.

I was in 3rd grade and I taught myself how to overcome anxiety. That was one of my better days that year. I was finally able to be a kid and not have to worry about anything.  Every time my anxiety got the best of me I would do something different or move to a different place in the classroom or leave the room to change my environment. That was my way of erasing my mind and being able to go back to doing what kids do.

Anxiety doesn’t have to take over my life but it will always be a part of it.