I am not completely consumed with zombies (pun intended), but I have been a follower of the Walking Dead, and now Fear the Walking Dead, and even ZNation from SyFy. Not to mention the several movies built on the same premise. Based on what I have learned there are several observations one can make about zombies.

First off, there are two kind of zombies, the shambling type, and the pretty damn quick kind. Sometimes they start out shambling, and then when they smell or hear meat they become like greased pigs. So if zombies match the human demographic they would have at least half of the zombies being post-life women. You know, its hard enough for women to walk in high heels when they are at their best (breathing), yet somehow all the women zombies seem to be clad in comfortable shoes - no one complains about being a slave to fashion in their manolo blahniks. It's like they received an invitation to the event with 'dress casual' blazoned on it. Zombies never wear Saks, or even Lane Bryant, they are clad in stuff you would find in Goodwill, unless they are dressed in cheerleader outfits or some other funny theme, as if there's a central casting that periodically forces the undead to dress like buffoons. Speaking of which, where are their no zombies in clown outfits - they would freak me out, but based on children parties there are a LOT of clowns out there. Do the dead fear clowns too? So where are the clowns hiding? We should find them, they would be entertaining and probably have candy.

That reminds me, I know of at least tens of acquaintances who shamble around their home in their underwear, so how come no zombies ever appear in their tidy whities, or even naked. I have been known to brave the downstairs with its open windows pointed strategically to the neighbors, just to retrieve a cup of coffee! Surely zombies would have been attracted to such a delicious display of open flesh. Did I somehow offend? Are zombies prudes? Do the infected have sufficient sentient time to raid their closets for their fashion mistakes and don them?

How about swimsuits? Was nobody swimming? If they were swimming did they see the zombies, climb the ladder and rush to the locker rooms to find their sensible shoes and dowdy dress? If not, then stay away from business class and expensive hotels whose swimming pools must be teeming with well-exercised dead.

And what about daycare? Loads of kids stuff the daycares of this country, and those not in daycare are in schools or being driven by helicopter moms from one sports event or dance class to another. There are VERY few children during the zombie apocalypse. None in soccer uniforms, none in dance recital dresses, or little league? Where are the scouts with their tasty cookies? Do zombies feel compassion for the young? Do they find them unappetizing (not that some of us would disagree)? Maybe children don't generally turn into zombies, just lunch. I am not suggesting any dangerous trips, but I would recommend that maybe a school or daycare would be a great place to wait out the zombies. After all, they all have industrial kitchens, and food that you would only eat if you were starving. Some of them have bomb shelters with cases of beans and MREs stored up in case Russia got frisky. Hell, they even have WiFi in all the rooms! Unfortunately they may also have children in the rooms too, asking "why" or "is my Mom coming"?

Zombies also die more easily than expected. They can be dispatched by a simple blow to the head, a knife to the head, a screwdriver, and of course an automatic weapon. Speaking of which how come there aren't tons of automatic weapons just stashed everywhere. I live in New Hampshire, and you can buy a gun here with a library card! No one has one gun, they have a 'locked' safe full of firepower that would have turned the tide of the the revolution or the civil war. If every zombie drops a weapon when they 'turn' the roads and hills should be littered with more firepower that many African nations could muster. No, according to the TV zombie shows guns seem to be in short supply. So I guess we have to assume that gun-totin free-staters and rednecks have somehow managed to avoid the shambling hoards and are back in the hills drinking moonshine and watching reruns of "The Dukes of Hazard".
But back to that head issue. The head of a living person can be easily banged up with the only side effects some level of concussion that would prevent you from pronouncing chrysanthemum or feeding yourself. However its is a b**** to crack the skull, that's why pathologists have to use a nasty saw and drill. Somehow tough zombies wind up with heads as fragile as eggs from a sick chicken. For the only organ that seems to be at all functioning in a zombie, that would qualify as a BIG design flaw. Someone should let Zombie Central know about this. Maybe they could get a Quality Team together to shamble around and push chalk against boards producing incoherent scribbles. It's a start.

The other observation I have made is that zombies are NOT conservationists. Besides eating animals, regardless of their federal protection status, they eat live people. So why are there so few zombies who are only heads or small portions of torso? It seems like zombies are operating like a finicky customer in a Golden Corral buffet. Taking a bite of this, a bite of that, and never just a healthy helping of victim. This is certainly counter-productive to evolution, which we know rules nature. Why should zombies just keep taking small portions of victims and leaving the rest to rise again. Think about it, that is a growth curve that is bound to eventually result in no more victims. What will they do then? Certainly not starve, because they already moan like refugees at a Unicef food center, so they are clearly VERY hungry. They also fail to feast on each other even though that is the most economical food source available to them. Once dead, even if you're fresh as a daisy, they just welcome you into the club and point out the next available living food source - like a Welcome Wagon. So they are starving, but even they won't resort to eating road kill (i.e. us). Eventually the dead will all look fabulous like Jenny Craig models, and able to fit into dresses and suits they haven't worn since high school, if they weren't already dressed like homeless with a poor fashion sense.

Now I am not always the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I know that the solution to survival is NOT to hole yourself up in a walled enclave and kill all the rest of the living who disagree with you. This is not a simple issue. Evolution may not be expressing itself in the undead, but it's sure alive and well in the living. In spite of this country having more preserved food than any other, a CVS or Walgreens on every corner, and the living being reduced to groups of 25 or less. They insist on killing each other for food, or housing, or just the sport of it. Their most creative idea they have come up with to combat this is to just hang together in small groups and periodically slaughter each other! Where is the creativity in that? The US may have lost much of its industrial base over the last few decades, but there is machinery everywhere. Why not build a portable slaughter machine. Something with spinning blades at most of the average head heights of zombies, and a chute funneling the dead into the brain mower? All you need to do is rig up a tire and rope behind the blades and let someone swing in pleasure while attracting all of the incautious dead in the area? You could build a lot of these (maybe just adapt a combine harvester) and drive your way through Atlanta once or twice and grant 'mercy' to all the dead. I do want to be conversation minded, so I recommend that bodies of the dead who were mowed down could be pulled into a dumpster compressor by some conveyor and made into cubes of deceased, suitable for composting, burning for heat on those cold winter nights, or even sprayed with acrylic and made into creative and thought provoking sculptures.

So bottom line, even if I were to believe that a body with no working circulatory system or nervous system (except for brain) could come back from the dead with a hankering for tasty living flesh, there are SO MANY opportunities to make the zombie apocalypse not only manageable, but fun!

I'm just saying......