Maybe I have issues, but I don’t want to get married. I don’t want to spend my whole life with my high-school sweetheart, and I don’t want to have kids. Ever. I would never be satisfied with being tied down like that. I used to want that white picket fence/married to my high-school sweetheart/2.5 children/soccer-mom kind of life. Almost every little girl dreams of that. But lately I’ve realized that that life could never make me happy.

I don’t have a fear of commitment, I’m just being honest with myself. So when my boyfriend asked me out, I knew that our relationship was not going to last forever. I loved him already. Still, I knew that he was going to college the following year, and I’m not the kind of girl to have a long-distance relationship at the age of 16. Plus, I figured we would eventually get tired of each other, anyway. We would go out for a while, have fun, and then he would go off to college and that would be the end of it. We would still be good friends, but nothing more. I was not going to spend my whole life or even my youth with one person from the tiny town I grew up in. I want to experience life.

It’s been almost six months now, and we’re still together. I still love him so much, and he loves me, too. And it scares me. It scares me because deep in my heart, I know that if we end up staying together and getting married, I will never be satisfied. But we are perfect for each other, and have everything in common. I’ve never been so happy in my life, and I don’t want to lose that.

We talk about our relationship a lot. He doesn’t want to break up when he goes to college. He won’t admit it, but I’m worried that he chose a nearby college so he could be close, and I wouldn’t break up with him. I don’t want him to think that we are going to be together forever, but at the same time, I can’t bear the thought of losing him. It makes my heart twist. I’m so torn. He makes me question everything I believed about myself. It’s another definition of love to add to my vast collection.